Alex and Brian's Blog

Baking, baking, and more baking

2010-02-13T11:46:00.020-06:00

OK, I've wanted to learn how to decorate cakes for some time. For years, actually. And this last year, my mother-in-law gave me (among many other things) several baking items. So here is some photo documentation of what I've done so far:

The most recent thing is the Green Lantern Ring cake that I made for dear husband today, for Valentine's Day. He loooooved it. No one has ever made him a superhero cake, much less a GREEN LANTERN cake!!!! It even has a center glowy part, see?

Here are some of the steps, in reverse:

Carving and frosting the ring part (on a slant, so it'll lean upward once placed on the cake):

Slicing the ridges off the giant cupcake very carefully and with as little waste as possible:

The base, also green, because it's a GL cake after all, but a lighter shade so the ring will stand out more:

The original parts. If the two cake shapes in the back look suspiciously like the bottom and the very tip of the giant cupcake pan, there's good reason for that:

I also made some Valentine's Day cupcakes for work:

And a giant cupcake and regular-sized cupcakes for my sister's birthday:

And this last one is Brian's work, not mine, but I'm going to post it anyway because it was truly wonderful and he deserves credit for it. He made salmon-en-papillote, which is simple but a little time-consuming to make, has wonderful presentation (you open the pouch at the table, right before you serve), and is absolutely delicious. Not only that, but since it was for the whole family, he doubled the recipe (and we still had 2 rotisserie chickens that were consumed almost completely as well; but what are you going to do with several adults and multiple teenagers?):

"Top notch!"

2010-01-10T08:56:00.015-06:00

As we left Elliot & Cindy's last night, I said "Top notch!" We had a lovely evening. For one thing, it was completely relaxed. Cindy is a most gracious hostess and the conversation was really quite pleasant - there were several times when all of us just burst out laughing at whatever had been said. Real laughter, that lingered and stayed a chuckle for even a few more seconds, not just polite affectations. After a tour of the lovely home - she favors antiques and staying true to the original architecture - we had dinner and then two rounds of Scrabble on the game set that Brian just got me. Good, good time.

This year has gotten off to a good start, actually. New Year's Day, Bri made sushi. No kidding. He and I love it and he loves to cook, so I got him a how-to-make-sushi kit for his birthday. Turns out, you also need a rice steamer, so I got him one of those for Christmas. So New Year's Day saw us here, with good friends in the dining room while he stood on the kitchen side of the counter and gave us a show. I made some run-of-the-mill cupcakes but they looked really cute on the cupcake tree that I just got. Pictures are worth a thousand words:

May we all live long and prosper.

Nanu-nanu.

Oh, wait, that's a different alien.

:-)

And one that stands out

2009-12-27T13:32:00.002-06:00

OK, there is one gift that really stands out. It doesn't diminish in any way the other gifts that I got but I really think it deserves special mention: Brian took pictures of our names at places that are significant to us presently or have been in the past, and spelled out our names. He also did one for our last name.

It blows my mind that he did that - he had to go out more than once because he decided the signs that lit up at night didn't look good enough during the day, so he went back again once it was dark out to get the letters when they were lit up.

Does that not blow your mind? It blew my mind completely. What an awesome gesture of love. I'm pretty sure that I don't deserve it.

One of the best Christmases...

2009-12-27T12:05:00.017-06:00

... I've ever had. The mood was joyous, everyone was happy to be together, all went as planned. You know how sometimes family can get together and people get on each others' nerves and stuff? Well, this was pretty much the opposite of that. If anyone did get on anyone else's nerves, it didn't show. It was very pleasant. The one thing was a really bad headache I got on Christmas Eve over at Brian's grandma's, but other than that, it was great.

We also gave and received many, many gifts. Granted, we have 3 families involved but we really, really got a lot. I put everything on our dining room table. In case anyone's still reading this blog, or for when I/we come back to this entry in the future, I want the record to be clear - I didn't do it to show off. People were asking, of course, what we had gotten for Christmas and I couldn't remember everything. That really bothered me because we had gotten so much that was so cool that I wanted to be able to give credit where credit was due, as it were, but that was precisely the problem - we had gotten so much and it was one celebration after another, so I kept leaving things out. Hence this documentation.

Including what we gave each other, we got:

A (large) donation in my name to Heifer International, specifically to a knitting project (2 sheep, 2 llamas that they can then use to sell yarn with, make products to sell, etc.)
2 knitting books
1 mag subscription (Martha Stewart Living)
Cupcake series: Book, stand, giant cupcake mold, supplies
Box of greeting cards
Word game Origins
Movie series: Silent Screen comedy
Clothes - several pants, several shirts, a tie and a really attractive tie clip
All red kitchen implements (spatulas, etc.)
Red stick blender
A brownie pan designed so that they all have edges
Gift certificates/cards to Aya Sofia, Sekisui, BreadCo, Amazon, DressBarn, Whole Foods, one of my favorite knitting shops, Knitorius, Barnes & Noble, FYE
Day of the Dead t-shirts w/themes
Flat screen TV (from the dogs to Brian; he has to pick it out because the dogs and I don't know from flat screen TVs)
A rice cooker to supplement the birthday present I gave Brian, a how-to-make-Sushi kit
AAA cards for each of us
An absolutely fabulous scarf pin from Brian to me
A toaster oven
2 very nice sheets sets - 100% cotton, 700 ct
A scrapbooking organizer
Salad dressing that someone had mentioned to me a couple of months ago that we might like, and brought it for us
An old-school Canon camera
Family pictures
Tree ornaments
Silver earrings
A funny thumb drive
Hot chocolate supplies, a knit hat, and a can of pringles ( :-) ) that we got at the rob-your-neighbor game at Grandma's
Miniature nativity scene for my collection
A copy of the family cookbook we made for my mother-in-law
A diary for each of us
A book for Brian, The Prisoner
A special print from the US Dept. of Treasure on our birth year and its significance in the Chinese Zodiac calendar

Wheew! If that isn't something to be grateful for, I don't know what is. If I haven't mentioned anything, it's not to offend, there was just so much on the table that I might not have seen it on the picture while I was blogging and listing everything out. Here are some detail shots.

While the stuff is great, it's what's behind it that's important. Each family member received and gave us something. That means, among other things: We have relationships with every single one of our sisters, moms-in-law, etc. They took the time to pick something out, get it, wrap it, etc. We are blessed that we don't have any estrangements in the family (you know, like siblings that don't speak to each other for 20 years or whatever). Everyone in our families was physically healthy enough to go procure something for us. Everyone is sufficiently stable financially to do that for us, and we are financially stable enough to reciprocate. In this economy (if in any economy), that is something to be tremendously grateful for. Although the Christmas holiday is about 28 hours of family fun (with a couple of small gaps for rest/sleep), we are close enough geographically that, in the space of 28 hours, we can see everyone and even most of our cousins/extended family. Although we have both lost our dads, we are blessed with a Grandma, both of our moms, all of our siblings, and many close relatives and friends. I mean, the individual items are great, but that's what they symbolize.

This year, we got a lot. Other years have been leaner. But ALL of the years, the relationships that the gifts represent have been there, aging like so many fine wines, into the fabric of our lives.

We are having the time of our lives

2009-11-09T08:22:00.007-06:00

So, on Halloween this year, we had a Fire Night. We had my family over for a "bonfire" (really, just a fire in our fire pit on the patio) with dogs, ribs, and smores. The boy my niece is dating had some fun, as you can see here. He should be a roofer or something else high - absolutely no fear of heights.

Because we had company, we didn't have time to buy groceries, so we ended up eating out several days in a row. Way too expensive so we really can't do it again for a while, especially with Christmas coming up, but we had dinner at several Asian restaurants and once I had had four Asian meals somebody said I should go for a flush, and we did. It was Japanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Vietnamese, Vietnamese. Mmmm-mm! Love it. And healthy, too, because we didn't get a lot of tempura and stuff - Nigiri is our favorite Japanese food.

We also had dinner with my husband's family on November 2nd and celebrated Guy Fawkes' day (11/5) with our friends, Rob, Janet, Jeff, and Michelle at the Scottish Arms. We even burned Parliament. Turns out there is a brand of cigarettes called Parliament so Brian picked up a pack. We don't smoke so we had intended to just light a couple but we had some smokers in the group so one of them actually smoked one. Brian and I had haggis for the first time. I'm glad I did it just once but I am so completely going to pass on it the next time... A couple in our group were actually repeat haggis eaters, bless their hearts. Gonna pass on the Scottish Eggs next time, too (hard-boiled egg ensconced in pork sausage, I believe, and fried). But there again - some in our group liked it. More power to them! ;-) Some gentlemen from another table even wanted to buy Brian's mask but he had just gotten it and had wanted one for a long time, so he preferred to hold on to it...

Friday closed out the week with a moviepallooza at home. Very nice to chill after so many outings. Saturday evening saw us at a friend's mom's house, who I hold very dear, because another friend of his has recently become a chef and wanted to demonstrate his culinary skills, then hand out his cards for a catering business he has started. Lovely house, lovely dinner, lovely company. And I told my friend that he absolutely needs to marry the nice lady he's been seeing for the last couple of years. Apparently, I'm only about the 100th person to have told him, but it was the first time I had told him. They are so good together. Plus, got to hang out with a couple of people that I haven't seen in a while and that I'm quite fond of, in a familial kind of way. Also, the new chef dude did an excellent job, particularly in light of the fact that my friend had told him there'd be 12 people and it ended up being 20. Trial by fire, I told him (the new chef). If you can handle that, you can handle anything!

Sunday was the St. Louis Symphony for an homage to John Williams. And we wrapped it up by coming home to watch Star Wars with our good friend Tim, who had gone with us to the concert and whose idea it was in the first place. I'm not much of a fan there - if I think about it, I can remember to call it Star Wars and not Star Trek. If you ever want to see people start twitching and looking like they're going to pass out, let me call these two series by the other's name and watch my hubbie and Tim react. It's kind of funny although I really don't do it on purpose. We whipped up some pasta and had a great time. Brian had to run get pasta because somehow we were out and very sweetly got multiple kinds so that we could pick whatever we wanted.

So that was the week that was!!! Lots and lots of fun with really, really nice people that are dear to us. A nice balance of family and friends, at-home and fancy meals, movies and music. Just awesome.

A great big shout out to my friend, Ricardo

2009-10-20T21:23:00.003-05:00

Who I have now known since I was 15 years old.

¡Que viva México!

Mexico lindo y querido....
si muero lejos de ti
que digan que estoy dormido
y que me traigan a ti

Assignment 5

2009-09-27T18:59:00.006-05:00

TITLE: Red Berry Things, 9/26/09

My husband's relatives have some land out in the De Soto area, about 1 hr, 15 min from St. Louis. It's lovely out there; they're wealthy, so they have all the amenities plus fresh country air, etc. I love going out there, because I get to enjoy the fruits of all their labors, which they are very generous with. Granted, only when I'm invited, but still, it makes for a nice day out. The funny thing is, we had hail on the way there. I was thinking, so much for my nature pictures. But then, the storm passed, and we had a solid 3 hours of nice weather mid-afternoon. Then a little more rain. I think these red berry things were weeds of some kind, because they were everywhere.

TITLE: Reflection on the Lake

Lake edge, Rich & Bernie's. You could read this picture left to right or right to left, depending on what your cultural custom or preference is. I was just talking to my husband about how I can't believe I've taken these pictures. Hopefully, I'll get a good score, but regardless, I feel like my photography skills have improved dramatically in even just a couple of weeks since I started this class. I tried to address light, focus, and composition, all of which were things I had no idea of just a couple of weeks ago. Not to get ahead of myself; I kn ow they're not pro or anything, it's just that I'm finally getting somewhere! :-)

TITLE: Rocks along the Lake, 9/26/09

Rich & Bernie's.

I really struggled with which photo to submit for the third picture. I feel like I'm taking a bit of a risk with this one, but I like how the movement of the water contrasts with the solidity of the rocks, and yet the rocks have been shaped by the water, and even modified (wet vs. dry rock). Also, the texture of the rocks echoes the ripples in the water, and the perspective changes in the center of the picture, where the light has bent and you can see under the water. I also like how the shapes in the water are sharp and the rocks a little softer - it's a contrast with the materials themselves. If I were going to photoshop this, I'd blur the rock's edges even more and see if I liked that...

Good heavens, the last post was months and months ago

2009-02-25T22:41:00.004-06:00

Why no blogging? Well, first off, I was knitting and crocheting like a fiend. Please refer to the pictures showing many, many throws, for almost everyone in my family (the specific number is 10 out of 11 - I'll be making the 11th for next Christmas). What in God's name possessed me to decide that everyone should get a throw (as opposed to much smaller projects, such as scarves or potholders) remains a mystery. But knit and crochet I did. Although not to misrepresent, 3 of the throws in the steps picture had to be taken back temporarily to finish the fringe, last few rows, etc.

So when I thought of blogging, I'd think of these projects but they were X-mas presents so I couldn't blog about them. Didn't feel like blogging without mentioning the gi-normous amount of needlework I was doing, so... no blogging.

Next, Gally's surgery (mentioned in the preceding post) at the end of August '08. All went well, but we were... challenged... by the whole process. He had to be separated from all of us in an enclosure of our own making because he really wasn't supposed to move the leg a lot except in specific ways. The enclosure was of our own making because there was nothing that we could find on the market that was large enough for his needs but then again small enough so that he didn't have too much movement. So 8 weeks of carrying then supporting him every time he went in or out, new rugs on the kitchen floor so he wouldn't slip, monitoring his food very closely so he wouldn't gain weight, putting a TV on the first floor in case we wanted to watch a movie so he wouldn't be by himself (the regular TV is in the TV room on our 2nd floor), and even then only being able to be close to his enclosure because he still had to be separated so he wouldn't get too much movement... You think your dog gives you baleful eyes when you leave for work. Try sitting 10 feet away from him with his life-long pal at your feet, while he stares at everyone glumly through the grate of his enclosure... Just loads of fun.

And yet, when I see him bouncing around in the back yard, objecting stridently to the mere notion of any squirrels passing by that dare think they might come in our yard, or making sure everyone within a 5 block radius knows that someone is coming down our alley, or running around, trying to steal a ball or stick from Nenny, it was all worth while. I mean, who wants to go to England on vacation anyway, to see some dude in a Shakespearian play?

It was either use our vacation time and money for the surgery or make a horribly, horribly difficult decision. So surgery it was. His little soul gets to stay with our family for that much longer.

And you know the best part? At least, the best part for me, who had the dogs pre-Brian and who hadn't encountered a major pet expense with Brian yet? Brian didn't bat an eye. No questions asked, we want to take a vacation but we need the surgery, so not a problem. Pretty nifty for a brand new dog daddy.

On with the chronology - of course, the holidays, lots of family event but more manageable every year.

...Well, I was going to continue with this entry but then my lovely hubbie came home and we had a nice dinner, took care of some home organization stuff that we had talked about earlier today (we check in with each other a couple of times a day), and then watched Lost & Life on Mars. I'm ready for Lost to be over and am mildly intrigued by Life on Mars. Anything's passable as long as one is knitting. Or crocheting, as was the case tonight. So I'll have to continue blogging sometime soon, 'cause I'm gettin' in bed to read...

.

Less than two weeks...

2008-05-20T01:25:00.014-05:00

OK, these last two weeks have been a little crazy. How to explain it all? As they say, pictures are worth a thousand words...

CRN	Subject	Course	Section	Course Title	Campus	Final Grade	Attempted	Earned	GPA Hours	Quality Points
12761	PE	103	591	Aerobic Fitness	Florissant Valley	A	1.000	1.000	1.000	4.00

12571	PE	131	463	Fitness Center II	Forest Park	A	1.000	1.000	1.000	4.00
11388	REL	100	650	Real Estate Sales Procedures	Meramec	A	4.000	4.000	4.000	16.00

OK, it's a bit braggy to paste in my grades. But I'm particularly proud of the phys ed classes because I really am trying to work out more and get healthier. Plus, for the aerobic fitness class, I sucked at sit-ups, so I was really worried about that one... But it's just grist for the mill, baby, fodder for the... whatever. I really improved my time on a one-mile walk in the 8 weeks of that course, so now I just gotta do sit-ups, that's all there is to it. And truth be told, I'm at least somewhat proud of the RE grade. I mean, that little puppy represents a significant time commitment, let me tell you. Probably wouldn't have taken the class, if I had know ahead of time. Besides, I've been wanting to do something RE related for years, especially after I was less than 100% thrilled with the last agent I dealt with. So it's a little bit of attaining a goal in that regard.

That brings us to: My very first vest. It was supposed to be a sweater, but the pattern was wrong. I know enough about knitting to figure out that it was wrong, but not enough to figure out how to fix the mistake. So I improvised.

I almost gave it to my friend Elyssa, as she has a 2 year old, but she said, no, she thought it was special and we should keep it (or so she said :-) ). Brian was nearby when I had that conversation with her, and I found out later he held his breath waiting for her response, because he really likes it for our future child. I just didn't like the idea of holding on to something for 3-4 years, 'cause that's probably how long it's going to take for that little vest to get used...

This next picture carries two meanings. First, that's Gally-boy in the car. We're on the way home from the vet, having just found out he's going to need surgery on a tendon that's making him limp. Fortunately, nothing particularly complicated and well worth the investment for his health, both short-term and long-term.

But next, can you see how crumpled up the rear door is, and a little bit over the rear wheel? The front door is dented, too, but not nearly as much. That's how my car looked after I got hit by a lady that ran a red. She says I ran the red. The police report says either one of us may have run the red. Thankfully, no one was hurt. Really, if it had been front to back rather than a t-bone, it would have been more of a fender-bender. Witnesses, if any, were unavailable, at the time the report was written.

The car insurance totaled it. I bought this car with inheritance money from my dad. It may sound silly, but I've always thought dad bought the car for me, and I cried this weekend for maybe the fifth or sixth time in my entire relationship with Brian at the thought of losing it. I didn't know I was so attached to that little car, but we've just been through a lot, that little car and me - we even took a trip around 14 or 15 states, can't remember exactly. Just me, the car, and my dog.

We're still deciding whether to buy the car back from the insurance company and try to repair it, or just take the total amount and apply it to a new car. The votes from friends and colleagues have come in about evenly split. Noticeably, the 2 most financially solvent people I know - my mom and my friend Ed - say to repair the car. I had put a note on the car three years ago to pay off credit card debt and had made the last payment about 2 and half months ago. Go figure. So that makes it really hard to stomach the idea of a brand new car payment. And who wants to buy a new car right before they have a kid or two, so they can urp and burp all over it?

In any case, these are some that we're looking at:

TOYOTA MATRIX

Or possibly a MAZDA 5...

I can't photo-shop it right, but imagine my little gray car up there, with a few of the dings beaten out, enough so it's drivable. Because we're considering that, too, for sure.

Of course, my sleep stuff is acting up, my usual response to stress. That's why I'm blogging at 2:34 in the a.m. More's been going on - my division was getting down-sized, so my job was on the line, but now it's not. And other things. But I'm going to try to get some rest now.

2008-05-07T02:19:00.008-05:00

My, oh my. Could it be that it's already one week into May? A good portion of Spring gone by?! Where has this year gone, for cryin' out loud?!?

Well, I know for us, it's been craaazy busy. We're still setting up bank accounts together, joining our car insurances, and so forth. Structural integration, as it were.

I'm getting my real estate license. I've loved all things real estate for some time now, and have wanted to learn more about the field in general in preparation for when we sell this house, buy a new one, etc. I knew taking that class was a significant commitment of time and energy; turns out, it was substantially more than I had originally calculated. But I've quite enjoyed the class; it's kind of a hobby-type interest that will probably help us in the long run.

Brian's had to work late a lot lately. I wonder how often it happens that a spouse doesn't really understand that much about what the other does? He understands much more about my work than I do about his, for sure. If he doesn't know something, I can get my meaning across in a few sentences. But for me, on the other hand... Obviously, I can tell from his tone and demeanor whether he's had a good day or bad day, but too much more than that and I get lost pretty quickly. But I think he's more looking to vent or to share something he's proud of, not give a two hour lecture on the inner-workings of his job. So I listen and try to be supportive.

We've been watching with baited breath as the primaries have unfolded, happy with the results so far, wishing things were clearer, and not envying the super-delegates, who are going to have to finish this, with one side or the other unhappy with their choice. Hopefully, in the end, people will support whatever dem takes the nomination.

I haven't got much else to memorialize here. The point of the blog is to help us remember later what's happened but honestly, things have been so busy, we've barely had a chance to hang out with anybody, do anything besides work on the house, work on my class, trying to work out more (just Saturday, I downloaded a bunch of songs to work out to onto my mp3 player that Brian gave me, filling it up with my favorite songs from the 80s that he had ripped onto his computer from his CD collection) (it's funny to me to think of how we were growing up, listening to the same songs at the same time, not knowing that years later, we'd meet, get married, and how our favorite songs would match up), working on our respective projects (I long ago conceded the lawn to nature and the dogs; Brian has taken up that mantle and is doing a good job of it. I continue to knit knit knit, as the exemplars here show, and thanks to the dogs for modeling some of the projects I've made for myself), work at our respective jobs, enjoying each other's company, as always.

Ooo. I will spend a second on that - how we enjoy each other's company. I do so love pal-ing around with Brian. We just like to hang out with each other, you know? I'm sure I've blogged about it before. We complement each other nicely, I think.

Last thing - we've discussed with both families that we're not going to go to both families for every holiday. Seriously, every single holiday was becoming a marathon, bouncing from one family event to the other. It had gotten that we weren't enjoying them anymore. The first one we missed was Easter on his side; that was de facto because he needed to pack for Canada, not the result of a strategy on inter- and intra-familial dynamics. But it went over OK. And, since the next big thing is Mother's Day, we announced we won't be hanging out with my family for that. The announcement was not met with gut-wrenching dismay or anything, although I think my mom did sniffle once or twice while we were talking. Just kidding, actually both moms have been very supportive, I just know she would have enjoyed having us over... And it's not like we're going to ignore them, we get together almost every week, so we'll celebrate the moms in my family then, we're just not going to kill ourselves this weekend to make sure we're at all the special gatherings known to mankind. Depending on how things get planned out, we may actually be able to stop in on our way there or back...

So we'll see how the new dynamics work out. I don't like that we have to miss one or the other, and we probably will try to make it to both for the big holidays. Also, once we have a kid or kids, it'll all have to change again, most likely, but at least we're finding a way to balance things in this phase. We'll just have to cross that bridge when we get there. And we'll just say ooooooommmmmmm and breathe until then, as much as we can.

Oh, Canada! (Part II)

2008-04-07T20:45:00.006-05:00

What is worse than not loving baseball in Saint Louis? Not being a hockey fan in Montreal...

I can't tell you how many times I was asked "Do you like hockey?" while I was up in the Great White North. By the people I worked with...waiters...cab drivers...strangers on the street... okay, maybe not strangers...
Hockey is okay - it's not really my thing...but the Canadians, (or the Habs as they are referred to by locals - short for Les Habitants - referring to the original French settlers of Quebec) are the life blood of not only Montreal, but the whole Province of Quebec. (No other sports teams in the whole province...and the province is roughly twice the size of Texas). I was on the 24th floor of my hotel and the Bell Center, where they play, is about 3 blocks from the hotel. I could hear the fans pour out of the place on the Thursday after a Montreal win for about 30 minutes hooping and hollering.

They do love their hockey.

Outside of hockey, (And I didn't go to a game - no way I could have gotten tickets) I did end up doing a few tourist-y things out and about in Montreal while I was there. One thing I wanted to make sure I did was go and tour Olympic Stadium - where the Montreal Expos used to play. They've moved on to greener pastures now (Washington DC), but the stadium still stands, home to conventions and motocross and monster truck extravaganzas now ("featuring Big Daddy Don Bodine's truck - The Behemoth") It's very large and very empty. The guy giving the tour said that this was where Pope John Paul came when he visited Montreal. A young, unknown Canadian singer named Celene Dion sang for him (kind of like a warm up act?) at the stadium. As a result, the Pope has never visited Canada since. (Really - that's what he said!)

One thing I thought was interesting was when I was out to dinner, I was looking for someplace Italian (I had a craving for veal parm) and just walking down Rue Peel when someone came out of a pizzeria. The pie smelled so yummy, I had to go in. I sat down and looking over the menu, I came across in the appetizer section something I hadn't seen in an American restaurant: Escargot Provencal - Snails in a white whine, butter, garlic and shallot sauce. My first thought was: "Even in an Italian place, can't get rid of the French roots," and I dismissed it. But I kept coming back to it on the appetizer page. Finally, I thought "You know, if I don't order it - I'll regret it later, wondering what it tasted like."

So I got it.

Wow.

If you've never eaten snails, it tastes like a cross between mussels and calamari. Very very good.

When I got back to the hotel, I called Alex right away and told her of my gastronomic adventures. She said she had eaten them before, but didn't know if she was brave enough to try them anymore.

I wished she could have been there with me. Montreal was nice, but it would have been magical with her there as well. Calling her every night was nice, but no where near the same.

I think that my Canada trip may eek out one more post....more later!

"I want my spectacular back"

2008-04-05T06:54:00.003-05:00

Brian is actually back now, thankfully. The previous post was only up for a short while a couple of days ago before we thought better of announcing to the whole world that I was alone for 2 weeks. I used to live alone, but it just seemed more prudent. And I held off from blogging about his absence for the same reason and since, while he was gone, that was totally what was on my mind, I didn't blog at all.

But now he's back. While he was gone, a good friend from work would check in on me periodically, asking me how I was doing. When he asked last Monday, Brian had been gone a week at that point. I told him that he (my friend) had actually made me cry. He was a little startled but asked what I meant. Well, I said, you usually ask me how my weekend went. And several times now since I've met Brian, I've said "Spectacular. We had a spectacular weekend. We did this and this and this, and then that and that and that. It was just spectacular." Well, this weekend, I got a lot done, I took a walk, bla bla bla. But the house felt empty without Brian and he's already been gone so long, it was just that much harder. So I knew if you asked me on Monday how my weekend went, I would say, "Fine but not spectacular." And that made me cry, because I missed him all the more poignantly. So I want my spectacular back, I say to him. He (this friend) says he understands what I mean now.

Seriously, Brian brings such a dimension to my life. It can be challenging sometimes, but I will take a full and messy house over a clean and empty one ANY DAY. I'm so serious and always thinking about heavy stuff and he draws out a lighter, more fun-loving part of me. He says, "Rott Road, Raggy" as we drive by Rott Road on the way to his sister's from the airport. What? "That sounds like something Scooby Doo would say - Rott Road, Raggy." Say what you will about both of our senses of humor, but it made me laugh.

We hung out with his family last night because one of his sisters had surgery, so we went straight there from the airport. Very mellow, very pleasant. And since she and her roommate entertain a lot, they keep a nicely stocked cabinet, so the cranberry juice + cherry vodka things were nice. Although I drank Brian's 'cause it was too strong for him, and then he drove home.

And we got here, I swear the dogs leapt clear off the floor several times, and were wagging their tails so hard their entire butts were wagging and they were wiggling and and racing around, jumping and sniffing his pants and luggage. They were ecstatic that he was home. As am I. My spectacular is back. And just in time for the weekend, too!

Oh, Canada! (Part I)

2008-04-02T12:05:00.003-05:00

Well, here I am in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. For the last week and all of this week, I will be here for training on one of our systems that I’ll be working with at my office. The good news is that if training is successful, I should have about 2 years of work ahead of me. (did I say that was the good news?)

Montreal is a very cool place. And by “cool”…I mean “cool.” The average temperature here for the last week has been hovering around bloody cold.

Everyone has been very nice – I would think that would be a prerequisite for a city whose #1 industry is tourism. There have been multiple times when I would go to a restaurant or a shop and the person would say “Bonjour,” and I would automatically reply with “Bonjour.” Then they’d start talking a mile a minute in French and I’d have to halt them and say that “Bonjour” is close to the extent of my French.

The flight up was pretty poor. The first leg which was Saint Louis to Toronto, I was in the last seat in the last row. Crammed up against the side of the plane, not able to recline the seat at all, because the bathroom is lodged right up against the “seat.” The flight was about 2 hours and it was loud, cramped, sweaty and all around no fun – and it was delayed about 10 minutes. Doesn’t seem like too long a delay, does it? Apparently, though, it was JUST enough to get me bumped from my connecting flight. My connection was at 3:00, but just as I went thru to put my bags on the conveyer, a airline official told me that I had been bumped – even though it was only 2:30 and I had ½ hour to get to my gate 5 minutes away. So I stood in a line for 20 minutes to change my flight, gave them my bags, and got to the new gate STILL before 3. Grrrr….

At least the second leg wasn’t too bad. I had an aisle seat, and the seats were bigger and not as narrow and I could recline. I won’t say they were amazingly comfy, but compared to the first flight, it was heaven. I was asleep seconds after wheels up.

The training is long and hard, but like I said, it’ll be good for my job. While I’ve been here, I’ve done the bus-tour thing, gone out to Olympic Park Stadium (Go Expos!) and even hit the Casino de Montreal. (Blackjack is weird when the cards are in French!) It’s very multi-cultural and a nice city – just wish it were warmer!

The bad part about being up here is that it’s 2 weeks away from St. Louis, family, friends and especially Alex. I miss you terribly, babe!

More news later!

Knittin' bug

2008-03-15T00:10:00.013-05:00

Just a quick entry to say that I am knitting these days. Below are pictures of my loving husband and dogs restin' and reraxin' while I knit. I finished Bob's scarf (more on that in the next entry) that is the grey one below, on the towels drying after I washed and blocked it.

Next are pictures related to my current project - a ruana shawl from the Folk Shawl book. Honestly, a lovely, lovely book. Most of the shawls are pretty complicated but there are several that I think I am able to tackle now and a few that I think I will be able to tackle soon enough. The most difficult will just have to wait! Some projects I've been really excited about, thinking I can't wait to finish the next row or stripe or whatever to see what the next effect will be. Only one other has been a little ho-hummy for me, an alpaca neck-warmer that I'm making for my sister. The yarn is beautiful but I didn't want to make another scarf, I wanted to make a hat and actually had about a fourth of it on my brand new set of circular needles when one of the dogs decided the bamboo needles might feel good to chew on, you know, sink your teeth into. Well, thankfully, the goofball didn't swallow any of it, she just left them all over the floor in little bits and pieces. And I haven't had a chance to get back to the store to get new ones, so I decided to make another scarf, and have not been that enthused... I have to finish it though, because I want to give it to my sister next week - where she lives, it will be cold until June, so it'll still be useful to her.

Anyway, the ruana - soooo lovin' it. Every row is great, 'cause I'm switching out the yarn very frequently, as called for in the pattern - all shades of blue and grey. Brian's holding up what I had yesterday, a long skinny strip, and farther below, what I've got done tonight, minus a couple more rows that I did after I took the picture. Actually, the picture of me above is closer, although it's still missing one or two rows from where the project stands right now.

The picture of the travel books have nothing to do with this blog entry, they're just a dream right now, a dream for maybe this time next year. We have a dream.

All snuggled up, 4 in a row

2008-03-09T12:37:00.003-05:00

We have two dogs. They were mine, before Brian and I decided to walk down life's path together. They're big. I grew up with pets. My siblings say it was because I was the youngest, and thus spoiled (they never got to have pets). I had dogs, rabbits, birds, squirrels (only until they were old enough to release; they had fallen out of their tree during a really big rain storm), parakeets, a cockatiel, fish, a gerbil... I've always liked reptiles but couldn't handle the tub o' crickets in the fridge or mouse corpse in the freezer aspect of owning reptiles. So none of them, although I did get my herpetology fix by taking a 3 week intensive in the Ozarks that earned me 4 biology hours and had us tramping along paths, lifting logs and rocks, going through caves, trying to find snakes, salamanders and the like. Loads of fun.

Anyway, back to the dogs. I used to let the dog or dogs in my life (I've had one, two, and three dogs at a time) sleep on the bed with me. In college, when I had 3 dogs, I used to change my sheets every day because of the dog hair. Call me a freak, whatever - my pets have always made a difference in my life, like they take dogs to hospitals to cheer up patients these days. I mean, they never made any demands (particularly dogs). OK, walk 'em, feed' em, clean up the poop, whatever. But no matter what grades you got, what chore you had forgotten to do, how many books you had to pay the 5 cent late library fee on, whatever, they loved you. Bad hair day? Are you kidding? Have you seen the mats I have behind my ears, and this really gnarly one on my tummy? Good mood? Great, let's go take a walk. You know that place I like, the one with the ducks and the trees and the water I fall into sometimes. Feeling blue? No problem. My rubber ball with do the trick. It's a little slobbery and has teeth marks all over it that have kind of made it rough instead of smooth, but it's a great mood-lifter. Try it, really, here it is. Oh, you don't want to chew on my rubber ball? OK. Would you mind throwing it then, just once or twice? You know, so you can get the feel of it again, for when you do it 200 times later this afternoon. Brian read somewhere that husbands are portable sources of heat that snore. We came up with one, that dogs are portable sources of love that shed. Dogs love. Unerringly. Unquestioningly. And it's awesome. But some people aren't pet people, or dog people. Either you get it or you don't, but for me and now Brian, who didn't grow up with dogs or pets - his mom didn't like pets and he says they were lucky to have fish - takes care of the dogs all the time, they're great.

Anyway, years ago, actually, toward the end of college, I realized changing my sheets every day was ridiculous. At least for me. A little to much closeness. So, I trained the dogs not to get on the bed or the sofa, except upon direct invitation from me (or another appropriate authority figure). And that's kind of been the policy ever since.

Here, the dogs don't get on to the sofas or the bed in the house, although they're generally allowed wherever they feel like on the front porch seating area. When we're not around, they do sometimes sneak onto one of the sofas in front of the windows, because they're trying to look out the windows and step up on the sofas. They get in trouble, though, and the little sneaks know not to do it when we're around.

But last night, I called them up on the bed. If Brian and I could have actually managed to sleep, they would have probably slept all night on the bed. But they tend to sleep horizontally on the bed, taking up 3 times the space they could if they just cared about sharing the bed in a non-piled up fashion. Meaning, they don't mind piles, legs resting on top of them, whatever, but it's less comfortable for those of us used to sleeping on a flat and not lumpy, bumpy puppy surface. Besides, we can't curl around and rest around noses on our toes quite as easily, so forming a puppy pile is a little harder for us.

I'm beating around the bush, because I don't want to type what I need to type. So, as I was saying, we needed to feel the dogs close to us, warm, breathing, shedding everywhere, and hogging the bed. We were supposed to have friends, Scott and Aric, over for dinner last night. I accidentally had my phone on "silent" yesterday. When they were unusually late, I went over to look at my phone, knowing that they would have at least called by then to say they were running late. I had missed ten calls from them. Their dogs got out of the yard. One of them, Bogey, this crazy, high-spirited, high-energy poodle, was hit and killed yesterday afternoon. The other was missing until someone reported him found at the Humane Society, and, thankfully, could be brought safely back home. Scott had to throw away what he was wearing because there was so much blood on his clothes.

We had a significant amount of food prepared for our dinner with them, and there were other friends over at their house, so we took it all over there and were able to share with them, grieve with them, be with them. The house was so quiet without Bogey, really. He was the kind of dog that would run around and around and then flop over asleep like a mop, not to move again until morning. It was really funny.

And then, we came home and hugged our dogs, and felt how warm they are and got dog hair on the sheets again. And this morning, snuggled together with them again, and prayed together for our friends. This time, they climbed into the bed so that we were all lined up, like 4 kids under one big blanket. Well, Brian and I prayed, and the dogs snuggled between us. But they added their doggie kharma, too.

They Will Not Go Quietly
They will not go quietly,
the dogs that shared our lives.
In subtle ways they let us know
their spirit still survives.
Old habits still make us think
we hear a barking at the door.
Or step back when we drop
a tasty morsel on the floor.
Our feet still go around the place
the food dish used to be,
And sometimes, coming home at night,
we miss them terribly.
And although time may bring new friends
and a new food dish to fill,
That one place in our hearts
belongs to them...
and always will.
Linda Barnes

Breathe in, breathe out

2008-02-27T06:30:00.005-06:00

Life? A little hectic right now. But good. Things definitely feel like they're moving in the right direction, on several fronts. Getting in shape has been frustrating, as always. It's a simple equation, really, calories in/calories out. But combined with some hormonal issues and lifelong habits that don't serve a fitness goal well... Persistence, just persistence.

In the last few months, I've participated in a book club, and it was my turn to host it recently. We cleaned, bought some nice apéritifs, set out the chairs. The house looked really nice, and I gotta give props to my man - he rolled up his sleeves and jumped right in. We even got to some of the things that didn't even make it to the list last year because of the wedding, much less actually get done. I'm talking about those things you do two, maybe three times a year, plus the stuff that's done more like once a month, plus the regular chores. Oy, weh, I can't tell you how nice it is to slowly be getting the house under control! Plus, our plumbing crisis has been stopped. We're not done renovating, but we're not in crisis (i.e., water is no longer dripping through the dining room ceiling. I tell you what, no matter how small a drip like that is, it's really NOT ok when it's coming through your dining room ceiling. And it's especially not OK when it is sometimes not that small of a drip!). So, since the plumber rocks, he really is a nice (and almost more importantly, effective) guy, the pressure from that situation is gone.

I also recently went to a women's retreat with my parish. All I can say is, wow! Very spiritual, very powerful, and something I definitely want more of in my life. Hard to be away from Brian (hey, some day, I may be like, honey, don't you have a business trip to go on? but for now, being apart is just new and hard).

About the baby stuff - there's a part of me that wants one quickly. We've been thinking about it for a while. But I just don't know that I'm ready yet. Not all the time, but there are even some evenings when Brian is on the computer or watching something, and I'm knitting or on my computer, and it is soooooo nice. After the craziness of getting our relationship off the ground in the context of his dad's illness and death, and then engagement, and then wedding, it's nice to just chill the heck out. Go to trivia nights. Have friends over for poker night. Book club. Go to the movies whenever we want to. Read, if we want to. No child care, no 15 emergency numbers on the fridge, no infant CPR, no family members butting in (as they will, you know they will), no sleepless nights/weeks/months, or worrying about life insurance and benefits. And we both agree that rushing into things is not what either of us wants, so it's not like this post is meant to contrast Brian's post - we've definitely got baby on the brain. It's just that, once we started talking about finally making it (or trying to make it) happen for real, we're backing off just a little bit, and just for now. Just a nice status quo.

So that's where I'm at right now, breathing it all in, enjoying the newlywed moments. I think I'm going to stay for a while. Even though I could worry if I wanted to, but I don't want to jump into something before I'm ready or he's ready. Hopefully, it won't take too long for us to feel ready! :-)

No, not yet...but sometime in the near future...

2008-02-16T11:08:00.007-06:00

So Alex and I have been talking about kids. When I say "talking," we've actually had multiple conversations about children since we first were seriously dating. We both want children (1 or 2) and we'd like to have them sometime in the near future.

To that end, Alex has started to buy baby clothes for our as yet unconcieved child. At first, I thought that that idea was a bit off...I mean - no one is even pregnant yet. But the majority of the books that Alex has gotten on the subject of babies and pregnancy show that they go through at least 2 or 3 outfits a day. Okay, I'm on board now with the getting clothes early.

And, I have to admit, the clothes are darling. I picked up a little onesie and held it like you would a baby...and it was the cutest thing I ever saw.

Couple all that with the fact that my cousin is very pregnant with her first child. She wanted in lieu of cards to buy books for the baby's library. We picked up one of my favourites from when I was a child...Go, Dog, Go! You might say that we have babies on our mind.

I've even written a letter. It's addressed: "To my unborn child," It's a simple two page letter to him or her about how their mom and I will love them unconditionally forever. I may write a few more to put into their baby book. I may post it here later, but right now, I want to keep the contents just between Alex and me.

So, yeah...babies, babies, babies....Aaaaaah! :)

I know Alex will be a wonderful mom. I hope that I will be a good dad.

How Can I Keep From Singing

2008-02-04T19:17:00.000-06:00

No storm can shake my in-most calm
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since Love is Lord of heaven and earth,
How can I keep from singing?

When my dad died, there were a bunch of priests and a couple of cardinals - like 20 or something. There were hundreds of cars in the procession. He actually wanted to be a priest but was diabetic and therefore rejected, but went on to a different calling. My parents are ultra-Catholic. They also focused intensely throughout their lives on working toward social justice. Because both my parents were in essence academics/intellectuals, the people they had over for dinner talked politics, religion, economics, what have you. It was people with PhDs and... well, suffice to say, intelligent people, and they were of many different colors, of many different nationalities. It wasn't until college that I realized people associated certain characteristics or attributes with certain skin colors. It wasn't until law school that I felt identified or classified or categorized because of my skin color (my dad, lily white of Swedish and German heritage, married my mom, a Hispanic woman).

My life flows on in endless song
Above earth's lamentation
It sounds and echoes in my soul;
How can I keep from singing?

So, besides tipping my hat to my parents, the point of this is that one can, I believe, be Catholic AND believe in social justice, desiring an end to war, poverty, racism, sexism, classism, and the other ills of the world. These are not intellectually inconsistent concepts; there is no cognitive dissonance to be reconciled, and I know, because I was raised with people that lived their lives according to these principles.

And yet, my parish, that embodies these Catholic values deeply -- many of the parishioners are the social justice leaders and activists in the St. Louis community -- is under the gun from the archdiocese.

Through all the tumult and the strife,
I hear that music ringing;
It sounds and echoes in my soul;
How can I keep from singing?

What though the tempest 'round me roar,
I hear the truth it liveth.
What though the darkness 'round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.

Thomas Aquinas, now recognized as a Church father, was condemned multiple times by the Archbishop of Paris. But who remembers him, that enforcer of institutional dominion?

When tyrants tremble, sick with fear,
And hear their death knells ringing;
When friends rejoice both far and near,
How can I keep from singing?

I, personally, am not that vested in any of the battles. I think Brian and I are more just looking for a place to pray, for our faith to grow, and we like that we're surrounded by people that are making the world a better place. Not that we claim such laud; it's the people around us that are so active. But we like it, we really value it.

It's not the walls, it's the people; it's not the bricks and mortar, it's the spirit. I know that. But, really? To come under fire for believing Jesus invited everyone to his table, by the alleged keepers of that very faith? I may be missing something here, not being a biblical scholar and all, but I'm going to step out on a limb and say there's a disconnect there.

Bla bla bla - I'm just talking, talking. Do the words mean anything?

The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart,
A fountain ever springing.
All things are mine since I am his;
How can I keep from singing?

No storm can shake my in-most calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since Love is Lord of heaven and earth,
How can I keep from singing?

My dad used to say, you can't preach to an empty stomach. I think he meant it literally (like you need to feed and clothe people first, then start teaching them something, anything, or they won't be able to listen, even if they wanted to). But I think it can also have some metaphorical application - do we not need nourishment, encouragement, assistance, cheer, hope, incentives, from our spiritual leaders? I do not look to Lindell to fill the cupboards in my kitchen, but, to the extent it is involved in my life at all, I would expect a positive spiritual force, not a recriminating one, not a distressful one. But who am I kidding? In my lifetime, Lindell has always been Lindell and Lindell it will always be. But I am Catholic and that cannot be taken from me - I couldn't keep from singing, even if I wanted to, which I don't. And what I've cited here is a Quaker hymn, attributed to Robert Lowry (1826-1899).

------------------ A poem ------------------

Wage Peace

Wage Peace with your breath.

Breathe in firemen and rubble.
Breathe out whole buildings and flocks of red-wing blackbirds.
Breathe in terrorists
Breathe out sleeping children and fresh mown fields.
Breathe in confusion and breathe out maple trees.
Breathe in the fallen and breathe out life long relationships intact.

Wage peace with our listening; hearing sirens, pray loud.

Remember your tools: flower seeds, clothing pins, clean rivers.

Make soup.

Play music; learn the word "thank you" in 3 languages.
Learn to knit: make a hat.
Think of chaos as dancing raspberries.

Imagine grief
as the outbreak of beauty or gesture of fish.

Swim for the other side.
Wage peace.
Never has the word seemed so fresh and precious.
Have a cup of tea and rejoice.
Act as if armistice has already arrived.
Celebrate today.

Judyth Hill
12 September 2001

The monkey that protected him

2008-01-17T10:46:00.000-06:00

About 11:00 a.m. yesterday, Brian calls. "I made an appointment with the doctor." OK. "I'm having some tightness in my chest." Hmmm. "It's for Monday." OK, can't be that urgent. A little more conversation, then talk to you later, honey.

About 11:45 a.m. yesterday, Brian calls again. "The doctor's office called back, they say I should go to the ER." Not so good. But we're talking about which hospital he wants to go to, he's not getting med-evac'd out of his office, so serious but not urgent. Based on personal experience, I want him to stay away from Barnes (given that he didn't get a bullet to the head, we'd be triaged until next Tuesday) and St. Mary's (I have just not been happy there, on the one occasion I had to go (broken foot, although the surgery dept and the surgeon were great) plus because of other family and friends and their experiences).

I'm recommending St. Joe's in Kirkwood (absolutely awesome experience, the one time I went there (concussion) and plus the minister, Fr. Jim Krings, used to be pastor at our church, and he is truly an enlightened soul) or St. John's. Brian definitely wants to avoid Barnes as well (triage concerns) but doesn't think it's safe to drive as far as St. Joe's or St. John's.

St. Mary's, it is, and I'll meet you there.

My friends from work that I was going to lunch with need to get out of my car (one of them, B., gave the opening prayer at the church wedding), but fortunately, we've just pulled up at St. Raymond's, and the other car with other co-workers will fit them so I'm not leaving them stranded.

By the time I get to St. Mary's and catch up with Brian in the ER, they've completed the EKG (they don't dawdle on heart stuff, we found, at least not initially). Long story short, seven or so hours later, we came home - after clarifying to the doctor that no, Brian had never donated a kidney, and had not presented with a fever, severe cough, and urinating problems. And no, thank you, we did not need blood tests done to test his renal function. The guy next door apparently had donated a kidney, and did have a fever, severe cough, and urinating problems, sounds like something might be going on with that guy, you may want to check on him. In the meantime, how's Brian's heart - not his remaining kidney - functioning? All the tests are coming back negative on a cardiac event? Good to know, thank you very much, can we leave now and never come back?

But I'm getting ahead of myself - I asked Brian if he wanted to call his mom, 'cause didn't he think she would want to know he was in the hospital, 'cause I know I would want to at least know? I mean, if they had been doing CPR, of COURSE I would have called, immediately, but still, she would probably want to know. Yes, he thinks so, too, we should call her. OK, not a fun phone call. "Hi, J., how are you? Good? Oh, that's nice. Us? Weeeell, we're in the hospital, things seem calm right now, but they're running some tests on Brian. Should you come? Hm. I'm sooo not making that decision. "

Brian's mom and two sisters came, as soon as they could. Sooo nice to have the support from them. Brian was stressed (obviously), so I couldn't be the one to wig out, and God knows, 116 days into the marriage, I didn't want to have to make any decisions alone, and my side is out of the country, or in Chicago, at work, have their own health issues, etc., etc., etc.

One of his sisters handed him a red monkey, the barrel full o' monkeys kind. We fiddled around with it, joked about it, kept our hands busy with it, whatever. Then, when she had to leave, Brian tries to give it back to her, you know, just, "don't forget your monkey" or whatever. No, she says to him, you can't give it back, because it's protecting you. You have to keep it.

So we kept it. And it protected him. Still need some tests to find out what happened, but we got home safe and sound, after just several hours as opposed to something else. Having lived through various "something elses" of my own and with friends and family, let me tell you, I was pretty happy to be home again. The stress of the day caught up, we cried, I puked, but we're OK.

To be fair, I didn't call my side 'til it was over, but would have if, say, the situation had become critical and urgent. And I know they would have been there for us, too. As an aside, my parents had an early scare, as well; having traveled to Europe on a ship, back in the day when planes weren't as widespread yet, the ship (if I recall correctly) had to alter its course and lay anchor in Spain, so that my dad could get med-evac'd off the ocean liner/ship/whatever (I don't know my water vessel terminology). Something about a diabetic coma, again, if memory serves, that he was not expected to survive, although he did, obviously, or I wouldn't be making this blog entry right now. I'll have to ask her if I can ever get through on the blinkin' phone lines. Not like she's on a small island off of New Guinea or anything but, geez, I can't get through.

In any case, for us, yesterday, it was the monkey that did it, so thank you for the monkey, No. 5. And thank you for being with us, Nos. 1, 2, and 4.

"This is the life I want!"

2008-01-15T20:42:00.000-06:00

We had my sister and her beau over for dinner yesterday. He's in construction, really knows what he's doing, and we have a plumbing situation. Yes, "situation." So we had asked if they'd come over, hang out for a bit, give us their thoughts (my sister just went through a massive year-and-a-half, gut re-hab).

I cleaned, Brian cooked. You should have seen us fly! The house looked great (nothing like having people over to motivate one to dust, sweep, straighten... And when you couldn't get out of work early enough to have enough time, you move quickly). After about an hour and fifteen minutes of intense activity, things were in order and the meal was just waiting for their arrival to be completed (we didn't want to cook the pasta until they got there, but the water was already on a low boil). I had set the table nicely with our new dishes, wineglasses, etc., and we had low-key classical music in the background.

Brian stops me mid-stride, pulls me close, and says, "Music, beautiful setting, good food, having people over, and you with me, always. This is the life I want!"

We had a really nice time.

So... my goodness, my last blog entry was long, long ago. Hmmm. So much that I want to write down, so much that I want to remember, which was the whole point of the blog in the first place.

Well, first off, the holidays went well. We organized the scheduling so that we got some personal time by ourselves, to create some of our own traditions -- Brian's idea, really, and it worked out very well. We will have to tweak it a little more next Christmas because I was kind of fried (and grouchy) by the time we hit 4 a.m. But overall, all was well, and we enjoyed the time with our respective families.

Between Christmas and New Year's, we went to see dinner and a movie (Ari's Greek & Juno at the Tiv) with good friends; just west and wewaxation at wast. Another good time, pleasant and low-key.

New Year's we spent with the friends of ours that got married the Friday after our wedding - we actually changed the honeymoon dates to be back in time. For me, that was one of the best new year's I've ever had. It was low-key, 12-15 people at first, then about 8-10 by the time midnight struck because several people had other parties to go to. Lovely food, lively conversation.

[I see a theme developing: low-key = good. After the wedding and rolling right in to the holidays, it's understandable].

And the first few weeks of '08? Well, a caucus at the Royale seemed like a good way to start the year off. You can actually see us in the foreground (we got there before all the cameras and didn't know that's where things were going to be happening, although we can barely recognize ourselves in the somewhat blurry picture. It was also good because I'm so short, it was nice to able to see things happening for once). In any case, I believe history was made the night of the Iowa caucus, and I dream of change.

Then, Sunday night, this women's book club I got involved with via Bridgett. What an intelligent, gifted group of women! Really, the discussions are enlightening.

Which brings us, more or less, to dinner last night, and the life we want, Brian and I, together. I bumped into some interesting materials online on marriage. I somehow didn't save it; I'll re-type the rules here, replacing their comments with thoughts of my own.
_________________________________________________
Coupledom has changed a lot in the past 10 years. Listen in as the top relationship experts from the Redbook Marriage Institute reveal what it really takes to keep your union hot and happening these days.

1. Old rule: Spend all your leisure time together. And be suspicious if your spouse wants away-from-you time.
New rule: Occasionally go out with friends - without your spouse. It's normal and even necessary, and will enrich your marriage.

Are you kidding? I like my own time. I need my own time. I love being with Brian, but a 24/7 thing would just be too much for me; I enjoy hanging out with my own friends, or having the house to myself when Brian is out and about with his. And then I love it when we are back together again.

2. Old rule: Seek professional counseling to help a troubled marriage.
New rule: Make a good marriage great from the start by learning helpful relationship skills taught through couples' workshops.

Seriously. Half of all marriages end in divorce. I don't think waiting 'til after Timmy falls down the well or the horse is out of the barn to try some desperate rescue attempt is the way to go. Brian and I just had this conversation on Saturday; neither of us has been married before, so it would be nice to take a "Marriage 101" class or something. All is well in our relationship, but we think it behooves us to nurture and maintain, grow and develop, rather than hacking off atrophied limbs, metaphorically speaking, or do CPR at some later date to try to save things (oh horror of horrors) . I don't know if these type of classes or workshops or couples' retreats or whatevers exist, but maybe I'll do some research on this.

3. Old rule: Husbands and wives should divide housework equally.
New rule: Do chores according to whichever partner has the appropriate skills, time and inclination to do them.

Things are evolving pretty naturally in this arena. Brian is good at paying the bills on time; dishes in the sink bug me more than they bug him, so I do them sometimes a little bit more than him, but he knows they bug me, so he does them a lot, too. And in situations such as Monday, where we had little time, we very neatly divvied things up, without actually talking about it, in fact, and just pulled it together, both of us together. Nice.

4. Old rule: The true test of a marriage is how well you get through the big crises.
New rule: The little, everyday things - both positive and negative - are what really determine a relationship's success.

Hmmm. Hadn't thought much about this, but it makes sense. I mean, in times of crises, obviously you hope you'll react well and that your partner will react well, but can you really judge a person for how they handle really difficult situations? I mean, God willing, we won't have too many crises to find out, but if something catastrophic were to occur and Brian were constantly arguing or I were constantly crying or whatever, I don't know that it would be fair for one of us to hold that against the other. But if someone were a total dick to me when nothing was really going on, especially on a consistent basis, I think I'd definitely have some issues. Obviously, there are boundaries that should never be crossed (think physical violence), but having a bad moment during a crisis is what defines a crisis. It's a crisis. So I get that one.

5. Old rule: To have a strong marriage, choose a partner who shares the same background as you.
New rule: For a strong union, it doesn't matter if your backgrounds are different; your negotiating and compromising skills are more important.

Gotta say, absolutely on this one. For one thing, Brian and I actually have very similar backgrounds. But we have to navigate situations all the time. Both of us are used to living on our own; neither of us likes to fight. So we navigate through stuff, discussing, negotiating, compromising, what have you. So far, so good, as they say. Some stumbling, bumping into each other, but so far, so good.

6. Old rule: A couple's romantic relationship must always take a backseat when they become parents.
New rule: After you have a child, it's crucial to make your marriage a priority.

We haven't crossed this bridge yet (kids), but we are trying to keep romance pretty much front & center, which is why we have celebrated "monthiversaries" from the beginning. Of course, we're in the honeymoon phase still, so we haven't had to try particularly hard. The tough part of keeping romance alive when you're sleep-deprived and responsible for a "little bundle of visceral urges" (what my sister called her baby at about 6 weeks of age) will come soon enough, but we hope we find ways to keep on going and going and going... Again, half of all marriages and all that.

Well, we seem to have "scored" pretty well. Of course, life's not quite so neat and compartmentalized, but not bad. Not bad at all.

____________________________________________________

Ah well. That concludes today's show. Good night and good luck, y'all.

Nicholas Was...

2007-12-22T22:57:00.000-06:00

Older than sin, and his beard could grow no whiter. He wanted to die.

The dwarfish natives of the Arctic caverns did not speak his language, but conversed in their own, twittering tongue, conducted incomprehensible rituals, when they were not actually working in the factories.

Once every year they forced him, sobbing and protesting, into Endless Night. During the journey he would stand near every child in the world, leave one of the dwarves’ invisible gifts by its bedside. The children slept, frozen into time.

He envied Prometheus and Loki, Sisyphus and Judas. His punishment was harsher.

Ho.

Ho.

Ho.

---Poem by Neil Gaiman, from his book Smoke and Mirrors

Merry Christmas, everyone! :)

Be my penguin...?

2007-12-09T14:04:00.002-06:00

About a month ago, I ran across a web comic that several years ago, I would have found schmaltzy. (I think I spelled that right...) Now, though, I just find it sweet.

Since then, Alex and I have been calling each other "penguin" or "pang-win" :) Yes, just one more pet name to add to our ever growing list.

My birthday was recently, and for it, Alex got me a stuffed penguin, a little water filled paperweight with penguins and for the ultimate...she went to the zoo and we adopted a penguin!
(Not one at the zoo - it's one in the wild...I won't be able to go to the zoo and see how s/he is doing...if it's getting along with the other penguins...doing well in school, that kind of thing...but still...how cool is that?!)

Alex is soooo my penguin...

Fred and Ginger? Well, maybe Fred Flintstone...

2007-12-09T10:34:00.001-06:00

So, something we've wanted to do for a long time...pretty much since our early days of dating... (Ye gods, can I say "early days of dating" if we've been married for a whole 8 weeks now?) ...is learn to dance.

Don't get me wrong...Alex has moves. There are times she's standing in the kitchen and the music is playing and she's just moving to it...it's absolutely lovely to watch. She knows how to move to the music and it really shows. Whereas there are times that I move...well...more like this...

...Anyway, last Tuesday, we went to a dance studio called Strictly Ballroom, and after donning dance shoes, Alex and I were given a few steps. We both love Sinatra and Dean Martin, etc (we played a lot of them at the wedding) and the dances that mostly go with those type of songs are the foxtrot and waltz. So now, we can "kinda" do those dances. Not very well, yet, I tell you...but only because we've only done it for about an hour or so. We still need much practice. But we've got the basic moves down - and we loved it. I don't know how many guys are out there reading this and are scoffing, but I tell you, learning to really move right on the dance floor is something very cool. I highly reccommend it.

The purpose for the dance studio is, of course, to sell lessons, and Alex and I basically gave our Christmas present to each other there by buying a set.

So with some luck, at the next wedding, we'll be able to really dance the night away.

  When marimba rhythms start to play
  Dance with me, make me sway
  Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore
  Hold me close, sway me more

  Like a flower bending in the breeze
  Bend with me, sway with ease
  When we dance you have a way with me
  Stay with me, sway with me

    Other dancers may be on the floor
    Dear, but my eyes will see only you
    Only you have the magic technique
    When we sway I go weak

  I can hear the sounds of violins
  Long before it begins
  Make me thrill as only you know how
  Sway me smooth, sway me now

    Other dancers may be on the floor
    Dear, but my eyes will see only you
    Only you have the magic technique
    When we sway I go weak

  I can hear the sounds of violins
  Long before it begins
  Make me thrill as only you know how
  Sway me smooth, sway me now
  You know how
  Sway me smooth, sway me now

Crêpe, monsieur?

2007-11-17T17:58:00.001-06:00

This morning, I felt like making crêpes. My body had woken up at 6:30 a.m. but I refused to get up, even if all I was going to do was lie in bed. So I did, and after a while, fell back asleep.

When I awoke again at 9 or so, I wanted to make breakfast for Brian. He does nice things for me, so I wanted to do something nice for him. I originally thought to make french bread (feeling kind of frenchie today, I guess), but then AHA! not french bread, no, but crrrêpes, monsieur!!! It made me think back to when I learned how to make them when I lived in Nantes and how easy it was. I did have to look up a recipe because I couldn't remember the proportions of the egg and flour, but other than that, it was like old times. And so I made crêpes for the one I love.

Ah, the joys of being in love with no children yet. I had the luxury of refusing to get up. Hmmm.... Living in the moment, I am. Definitely.

INGREDIENTS

1 cup all-purpose flour
2 eggs
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup water
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons butter, melted

DIRECTIONS

In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the flour and the eggs. Gradually add in the milk and water, stirring to combine. Add the salt and butter; beat until smooth.
Heat a lightly oiled griddle or frying pan over medium high heat. Pour or scoop the batter onto the griddle, using approximately 1/4 cup for each crepe. Tilt the pan with a circular motion so that the batter coats the surface evenly.
Cook the crepe for about 2 minutes, until the bottom is light brown. Loosen with a spatula, turn and cook the other side. Serve hot.

The only thing I changed was that I didn't melt the butter first and put it into the batter; rather, I melted butter into the pan (ordinary non-stick but quite large) and poured the batter directly into the melted butter. I figured it would absorb it either way, and was quite right about that.

We had them with chocolate (I had a Lindt bar of truffles from the day before), strawberry jam, cheese. Not all at once, but separately! ;-) They were so popular that Bri's on his way to buy actual nutella and ham and shredded cheese so we can have them for dinner. Mmmmm....

'Twas a happy day, four Saturdays ago

2007-11-10T22:40:00.000-06:00

Four Saturdays ago, I married Brian. Again. It's a done deal - before human laws as well as those of the divine (that which is greater than all of us), we are together. It's like dancing, really. For the most part, we're dancing together. We truly did have a happy day, on the day of the civil ceremony AND the day of the church wedding. And since then, we're dancing. Oh, it's romantic and the honeymoon phase will likely end someday -- to our great misfortune -- but it's beautiful for now, like living inside of a snow globe or a Disney movie. Sure, every once in a while we step on each other's toes but la la la. I'm enjoying it for now. In fact, I'm reveling in the idyll.

More pics

2007-10-27T12:34:00.001-05:00

My Vows

2007-10-23T21:46:00.000-05:00

I know that several people at the wedding couldn't hear my and/or Alex's vows when we spoke them to each other. Quite frankly, at the time, I was just glad I remembered them all (mostly!) Anyway, for anyone interested, here's what I said:

Alex,

Everyone knows the “better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health, in good times and bad.” And while I agree with, and promise all of those things, that doesn’t convey everything I want to say…

I want to say that being with you makes me happier than I have ever known. No matter what we are doing, having you there makes the experience more enjoyable…

I want to say that seeing your face glow when you are happy (just like it is now!) is one of the great joys in my life…and while I cannot promise to always make you happy, I can promise to always try...

I want to say that I want you to be the first person I talk to when I wake up and the last person I talk to before I go to sleep…

I want to say that I cannot wait to discover new things with you and about you as we travel, both literally and metaphorically, on our life’s journeys together…

I want to say that I am so proud that you are becoming my wife and I couldn’t be prouder to be your husband.

And finally, I want to say that I promise to stand beside you, loving you always…you and no other…no matter what…until the stars fade from view…

Memory starts to fade within a half an hour...

2007-10-14T08:14:00.000-05:00

All is well in my world. Brian is asleep, the wedding went well (no cake disasters, etc.), and I had a really good time. No, a really good time. Research tells us that memory starts to fade within a half an hour (assuming there was a good imprint in the first place) and even that memory can be altered simply by asking a question (watch this video, please. ok, now, where did the robber put the knife after he took the lady's purse? and people respond, "he threw it in the bushes" or "he slipped it back in his pocket" when there was no knife in the video at all. How freaky is that? ). So I want to write down as much as possible about what I remember from yesterday, in case I forget. They're not in order.

Looking down at the patio, where guests were eating, and seeing that it looked like a European bistro. Maria and Dave were sitting outside, at a table with linens, wine glasses, and so forth, and it looked sooo lovely.
Holding Brian's hand when we first sat down at the front of the church, being nervous and knowing I could only get through this if he were with me and feeling the calm (or at least, calmer energy) spreading through my body.
Wanting people to read more slowly, sing more slowly, everything, so I would have more time to take it in.
Peeking through the tiny slit between the doors that Dave and John had opened so that we could see when it was our turn, and noticing how lovely the dark green aisle runner with the petals looked.
Getting pelted with rose petals as we left the church - meaning, some people through them up, so they would drift down over us, and someone just threw there handful of petals like a baseball at my face... it was funny. :-D
Dancing with Professor Siekmann.
The piñata. Ugliest little piñata I have ever had the misfortune of making or being associated with (but, hey, at 3 a.m. the night of the wedding, the duct tape and spray paint were the only options I had left, and I was going to have a piñata at my wedding, dammit), but it did it's job. The kids loved it.
Hearing the piñata song being sung overhead (dale dale dale no pierdas el tino, porque si lo pierdes pierdes el camino) and looking up to the balcony to see my hispanic contingency representin'.
Noticing when we got to MSB that they had taken the piñata back down because it had drizzled a little and thinking how incredibly nice that was of them.
Tasting the ganache from the chocolate cake. Mmmmm. And tasting the frosting from one of the other cakes that we served.
One of the kids showing me a pumpkin balloon that either Rob or Carlos had made.
Mike saying "Welcome" when he hugged me after he gave me the toast.
Speaking of hugs, Maloki actually leaning in to give me a hug at the end of the nite.
Standing with Liz, chatting, and several guys walking by, saying the men's bathroom was free. That was the only time I had to talk to her all nite, and I was only over there because of a potential garment disaster with Nen that was actually only a popped zipper.
Judy saying I could have the rosary brought by Grandma Budde from Ireland. I had asked to borrow it because it was green, and I wanted to walk down the aisle with a rosary (it was my "something borrowed"), but when she came down to the basement to give it to me, she said "you can keep that."
My aunt, sewing the hem on my mom's dress because my mom had changed her mind on the dress she was going to wear (she had two options and had chosen a much longer one that she actually had made for her, but Judy's dress was a lot shorter, so she switched to the shorter one (my sister brought it to the church), only the hem wasn't completely done or something.
How nice my mom and my aunt's hair looked, as well as Judy's, that my aunt had put up at the last minute because Judy had spent the morning looking for a stiptic (sp?) stick for Brian, who had cut himself shaving (he spent the night before the wedding at his mom's). They all looked beautiful.
My aunts saying nice things to Brian when they placed the lazos, both at the same time ( :-) ), and Chayo saying that the lazos were the bond of true love.
How beautifully my dressed swirled while I danced.
Giving my mom, Judy, Grandma, and my two aunts the flowers, after we took the flowers to the Virgin.
Getting tears in my eyes at the rehearsal when we were practicing taking the flowers to the Virgin and hearing people sing a first few strains of Immaculate Mary, which I will never, ever hear without thinking of my dad (which is, of course, precisely why we chose that song for that part of the ceremony). And when mom and Judy came up and gave us our single rose to take to the Virgin, during the real ceremony, they gave us each a hug, and when mom and I heard the music, we made eye contact for a brief moment and both teared up just a bit.
How hard it was to move with that long, long veil.
Tim ("Abe Tim") being one of the first people I saw through the veil as I started walking down the aisle.
How incredibly nice the two photographers (Jennifer and Paula) were. If their pics are half as nice as I think they are going to be, we'll be fine).
How many people said it was a wonderful ceremony, a beautiful ceremony, a gorgeous ceremony, a unique ceremony, over and over. Must have heard it 50 times.
Matt saying we had pretty much trumped everybody as far as Catholic weddings go, with that papal blessing and how nobody was ever going to beat that.
Jaimísimo saying how he had told one of the seminarians that we Johnsons referred to him as Jaimísimo and how I had even put "Jaimísimo" in the rehearsal program, showing everybody's parts and who was doing what.
Asking one of the photographers to get a pick of my lace-up back, because I had gotten a second dress, the one I wore, because I hadn't listened to my heart the first time and held out for a lace-up back like I should have in the first place.
How absolutely handsome John and Dave looked and hoping someone had caught a pic of Dave leaning against a pew or a wall while they were standing at some point or another talking to each other, and realizing as I'm typing this now that Mr. M was probably doing some of that leaning because of the pain he has in his foot from an injury that has been plaguing him for a while now.
How pretty Kate looked, and how sorry I was that I hadn't gotten to spend more time with Liz, Sean, Margaret, Kate, and Brian.
Seeing one of the young waiter guys give Margaret his card (presumably with personal contact information on it) and wanting to go say something (like, "get away from her, you lug nut"), but noticing how she seemed to appreciate it and how grown up she looked, so I didn't say anything, I just walked away.
Noticing how well Brian socialized with everybody.

Oh, God, there's so much more, but I need to run over to say by to Nen, 'cause she's leaving this morning. More later.

And nooooow! The one. The only. The ciiiiiivil ceremony!

2007-09-27T18:51:00.000-05:00

I will let the pictures speak for themselves.
I would change two things: 1) mosquito repellent for all of us at the park, and 2) air conditioning at my mom's.
Nothing else. Absolutely nothing else.

How far back should I go?

2007-09-27T17:10:00.000-05:00

Well, I last blogged in early June (except for my quickie entry of a week and a half ago). So maybe I'll start with my trip to Mexico. One of my aunts is a nun. She's been a nun for 50 years and celebrated her jubilee. I wanted to do something with my mom as a single daughter before getting married and given the rest of my mom's commitments this past summer, she suggested I come along for this.

What a privilege, let me tell you. My aunt rocks. She just rocks. She lived here in St. Louis for a while, back in the day when buses still were separated front and back. She would always go sit in the back, and kind-hearted white folks would signal to her and wave her back toward the front (probably have noticed her olive-toned skin and thinking she didn't know any better). Well, they would say, "Ma'am, you don't have to sit back there" but she always answered, "Yes, I do." And she would sit in the back every time she got on the bus. She's only told me that story once and she didn't say it with a great deal of fuss or anything; she was making a point about something else in our discussion. But I always thought that's one of the coolest things any of my relatives have ever done, at least that I've heard of. She's gone on to do lots of things - missionary work, tending to the sick, and the like. You know, nun-like things.

So after that, back to St. Louis for a few quick days at work and then - on the road again la la la la la la la... This time, with my big sister, who happened to be working in California and who asked if I wanted to catch up with her using some of her Southwest miles. Hellooo? Is the sky blue? The pope catholic? The ocean big? Well, yes, I wanted to go. So we rented a car in Sacramento, stopped off for dim-sum in San Fran, and hit the Big Sur. We had intended to take the scenic drive down Highway 1 which would take a couple extra hours but probably hit LA some time that day, Saturday. Ha. We barely made it to Monterey. At one point, we clocked four hours to go 30 miles. Part of it is the switchbacks with gut-wrenching precipices on the one side (and yes, we were heading south, so we were on the outside) and a wall of rock - meaning no where to go - on the other side.

Ultimately, we didn't hit Venice Beach until late Monday, just in time for the sunset. But what a trip. Man o man, what a trip. I had the second most beautiful experience of my life watching the full moon rise over a beautiful ocean, sipping some red wine and eating chocolate. Intriguingly, my most beautiful experience in life also involves traveling with my sister, mountains, and the ocean. Hmm. That bears some reflection, but later. For now, suffice to say that we quickly started calling it my bachelorette trip and it could not have been better. We got along (sometimes, traveling with siblings can be tricky, but everything was great), that part of the world is beautiful (the pictures here do it no justice). Perfect.

Next, my combined shower/bachelorette party. Couldn't ask for a better time. Good people, good food, good fun. We started out at my mom's for the "shower" portion of the evening, then on to the Third Degree Glass Factory (actually, my lady-of-honor and I had been planning my party for months around a glass-blowing demo that they do every third Friday of the month). From there, to a tapas restaurant on the Loop called Mirasol. Mmm-mm! Honestly, if I had to do it over, I wouldn't change a thing - not the friends and family that were there, not what we did, not where we went. Absolutely perfect.

Ooof! Well, on to the next thing: A shower thrown by Brian's family for both of us. It was great - we all got together (I thought the purpose was a Labor Day get-together) and were just hanging out when they started bringing out this massive amount of swag. Serious giftage. Very warm, very welcoming, very kind. Really a nice time, with or without the gifts. It was really sweet that they all got together just for us - some of them even drove a certain amount of time to "come in to St. Louis" for us. I like Brian's family.

That brings us to: The civil ceremony in the park. My mother-in-law had this stone made for us, commemorating that day. She's one of those rare finds - a person who is very Catholic yet not judgmental at all. At least, if she is, she hides it well. She's been very supportive of Brian and me from the beginning. I really lucked out. Not having had a chance to blog while a lot of this is going on, I thought I'd pluck out some text from a couple of emails I sent on the subject of our civil ceremony.

This first is actually almost the entire email that I sent to my then-future mother- and sisters-in-law, sent on August 10th.

Ladies,

By now, you've heard of our decision to have two
separate ceremonies.  I hope this hasn't caused a
great deal of confusion.  As one or more of you may
know, weddings are two-fold in countries where there
is separation of the church and state? Including
Mexico? Since my family is familiar with this practice, it
hasn't been of any great significance to them to hear
that we're doing this, just an added event if you
will, but I am not sure how familiar you all are with
these traditions so I wanted to double-check with you.

Well, the wedding plans had gotten to the point that I
was pretty upset that I was not getting a wedding that
was at all my concept - I wanted a small wedding in a
park, and it's going to be a big wedding in a church.
So upset, in fact, that I was crying and losing sleep.
I just didn't want to look back at my wedding and not
have any memories that felt like I got to do more than
pick the matches and vote on the color of the ribbons,
you know?  Once, a couple of months ago when we were
talking about the flowers, M. told me that since
it was my wedding it should be what I wanted, and I
just smiled to myself because the plans are so
different from what I had conceived in terms of my
wedding day. 

That is not to say that I am unhappy with our
arrangements - had I wanted a big wedding in a church,
these are exactly the choices that I would have made.
Brian and I have worked very hard to come up with a
ceremony and event that would please us both, and
hopefully our guests, too.

So we're going to have a judge wedding, just like in
Mexico, France, and other countries - very small and
intimate. An example of someone famous doing this
recently is Eva Longoria - I'm not very familiar with
her, but when I was explaining this to a friend, he
mentioned that Eva Longoria had just had two wedding
ceremonies in France, I believe, due to the separation
of church and state.

We're shooting for the weekend of September 22nd. I've
stopped by several times to ask a judge friend of
mine, but I've just missed him and then he's been out
of the office in a conference this week, so I haven't
been able to confirm it. There are other judge friends
or also general weddings at the courthouse offered on
specific dates, but he is my first choice.  I expect
him to be back from the conference on Monday and so
will try to stop by then. The actual date will depend
on the judge's schedule.

This will not change the events of October 13th in any
way (Catholic wedding + reception), it just adds the
element of a civil ceremony a couple of weeks before.
Then, I get what I want out of a wedding, Brian gets
his big family event, my mom is happier that there is
a Catholic wedding, the groom's family gets the
rehearsal dinner, and it all works out - just like a
big family event should. 

Of course, both days will be significant to us (the
September judge date and the Catholic wedding date) -
but, hey, we already celebrate each monthiversary, so
it's not like having more dates to celebrate is
something we don't relish.

J., Brian said you'd ordered something. The gift
that you ordered with the October date is absolutely
fine - we will, I'm sure, celebrate both dates.

I hope this helps you understand what's going on;
email nuance can be tricky, so I hope nothing came
across poorly in the email. And I hope that if you all
still have questions, that you'll let me know and
we'll try to clarify it further. 

The schedule would be this:

1) Judge ceremony (they tend to be very short)
2) Meal at my mom's (an at-home wedding, just like my
sisters'!). She's fine with this, but at most, it
would be a meal at a nice restaurant.

We'd like it to be at around 4:30 p.m. or so, so that
it's dinner, but if the judge prefers it, it'll be in
the morning and then a brunch or a lunch...

Lastly, it would be a small event, perhaps 30 people.
Really, just my mom, my sister, Brian's mom and
sisters, and then our immediate circle of friends.

Having made this decision makes me feel soooo much
better. Brian and I found a way to work out what he
needs/wants, and what I need/want.  Otherwise, one of
us was always going to be unhappy - either he wasn't
going to get the big family event that he wanted or I
wasn't going to get the small, intimate event that I
wanted, and there's no way to really mesh the two
(either it's big OR it's small). He was upset that I
wasn't happy, and I wasn't willing to force him to
have something that HE didn't envision (whenever he
had thought of getting married, the whole family was
there).  So this works for us and that means
everything.

That's it, in a nutshell. Well, it's not much of a
nutshell, since this is a pretty long email. But as I
said, let me know if this doesn't clarify anything or
you just need more info or whatever.

Regards,

Alex

And here, a long excerpt from an email sent to friends just on September 19th:

Hmmm... I paused our conversation (at least, my side
of it) to reflect on what I next wanted to say.

I would imagine that every thinking couple's process
to the day of the wedding is unique. For us, it was a
faith journey.  Having decided to get married, the
very first step we took was to reserve the church
(Pius). As cradle Catholics, we both assumed a
Catholic wedding. Over the next few weeks, we started
talking about that and wondering if we had been
correct to assume that - Brian was agnostic and I was
essentially non-practicing since the priest at my
former parish was removed due to past sexual abuse
history (nothing from that experience increased my
faith or trust of the institution). We hadn't started
pre-cana or anything, but met with a priest to discuss
this. We visited a number of parishes , including
Pius, and an episcopalian parish.

By a clerical fluke, we were registered at Pius (it's
something Catholics do - you sign up at your parish)
and we could have stayed there; our process goes on
for longer than this but suffice to say we developed a
relationship with my former parish - all that had
attracted me previously was still there and the yucky
priest was gone, replaced by a great one who handled
our Catholic marriage prep (Gerry Kleba).  I, frankly,
would also have been happy at Pius, maybe a little
happier because it didn't have the negative history of
the other parish, but Brian was more comfortable at
Cronan's, and I wanted us to build a relationship
somewhere together, as a couple. [I am happy at Cronan's];
formally withdrawing from Pius and
registering at Cronan's means paying $500 vs. $100 for
the church fee, but the other option would have been
to take advantage of the parish secretary's clerical
mistake in registering us and pretending to be Pius
parishioners, and that's just not the kind of thing I
do.

As we were going through our Catholic marriage prep,
we saw the emphasis was on the sacrament and not the
marriage - an interesting split. Meaning, the prep
focused on how the Church defines marriage but it
wasn't doing anything to answer real-life questions as
much. So we met 2-3 times with a guy that does
marriage counseling. He was impressed; most couples
(whether engaged or married) only see him once there's
a problem, so he thought it was pretty nifty that we
wanted to get a better handle on what it's actually
going to take.  We benefited greatly from his 27 years
of what sounds like a pretty happy marriage.  That's
the other thing - Brian and I don't want to just log
years, we want them to be HAPPY years. But hey, who
doesn't, right??    ;-)

It was a lot more time and a lot more money, but
having talked about it, thought about the topics given
to us by the priest, the Catholic class, and this
counselor, we're sure that we're on the same page
about the commitment we're making to each other.

The other big thing for us was the size of the event -
because my dad died, I've never wanted a big, formal
wedding; never really wanted to walk down the aisle,
etc. It just highlights in my mind that my dad is
missing. But Brian's family is really big, so a small,
intimate gathering was out of the question.

I thought I could live with it and there were several
steps here that I'll spare you of, but suffice to say
here that, as time wore on, I became increasingly
unhappy. I was surprised at how unhappy I was, but it
felt like I was planning a wedding for someone else,
not me. I had no desire to look back on my wedding and
think, "I don't know whose this wedding was, but it
wasn't mine."

BTW, Brian offered several times to make it a small
wedding (meaning, not invite most of his extended
family) because he knew how unhappy I was but that
would have meant just shifting the unhappiness to him.
I didn't want him to be unhappy any more than he
wanted me unhappy.

One day, Brian and I were talking about how family had
gotten involved and I told him that if our marriage
was like our wedding, that there was no space for me
beyond the matches and ribbon color, that I was
concerned for our relationship.  Something every new
couple has to do is figure out how they are going to
interact with their family and friends, and we had
managed to keep everyone happy but me, and I'm one
half of this equation. But it's an either/or
proposition: Either you have 30-40 people OR you have
140.

Then a light went on, and I remember that in countries
that have true separation of church and state, two
weddings are required because one entity will not
recognize the other's legal authority to act on its
citizens/parishioners. This means, one has a civil
ceremony as well as a church ceremony, wholly
independent of each other. I don't know how it is in
France and other such countries, but in Mexico the
emphasis is on the church wedding. The civil wedding
is small, has your witnesses, maybe your parents,
maybe your siblings, maybe your absolute immediate
circle of friends. Maybe a nice dinner afterward,
nothing big or flashy - that's for the church
ceremony.

I don't know that I've ever been so grateful for being
a child of blended heritage. Over the years, having a
germanic and hispanic blend in me has at times been
uplifting, at times a hindrance.  But here, it
presented an option that would make BOTH of us happy.

Importantly, Brian rolled with it. Not being familiar
with hispanic culture, he could have balked, asked
questions in a doubting or derisive way (as opposed to
with genuine interest, for example), or whatever.
Nope. Not my guy. He was just happy we were taking the
road less traveled (at least, less traveled here in
the US), and let me tell you, it has made all the
difference...

So I think that brings us all the way up to the civil ceremony a couple of days ago, which will be the subject of a separate blog entry. Of course, all of these events have been intermingled with ribbons, installments to the wedding vendors, decisions, contract negotiations, fittings for the dress, replacing IDs and stuff from my stolen purse (see previous entry), etc., etc., etc. Good. Crazy, but good.

Honestly? Just too busy living life to blog about it

2007-09-18T18:03:00.000-05:00

If I had time, I'd post the picture we took of the stone Brian's mom gave us that we have right in front that says "And they lived happily ever after. Brian & Alex 9/22/07." If I had time, I'd explain that we're having both a civil ceremony and a church wedding, à la country-that-has-true-separation-of-church-and-state such as Mexico and France, to honor both of our needs as well as our blended cultural heritages. If I had time, I'd talk more about the awesome marriage prep we ended up getting - we did the Catholic thing and met with a guy that does marriage counseling - so we really feel we're on the same page about the commitment we're making to each other. Lots more time, lots more money, but well, well worth it.

Never mind our time and energy - after all, we're the ones getting married - we SHOULD spend time on the wedding. But if I had more time now, I'd talk about all of the time and energy our friends and family are putting in to the wedding - showers, organizing, finding their outfits, helping us out, traveling from quite far to be at the wedding. It's awesome. I'd talk about how welcome Brian's family has made me feel.

I'd talk about the stressful side, too - the fact that we can't get our reception place to nail down the contract. Yes, my profession makes me want to be very clear, but you really should be clear about things, and it's not that hard to do, so why all the hold ups? I'd talk about how devastating it has been to get my purse stolen on Sunday, with everything in it that's normally in it plus stuff like my receipt for the dress that's at the tailor's right now and the receipt for my nephew's suit that needed tailoring after we bought it and I had both in my purse because I didn't want to lose them, how I can't buy groceries now at Schnuck's with checks as I normally do because I had to block my own account for fear that they'd use a check and it would take days for Schnuck's to figure out that it was one of the checks I had stopped payment on as the check bounced backed and forth between the store and the bank, or how awful it was to stay up that first night, afraid because they had my IDs and keys and everything else and knowing we'd already changed the locks (God bless the friend that came over and started working on that while we were still at Lowe's with the police and on hold with Sprint to figure out if we could use the locator function to see where the cell phone and thus the thieves were).

I'd talk about how, in a few short days, I will be married in the eyes of the law if not the Church. And how, as of a couple of weeks later, I will be married in the eyes of the Church as well. My goodness, I don't know how that is even going to feel. I'd talk of our plans to wait a short while before getting started on a family, so that we can get used to and enjoy each other a little first. I'd talk about how scared I am but how excited I am for the future.

But I don't have time to say all of that, more than just list it out as I've done here. Wish me luck!

Stumbled across this on the web...

2007-08-12T02:00:00.001-05:00

And I just thought it was beautiful...and it echoes my sentiments for Alex:

If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you.

I love you, babe!

Tuxes and cake and Pooh! Oh, my!

2007-06-30T18:48:00.000-05:00

Wow, have we been busy...

(Dude, we're all busy...what have you been up to?)
All right...all right...let me tell you...

If it's not helping to paint Alex's nephew's room or working in the garden, it's been fixing up our bikes or working on the wedding. We figure we've been doing about 5-10+ hours of wedding stuff a week and we've both expressed the sentiment that "Boy, it'll be nice when it's over!" Not that working on the wedding is bad, but we'd love to have that kind of time back.

Picture this: It's about 1PM on a Sunday, and we're driving to Best Buy, 'cause I need a new drive for my computer. We get the drive, and notice Men's Warehouse is right next door. They were my initial choice for tuxedos, so Alex and I went in, talked with the people there and looked over styles. Afterwards, we said "Hey, we should check out a couple of other places while we're at it..." So Sunday turned into Tuxedoday. We ran to Savvi Formalwear out in Crestwood and talked a lot with the people there, tried jackets and vests on dummies (yes, including me! LOL) and spent about two hours there asking questions. We were pretty happy there, but thought we'd check out After Hours Formalwear in the same mall. We weren't really thrilled there, so we decided on Savvi. By that time it was about 530PM or so, so most of Sunday was gone. BTW, the tux shown is pretty close to the one I'm getting, although the vest and tie will be in our wedding color of Celedon Green.

Ah, yes...then there's cake. Let me tell you how jazzed I am for cake. The last few weeks at work, we've had a few lunches for co-workers (leaving, anniversaries, etc.) Whenever I'm asked if I'm going to be there, the first words out of my mouth are "will there be cake?" (Really, I would go to them regardless, but still...cake is good.)
We went to McArthur's bakery to talk to the Wedding Coordinator about cake for our wedding. We got to look through multiple styles and got to try several cake flavours and fillings (mmmm...raspberry. mmmm...white buttercream mousse.) While the cake was pretty tasty and the fillings were really good...I hate to say we've become jaded on cake.
We have gotten hooked on this show on Food Network called Ace of Cakes, and looking at all the wedding cakes that Duff makes versus what McAruthur's makes...well...
Don't get me wrong...McArthur's makes very beautiful wedding cakes...but they all look like...well...like wedding cakes. Hopefully, McArthur's (or someone else) can make us a cake that will look non-traditional and still be amazingly tasty. (And no, we can't get a cake from Charm City...the cake and transportation fee would cost more than the reception!)
(BTW, Left pic is from McArthur's and the right one is from Ace of Cakes. And yes, that is Wrigley Field!)

We also went shopping at Target. For us, shopping at Target can get insane...we go in for one thing and walk out with $200.00 of stuff...not including the one thing we came for.
We both want kids. I think Alex would make a spectacular mom. When we were at Target we walked past the baby asile and saw the cutest Classic Winnie the Pooh stuffed animal. Well, we ended up getting it...even though Alex isn't even pregnant...oh, and the Eyore doll too...and a couple other pooh things for babies...As our friend Mary would say, "We've got some pooh in our shopping cart." :)
We figure we want our kid(s) to have Classic (read: not the Disney) Pooh...(See previous post "Itty Bitty Binky Pooh") and we will have kids after we're married...and if we need to, we can always give them as baby shower gifts. Also, we've gone to Target a couple of times before and not gotten something and it wasn't there later. But I must say, the Pooh stuff is cool and I would love to have our child have it...and it's kinda cool we've gotten it already... :)

Anyway, that's just a little of what's going on with us, recently...

Oh, the details are many...

2007-06-03T09:10:00.000-05:00

...but they are all coming together, slowly but surely. Yesterday evening we attended to a wee wedding detail. We asked the daughter of a friend of ours to be our flower girl - I mean, blossom fairy. That completes the wedding party proper, but for one last person: My cousin, much older than I am because of the ages of our parents. I have to go over to my mom's to look up his number in the kitchen rolodex because she's out of town, so I can't just call her to get it.

Since my dad is not here to walk me down the aisle, I've asked three people to step in. It may seem a bit excessive, but I have to fight back sadness, if not actual tears, every time I think about the fact that my dad is not here to walk me down the aisle. I actually discussed arriving before the guests and just greeting them from the front with Brian... In the end, there are two men that I think of when I think of my dad, his peeps as it were, and I've asked them to represent. They'll walk me down halfway, to where Pius has a break in the pews (would be the transept, if Pius were a basilica), where my cousin (blood) will walk me down the rest of the way.

And now we have the wee one, who will be leading the way. According to some random site I googled, starting with the Middle Ages, flower girls were assigned a special job - to walk down the wedding aisle ahead of the bride and groom and spread grain (not flowers) in order to pave the way for a new beginnings, fertility and happiness in the marriage.

Whatever the roots of the tradition, it is so nice that we'll be surrounded by people we truly care about. In fact, it's pretty blinkin' awesome. We hadn't thought to have a blossom fairy in the beginning, but it works out well , and, besides, it was fun to ask. We took her flowers in the colors that she'll use (white, with spring green), and gave her a Save-The-Date card with ribbons in the wedding color on the back and a printout of the dress that the Ladies of Honor will be wearing, in case mom would like to model the blossom fairy dress off of that (we're not calling them bridesmaids). She seemed pretty pleased, and ran off to swing on the new swingset that had gotten assembled that day and explain to her little sister that she was going to be in a wedding. After all, being in a wedding can only compete with a new swingset for so long. :-) Anywho, I'm not sure the near-3-yr-old grasped the significance of what her big sister was trying to communicate to her, but it was really cute from the adult observational perspective.

We're spending obviously a lot, lot, lot of time ironing out the details. It's been frustrating and even stressful at times, but now, after months of working on things, now that I can start to visualize what it'll look like (at least, what I'm hoping it'll look like), now it's starting to feel like the time and effort and attention to detail are really more like us weaving a tapestry of events and details and ritual to commemorate the commitment we're making to each other. The Harper online etymology dictionary says that in Old English, the word was weddung or the "state of being wed". The word's meaning of a "ceremony of marriage" is recorded from c.1300; the usual O.E. word for the ceremony was bridelope, literally "bridal run," in reference to conducting the bride to her new home.

Interestingly, wedding cake is recorded from 1648, and the verb "wed" stems from the Old English weddian "to pledge, covenant to do something, marry," from P.Gmc. Aditional etymological history is: wadjojanan (cf. O.N. veðja "to bet, wager," O.Fris. weddia "to promise," Goth. ga-wadjon "to betroth"), from PIE base *wadh- "to pledge, to redeem a pledge" (cf. L. vas, gen. vadis "bail, security," Lith. vaduoti "to redeem a pledge"). The sense remained "pledge" in other Germanic languages (cf. German Wette "bet, wager"); the development to "marry" is unique to English.

Anywho, back to the blossom fairy's halo, the measurements of the aisle runner, the menu and beverage selection... All chosen with meaning, carefully selected, with hope and joy and anticipation.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

2007-05-20T07:15:00.000-05:00

So Brian and I have gone to Boston by plane, and Kentucky by automobile. We had planned to go to Chicago by train, but were dropped off at the train station only to find out that due to some delays, it would be 8 hours before we got to Chicago. We called a friend to pick us up and take us back to our house - even though we lost an hour with the whole fruitless train station thing, we still got to Chicago about 2 hrs before the train did.

Once there, we went to Navy Pier and sailed on a boat. Beautiful weather, although not very windy. The picture on the left is of a little bitty duck - so cuuuute!! - that swam by while we were docking with his (or her) momma and multiple siblings.
Then, making our way to the Chase Auditorium where we were going to watch the taping of "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me," a show from NPR that is not live when it is aired, we stopped to eat at a Japanese restaurant and my sister caught up with us after work. Incredibly fresh and tasty sushi. Then, off to the NPR show.

Friday, we went out for breakfast to Ann Sather, in Andersonville. A little disappointing, as the former owner, Debbie, has re-sold the restaurant to her brother. It's all in the family, but it's not the same - he took down some of the wall decorations that made the place unique, as she had traveled a lot and brought things back for the restaurant; he changed the menu, did away with the frequent flyer card system... Sometimes I wonder if I'm bothered just because something has changed, but in this case, the change itself isn't the issue, it's what the new owner's decisions have done - they've removed some of the character, made it a more generic atmosphere, more just a plain diner, and that's reflected in the food as well. But still good diner food.

From there, to meet with a shaman, a Blackfoot elder, for a cleansing and blessing, in preparation for our marriage. Awesome, but intense. Intense, but awesome. And a beautiful expression of my/our faith.

Back to my sister's condo to rest, and in the evening, Looptopia, with establishments all along the Loop open all night, even museums and cultural centers. Crazy people (from a provincial perspective such as mine), dressed in leotards, staging abstract theatre pieces. Enlightening. Mind-opening. Cool.

On Saturday, a long walk on the lake with my sister. Talk about the sick man that persists in stalking her. Surprise, pleasure, and pride at her continued strength. And, as always, being impressed with who she is and the cool things she does.

To Ed Debevic's for lunch with her, then another awesome boat ride, this time an architectural tour of Chicago via the river. Fascinating.

Then, a White Sox game at Comiskey Park. Yes, it's still Comiskey Park for me, not U.S. Cellular Field. Could they come up with a drabber name? One with less character? Why not leave it Comiskey Park, and just put U.S. Cellular signs up all over? Which they do, anyway?? The game - cold weather but good ball.

Sunday, relaxing and then leaving to get home at a decent time. Hard to leave my sister with el Sicko-Man Freakazoid around (he really just needs to get medicated or move somewhere far, far away), but knowing I'll see her in a few days for graduation weekend makes it easier.

The best part of it all? Another good trip with Brian. Still second to that glorious trip to Kentucky, but a close second. I love that Brian and I just have fun together. Just plain have fun.

_____________________________________________________________

Now, about this awesome list in the previous entry. What do you say when somebody just blows you away with their love, their kindness, of a kind you've never experienced before? Maybe just that I love you, Brian. I love you, too.

How do I love thee...?

2007-05-17T21:25:00.000-05:00

Elizabeth Barrett Browning once wrote: "How do I Love Thee, Let Me Count the Ways…"
Alex, in honour of our one-year anniversary, I am expanding on that theme…I've compiled a list of 366 reasons I love you…one for every day we've been together and more...
Happy Anniversary, my darling…all my love, now and forever…

The way we gently argue about if our first date was May 9th or May 12th…
The way that the next day I couldn't stop thinking about you all day…
Being so excited for our next date tomorrow…
How wonderful our date at Ari's was…and how it's "our" place…
Your tenaciousness in e-mailing me before we ever met…
Our two-hour phone conversations when we didn't live together…
Our two-hour phone conversations on days when we went out already…
Realizing pretty quickly that this relationship was something special…
Hearing you describe your date with the Bush voter…
Having you call me first thing in the morning when I lived by myself, so you would be the first person I would hear in the day…
Talking to you late into the night when I lived by myself, so you would be the last person I talked to in the evening…
How much you loved my apartment…
Wanting so much to introduce you to my family and friends…
Fixing the sound on your laptop by finding the volume button…
That we've started a blog about our relationship…
Being a hopeless romantic over you…
Holding on to old movie ticket stubs from movies we went to…
How one of the first things you told your co-workers about me was that I have the Constitution on my wall…
Buying a toothbrush for you to keep over at my place…
Missing you so much, so soon when you went to San Franscisco…
Stopping in the middle of doing dishes with you to dance with you…
Watching the "Othello Rap" with me from my Reduced Shakespeare DVD over and over…
How we work through our problems…
Saying "I love you" that first time…
The fact you don't mind that I own so many comics…
Going with you to see Julius Caesar in the park…
How when you get a little annoyed with me you make indecipherable sounds and then hiss…
You drawing our Shakespeare in the park date and giving the art to me…
That a lot of my minuses are your plusses and a lot of your minuses are my plusses…
Retreating to the air-conditioned bedroom with you to stay cool…
That you are everything I could ever want in a girlfirend…fiancee…wife…
That we count our month-a-versaries…
Chomping on popcorn with you as we watch a movie together…
The way you move when you dance…
Hanging all the pictures on our picture wall…
How you taught me how "grounding" water can be…
The way you say "you can shove your logic up your ass!" when I make a good point in a disagreement…
The cute baby voice you sometimes use when we're talking sweetly to each other…
Holding you tight…
Sitting in the brown comfy chair reading comics while you're reading on the couch…
Being nervous when I met your mom and sisters….
Doing a "salad week" to help shed some pounds and cleanse our systems…
How quickly you fall asleep…
Buying you a Wonder Woman comic book, 'cause you said you liked Wonder Woman…
Our first purchase together for our house…the firepit…
Hearing the noisemaker as we fall asleep…
Taking a walk through Tower Grove with you…
Making plans with you on where we'd like to travel in our future…
When my pager goes off and I see the message is from you…
Sending a text message to the Busch Stadium message board during a game, which read "Alex, I love you! <3>
Holding you when you're sad or scared…
Going to the Chinese buffet with you…
Thinking about different ways to make you happy…
Going hiking with you and my friends to Garden of the Gods…
That we've exchanged keys to our places…
Going to sleep in your arms…
Talking about the day's events in the car back and forth…
How good you look in your glasses…
How much you wrapping your arms around me makes me feel safe…
Waiting for you at my office door for you to pick me up…
Buying a claddaugh ring for you, showing my love, friendship and loyalty…
How well we mesh with each other…
"Our Song"…and that we got it by singing "You're Just Too Good to be True" to each other…
When I say something sexy and you respond with that "aw-haw-haw," like a bad French movie…
How much you care for the environment…
That you're introducing me to shamanism…
Going down to the Royale with you to listen to Rob DJ and have a pint…
That you got to meet my dad before he passed…
Walking the dogs with you…
Retreating to your place when the power was out all over the city…
That little pouty face you put on when I do something a little annoying…
Buying you lingere secretly when you were in the dressing room trying on clothes…
How I know neither one of us is perfect…we're perfect for each other…
That you make me feel sexy…
Planning with you and then having our big barbecue…
Cancelling out my Yahoo! Personals service…'cause I wouldn't need it again…
Buying some boxers for me so I will look better to you when we go to Kentucky…
"Our Other Song"…and that we got it by singing "Sea of Love" to each other….
Wandering around Lowe's or Home Depot to find items to help fix up the house…
Relaxing on the Bell of Louisville, riding down the river with you…
That you found the best B&B on a whim and our time there just relaxing…
Holding your hand as we walked around the storied stables of Chruchill Downs…
Learning how to bet at the track with you…
Holding you close and swaying to the music…
How even when when we get grouchy with each other…it doesn't last too long…
Every single day I love you more than the day before…
The fact that you know four languages…
That little noise you make when I nuzzle your neck and tickle you…
When you roll around on the ground with the dogs playing with them…
Going to mass at St. Mark's Episcopal with you…
That making you happy makes me happy…
The picture of you as a girl in the leaves…
Coming up with romantic gifts for you on our month-a-versaries…
The fact that you were the woman that I dated the longest…
How you asked if you wanted to come with me to your work conference in Boston…
Throwing my arm over you when we sleep…
How when you sing, you sing wholeheartedly and with your whole being…even if you do get the words wrong…:)
Seeing you wear my tie to your office for work…
Cooking salmon en pappilotte for us…
Wanting every trip we take from now on to be like our Kentucky trip…
The look on your face when you wrap your arms around my neck and hug me…
Hanging out with your co-workers…
Walking down the street with you, hand in hand…
How amazing you are at home repair…
You helping me move, little by little, my things out from my apartment…
Going with you to the Fox to see Les Miserables…
Discovering new restaurants with you…
How you were there with me when my dad passed…
Dining with you by candlelight…
That you snuggle up to me to keep warm…
How you stood by me at my dad's wake and funeral…
That you were there for me after the funeral…and every day after that…
The way you interact with your dogs…
Us doing housework together…
How excited you get when I send you flowers to work…
Watching you light up when you smile…
That you like watching action movies…
That you're as liberal politically as I am…and maybe more…
Picking you up at your office after the workday…
Reserving the Morgan Street Brewery for our wedding reception…
That any bad mood I'm in will almost certainly go away after a hug from you…
How we've always planned for being together for 50 years…and thenwe'll re-evaluate…
That you introduced me to Soulard Market…
The way your face lights up when you smile…
How you and I want to get into better shape…
Coming up with different little projects we've got in mind for fixing up the house…
The smell of your hand cream…
The pleasure you get from checking my pimples…
Watching you do yoga in the morning…
Introducing you to Firefly…
Dressing up and going with you to the Symphony…
Going with you to your office on the weekend, 'cause when no one's there, it's "creepy…"
Me kissing you in the morning quietly to not wake you up when I leave for work before you…
Serenading you…
The first several times we went over to a friend's house, we were accidentally wearing very similar outfits…
Touching you…
Sitting outside by the firepit with you…hand in hand…in those crappy cheap chairs…
Going with you to Kevin and Laura's wedding…
When you tell me how creative I am…
Sitting next to you in new Busch Stadium for our first baseball game together…
Buying you your pink baseball bat at the game…
That you get freezing cold when it's 75 degrees…
You wanted to hang my DaVinci in the living room…
Having your hand slip into mine as we're driving somewhere…
Introducing me to your father at Jefferson Barricks…
Going to St. Mark's with Galahad and Gwenevyre for the Blessing of the Pets…
Introducing you to Lost…and you marathon watching two seasons in four days…
That I can confide in you about anything…
How much you love it when I do the dishes in my shirt and tie from work…
Buying Hallowe'en stuff with you to decorate the house with…
How you've made space for me in your life and your house…
You shared your "power circle" in Tower Grove with me…
The coy way you say "I will neither confirm nor deny that" when you know I'm right…
The fact you got me a tie for our sixth-month-a-versary…from the USS Constitution no less…
That you absolutely loved the pen I got you…
That you really have a thing for pens…
Going to the movies with you and Ben and Teresa and Josh…
Deciding on a whim at last minute to go for dinner at the diner…
That we want to take dancing lessons together…
How we talk out problems and fix the situation before they get out of control…
When you talk about me to your co-workers…
That we try and buy organic…for both health and taste…
Going to sleep with you next to me and Galahad and Gwenevyre in the bed next to us…
Drawing a hot bath for you…
Having a poker night at the dining room table at "your" place…
How we decided early on to give to the American Veterans Association instead of giving cheap wedding favors…
Going over to your boss's house with you for barbecue and football…
Roasting marshmallows over the firepit…'just cause…
Us washing dishes together….
You kissing me in the morning when you leave early for work and I'm still in bed…
Walking the Freedom Trail with you, even though my feet hurt like hell…
Being the only ones in our Ghouls and Gravestones tour group excited that the Cardinals won the World Series...
Holding on to you in the chilly rain and hearing "No coat, no umbrella…no comment…"
Having you next to me on the plane ride home…even if I was grouchy…
Hearing you say the phrase "lovin' yooooooouu…"
Making pappilotte 3-ways for us…
Running to Target with you for nothing in particular…
"Commuting" with you to work in the morning…
That you make me feel special…
Hearing you explain legal points to me, even when I don't understand them…
That you want Bob to stay out in full view…
When you hug me from behind when I'm sitting at the computer…
Staying up late with you watching Election Night returns…
Realizing how I never ever want to take you for granted…
Slowly merging our two houses together to make one…
Setting up my cell phone so it plays "You're Just Too Good to Be True" whenever you call…
Hearing that specific ring on my cell phone…
You wanted to hang my NASA patch collection…
You calling me "daddy" in front of the dogs…
Hearing you in the shower while I'm still in bed…
How we've talked about going to Mexico to visit your old home…
The slight lisp you have on occasion…
Celebrating with you when you win an appeal…
Setting up a joint checking account with you…
Us going grocery shopping together…
That you don't mind when I cry…
Dressing up and going with you to the Fox Theatre to see Spamalot…
That you call me "beautiful"…
Doing both of our families houses for Thanksgiving…
Looking at our blog and finding a new entry from you…
Cooking breakfast for you…
Rushing to meet you with a kiss when you walk in the front door…
Going with you to pick out wedding rings…a pretty scary experience, but wonderful…
Having you help me choose my ring…
How cute it is when you say the word "no"…
How fast we run out of milk…
Waking up in your arms…
Coming up with the words to engrave inside our wedding rings..
Us doing yardwork outside together…
The way you say "wooooo" when you're excited about something…
How we talk about raising a family…
That we want to take photography lessons together…
That you were with me on my birthday…
Sneaking back to Robinson's jewlers to pick up the wedding rings…so you wouldn't know…
Telling my mom that our relationship was "very serious…" just a month or so before we annouced our engagement…
When you hold me when I'm sad…
How you want to make sure that I still spend time with my friends…
Knowing that no power in the 'verse can ever stop us…
Having "your place" slowly become "our place"…
How insistant you were about not seeing your wedding dress when it was shipped to my work…
Being invited and going to your work Holiday party…
That I was with you on your birthday…
Cooking and baking the whole day with you…
How you obsess (just a little) over your mushie pillows…
Our Kentucky scrapbook…
Wanting our wedding plans to be "not the same as every other wedding…"
Working with you on the Nacimento at your mom's house…
How you cried when you opened your Christmas present to you…a flock of ducks to a family in a poor country…
That you like watching science fiction movies…
Doing the whole circuit of my family and your family for Christmas…
Having your mushie pillow with me on Christmas Day…
The smell of your perfume on said pillow…
How you help me pick out my tie to wear in the morning…
That you originally wanted a Batman and Wonder Woman wedding cake topper…
That you gave me a room of my own in our house…
Saying "our" house…
Kissing you at midnight on New Year's Eve…
Starting the New Year right…right next to you…
You taking pictures of us in silly poses and then putting them into a collage…
That you like me to be near you when you're on the computer…even if I'm just reading comics in the chair next to you…
That we have matching t-shirts…yours saying "I ♥ my geek" and mine just saying "geek"…
How you care for me when I'm sick…
Us going to the Wedding Show downtown together…
That little things that you used to annoy me with, I now find cute…
Making plans with you to fix up the house…
That we got engaged officially because I couldn't wait…
Mentioning off-handedly at work for the first time that "oh, well my fiancee said…"
Going to Café Balaban for a nice desert between telling our Moms that we're engaged…
Going to the Beall Mansion with you, our first trip together as finacees…
Curling up in your arms during the ice storm in Alton…
The pictures you took of the wedding ring at the Beall Mansion…
How working on the wedding plans has made me re-examine my faith…
Putting my hand over yours and feeling your engagement ring in my palm…
Frolicking in the snow with you…
When you caress my body…
Coming home to you and talking about our days…
When you massage my accupressure points…
How you totally hooked me on Ace of Cakes…
Even though it annoys me…I love hearing you say over and over again "Oh, Bri-an!"…
That being with you makes me want to be a better fiancee…
How you took the pictures of me and my sisters to your office…
When you wear my tshirts to bed…
Cooking scallops three ways and flash fried spinach for us…
Doing my last bit of moving with you…
Sending you flowers for no real reason other than I love you…
When you notice my body spray…
The moans of pleasure you make when I massage your back or feet…
That I live with you…
That you are the first woman I've lived with…
Receiving the first piece of mail addressed to us…
Having a lazy day and doing a whole lot of nothing…but doing it with you…
Going over to Carie's place with you to watch the Super Bowl…
The way you say "How you doin'" on the phone…
That we're getting our passports together…
that you mentioned you want me to teach you how to play poker…
Hearing you sing "Goin' to the chap-el and we're…gonna get ma-a-a-rried!"…
Working with you on the calla lily graphic in Paint Shop…
Standing in the cold with you, watching history in the making at Barak Obama's annoucement for President…
Going out to breakfast with you…
Going with you to your mom's for Monday night dinner…
Picking out the right flowers for you for Valentine's day…9 red roses, one for each month we've been together…and one calla lilly, for our future…
Our first Valentine's Day together…
Coming home to you after a long business trip…
Kissing you in the shower…through the vinyl curtain…
When you asked me to look at something in the bedroom so you could steal the computer chair…
Hearing from you during the day at work…
That we've talked a little on the meaning of names and what to name our child…
Us painting the TV room together…
How when you're really laughing hard, it's so hard for you to stop…
That both you and I love to use chopsticks when eating Chinese food…
How we want to tie tin cans to the back of our car at the wedding…
How you wanted to hang the Kennedy portriat in the living room…
Watching the Academy Awards with you…
How your face lit up when I wrote you a poem…
Deciding to go retro and go to Niagara Falls for our honeymoon…
Going out with you and your friends as a group…
Going out with you and my friends as a group…
Putting up pictures of our family…
Trying on my wedding ring…
Tending to you when you get sick for the whole weekend…
Knowing that even when I mess up, I know you'll still be there with me…
Meeing you briefly in the middle of the work day to give you something…
Going out with our moms to Kobe of Japan…
Working on projects with you…even if we do get crabby on occasion…
The Mexican coin you gave me for our month-a-versary…
That we're abstaining…granted it's hard, but it will make our wedding night so much more special…
That even when we fight, which isn't often at all, we fight fairly…no name calling…
Talking about the serious subjects…even when it's hard for me…
Driving you to and picking you up from class…
You coming over to my mom's with me for Wednesday night dinner…
Hanging the countdown clock for the wedding in the kitchen…
Buying our first item for our child we don't even have yet…an itty-bitty-binky-pooh…
Coming home to find you bought me flowers…
That you're not only my fiancee, but my best friend…
You and I leaving for work at the same time…
Hearing from you that you knew almost right away that I was the one…
Sending you flowers for our "first" first day of spring…
Having Teresa spend the night…it makes me feel kind of like we're already parents…
Having you be excited for me when I get recognized for achievements at work…
Making up with you after we argue…
Grilling pork steaks for our dinner…
How much it affected you when I said I would rather live in a cardboard box on the street than without you…
Us collapsing into the bed or couch after we've worked hard for a few hours…
Dining with you on the front porch…
When you 'discovered' how cool TiVo was…
How when I look at you I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you…
You making me a surprise breakfast in bed…
Going to mass at St. Cronan's with you...
Eating dinner with you outside by the firepit while listening to the ballgame…
Calling each other in the middle of the day to make sure we either voted or are going to vote…
Finding new TV shows to watch together, like Notes from the Underbelly…
That I fall in love with you every day…
How you have asked me, more than once, if there's anything you can do to be a better girlfriend…
Decorating Easter Eggs for the first time ever with you…
Doing the family circuit for Easter…
The cake you made at your mom's house for Easter…
Finding just he right thing for the wedding on a whim…like a photo album or the invitations…
That I'll have three more sisters when we get married…
How you laugh at us when Galahad or Gweveyre licks my face…
What a wonderful a mommy you're going to make when we have kids…
Wanting to take wedding pictures at South City Diner…
The sound of contentment you make once you get warm under a blanket…
Goint to the Cardinal game as a work function for me, even if we did lose to the Pirates…
Wanting you to come out to Rock Eddy…just the two of us…
How you want to hang the picture of me potty training in the bathroom…
That I'm looking forward to you kicking my butt in Scrabble…
That we love to just get away for a long weekend somewhere outsite of St. Louis…
Collaborating with you on things like the dresses for the Ladies of Honour…
Barbecuing for you and Josh and Ben and Teresa…
Buying patio furniture with you…on a whim…
How I know you don't like Doctor Who, but said you'd watch it with me sometime…
Sitting with you on the front porch couch, just chatting…
Signing up for a cell phone plan together…
Getting a cell phone that matches yours…
Introducing you to Battlestar Galactica…and then having to download new episodes 'cause you can't wait to see more…
That you know how to play chess…
Making you laugh…
Making reservations with you at Niagara Falls for our honeymoon…
Having a (nearly) finished TV room…that you and I got finished…
Registering for wedding stuff with you…
Working on our invitations to the wedding…
Working on this list of things that I love about you…
Wanting to post this list on the blog…
That we're getting married in less than 6 months…
That we're going to spend the rest of our lives together…
That today is our one-year anniversary…

I love you Alex!!!

The Bubble Test

2007-04-18T16:30:00.000-05:00

Actually, it's called the Focus Test. But you fill out bubbles with a #2 pencil, I guess, just like when you take a test at school, if it's that kind of test. This test will tell Brian and me if we are compatible. I am worried that we'll get a bad grade. Why, you say, are there problems between you two that we don't know about? Nope, I say, just my ordinary performance issues. I remember the first (and last) time I got a C+ in grade school. My mom called me downstairs. Unsuspectingly, I bounced down the stairs but as I rounded the landing and saw my parents sitting sternly waiting for me, positioned exactly as these people are here (although my parents would have been much younger than this couple at the time), and my mind started racing - what did I do? I couldn't for the LIFE of me remember breaking anything! A vase? A dish? What then?? I paced my steps to cross the rather large front hallway as slooooowly as possible. I had to explain why a student such as myself had gotten a C+.

I never had to have that conversation again. My dad died, and my GPA went down from a 9.9 to a 9.3 (out of 10, in my high school). I had to work through all manner of things in college and grad school(s) but that was never reflected in my grades.

Performance is essential. Or not. I've tried over the years to work out some of my psychoemotional kinks relating to this issue, but it's a little like prying something out of a cold, dead hand - that stuff is deeply embedded in my soul.

Anywho, Brian and I have struggled with the religion issue. When we decided to get married, I thought it was just about getting married, but it turns out that it's actually a pretty significant public ritual solemnizing an important event in two people's lives. I mean, we will actually be making a statement on all levels. Hopefully, the ceremony will state that we are more focused on the true meaning of the event and less so on bells, whistles, and ribbons. Hopefully, the reception will reflect our focus on fun and family get-togethers. Hopefully, our wedding ritual itself will say a lot about who we are as people... I mean, I didn't know it was that big of a deal -- I thought we were mainly making a statement to each other -- but it does involve others. This is not to say that our decisions should be made on others' preferences; only that we will be making statements whether we want to or not, so we should take care that we don't communicate something we don't want to. Ultimately, the choice of what to communicate or not is up to us, but I don't want to unwittingly or carelessly communicate something that I don't want to...

So back to the test, tomorrow nite. I'm actually excited, and that really outweighs the trepidation. It's the first formalized marital prep things we're doing. All along, we've wanted to do some structured prep no matter where we got married, and now we're doing it. We'll be talking to a priest who will hopefully also handle our formal pre-cana "talks" and then we'll do the engaged encounter and natural family planning things. Or maybe he won't require them. We don't really know yet. He's a new priest, as the other gentleman handling our pre-cana didn't work out (see our entry about that issue). It won't be our priest friend in California 'cause he's far away. It's the priest at Cronan's, Gerry Kleba.

Anyway, he wants us to do the test first and then we'll talk about whether he'll do marriage prep or not. I think he didn't want to commit to giving his blessing on the wedding if the test showed we were diametrically opposed to each other on all major issues. That does tie in a little bit to my ordinary feelings of performance pressure (it's not anxiety, because I do well on tests and have all my life - it's just the knowledge that no other option is acceptable), but more than anything, it feels good. If something comes up, we'll talk about it, just like we do about everything else that has come up this last year. It's something beautiful and touching and full of hope and our love for each other, that counters some of the ugliness this week.

In memoriam

ONE YEAR AND COUNTING...

2007-04-12T13:08:00.000-05:00

Quick post, but I just wanted to say that today is the one year anniversary of Alex and I first beginning to talk. I replied to her initial e-mails for the first time on April 12, 2006. I love you Alex!!!

Of eggs and cakes and tears...

2007-04-12T12:06:00.000-05:00

So this past Easter Saturday, Alex and I went to her mom's and we decorated Easter eggs...this was the first time I have ever done any dying of Easter eggs, at least that I can remember. We all had one wooden egg to do and several real eggs. I thought my wooden egg, after dying it blue and pasting the green bits on to make a "world egg," turned out pretty good:

Anyway, Alex made a cake and brought it over and was decorating that as well.

But, before I get to that, I need to talk about this...

A couple of weeks ago, Alex and I were talking about finances, specifically her debt from law school, which as anyone who's had school debt will assume, isn't insignificant. She told me that she was worried that I'd break up with her over her debt.
I told her, and I absolutely meant (and mean) it, that "I would rather live in a cardboard box on the street with you than live without you."

Now back to your regularly "shed-yuled" blog...

Alex was decorating a cake. It was a simple yellow cake in white icing. she was really going to town as well...doing a whole Ace of Cakes thing on it. She had rolled fondit and coloured it, making it blue and put two rectangles of it near one end, covered about 3/4 of the other end in a greenish tint, put what looked like a # sign on that in red, put a small picket fence around the side with a couple of dogs, a small plastic pizza on the top and to finish it off, two heads, one with a black hat on, resting on the blue pieces of fondit. She then took it to the other room to finish it off. She was cutting out cardboard pieces and taping them together.

NO ONE knew what she was going for...

So finally she told me.

Alex said: "What does this look like to you?"

Me: "I would assume that the heads are you and me...and it looks like we're in bed."

Alex: "Right. And do we look like we're in the lap of luxury?"

Me: "Hmmm...not really...we're eating pizza. What's this number sign here?"

Alex: "That's a patch on our blanket."

Me: "Oh...okay, I get that now...but...I still don't get the theme..."

Alex puts the last piece in place: "And what's this?"

Me: (still baffled) "It looks like an empty box."

Alex: "Right. And remember how you said you'd rather live in a box..."

I never heard her finish her statement. I began to sob, right there. I threw my arms around her and held her and wept for about a minute or so. I just couldn't believe that she'd make a cake about that. I couldn't believe how much that meant to me.

I still mean it, by the way. Granted, living in a cardboard box on the street isn't anything I'd want to do...but if I had to, I could...as long as my love is with me.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

2007-04-02T21:32:00.000-05:00

That was my only thought about 9:30AM on Saturday.

I was barely conscious of Alex getting up about 30 minutes before. I barely had enough wakefulness to pull the cover around me and roll over.

I wasn't totally asleep. You know that asleep where you have that one little voice in the back of your mind where you hear "it's time to get up now..." Yeah...I don't like that voice very much.

I heard Alex come up the stairs but I hoped maybe she wouldn't wake me up.

"Oh, Bri-an..."

Damn!

I rolled over, opening my eyes barely...

"Breakfast in bed, my sweet..."

I opened my eyes and Alex had brought up a tray with scrambled eggs and cheese and croissants and jelly (the real good organic raspberry kind) and milk.

Wow! Just...just wow!

I have never been served breakfast in bed before, unless I was sick and not allowed to leave bed. Just the amount of love that went into the decision to do that...for no reason other than she wanted to make me happy...I was completely overwhelmed. I do not know what I did in this life (or a past life) to deserve this kind of treatment from this kind of woman...I'm just thrilled that I'm here.

Alex told me later: "I heard you rolling over a couple times...I just kept saying 'please don't come down here...' I wanted to surprise you."

She did indeed.

It will be hard to top breakfast in bed. I know relationships aren't a contest...just because one person does something nice for the other, it doesn't mean anything is expected in return. But I want to do something special for her...something to show I care like she did when she made me breakfast for no other reason that to show me she loves me.

I'll come up with something...maybe for our anniversary...which is coming soon!

Itty bitty binkie pooh

2007-03-24T13:03:00.000-05:00

So a week ago today (the same night our neighbors got robbed), Brian and I are walking around at Target after having a really nice meal at Cunnetto's with a friend of mine and her husband (we really did have a great time). Anyway, Brian's in electronics and I'm wandering over toward women's clothes, and on one of the endcaps, I see a bunch of Classic Pooh baby stuff. Now, I as a young adult working but still living at home bought myself a whole bunch of Classic Pooh stuffed animals, probably fulfilling some thwarted childhood need. Those toys were long ago bequeathed to the actual children in the family. But I'm still a sucker for it.

One item that particularly hit home was this little itty bitty binkie pooh (a pacifier clip). I picked it up and threw it in the cart, to show it to Brian whenever he caught up with me. When he did a short while later, I showed it to him and he responded with a great big "aaaaaaaaaw!" I made some movement to set it down somewhere - being brutally honest, I would not have walked it all the way back to the place in the store where I had got it from (I do sometimes, but I was being especially lazy that day) - but Brian says, "Well, how much is it?" I don't know, I say, may four bucks or something. So he throws it into the cart.

Hmmm. Now, as a woman, I've already felt Brian out in terms of kids, the future, and stuff. Hello. We're getting married. So unlike some other couples that later get divorced because they find out the one wants ten kids, the other none -- the topic of children with their spouse never having come up apparently -- we thought it was a fine idea to talk about some of these things before the wedding. And that evening, I did not pick up the itty bitty binkie pooh with the intent of buying it, again being totally honest. And when we ran to Target again last nite (I think we should buy Target stock), I said "We're not buying any baby stuff tonite!!!" Although we did look. But last nite is not the point - that evening, Brian threw the itty bitty binkie pooh back into the cart. Hmmm.

We're both committed to no pregnancies before the wedding, but what are the odds we're going to be waiting a long time after the wedding? At least a little while, hopefully, to recover financially and emotionally from the wedding process. Plus, we'd like a some time to ourselves, maybe the first year or two. But it really is going to be more of a God and nature thing for us, so who knows what the time frame will end up being?

Danger and Anguish

2007-03-18T10:36:00.000-05:00

So last nite found the dogs again running pell-mell down the stairs, barking at the top of their lungs to confront whoever was banging on our door, with Brian and I right behind them. Unlike last time (see January 21st entry on Safety), this time my next-door neighbor and his girlfriend were robbed and car-jacked on their front lawn, not 20 feet from my house. They had just stopped in to get some blankets, because they are sleeping now at their new house. Technically, both houses close on the 23rd but he got early possession of the new house to avoid a double move. Since the bed and much of the furniture is at the new house already, they're sleeping there, but they were missing some blankets. As they were getting in to their car, two guys came out from between the gangway between his house and the house on the other side (not the gangway between his house and mine) wearing hoodies and bandanas over their faces. With guns to their heads, they forced my neighbor to stand with his hands on the hood of the car (à la cop patdown) and his girlfriend out of the car. My neighbor kept telling them to just leave, just leave man, take everything but just leave, don't do anything, just leave. He kept trying to look over at his girlfriend with the other guy, trying to see what he was doing to her. The guy with the gun on my neighbor's temple kept prodding him with the gun, saying shut the fuck up shut the fuck up close your eyes don't look over there. Knowing the .45 was pointed directly at his brains and not knowing what was next, my neighbor wouldn't close his eyes because he thought, well if this guy's going to shoot me, at least I'm going to stare at the sky.

...
...
...

They came over to our house to cancel their credit cards (both wallets, her purse, her car were taken) and report the loss to the car insurance company.

So Brian and I had already been talking about this house, and whether we can see our future in it, if we can see raising our children here. Um, no. Not already and especially not now. In five years that he (my neighbor) has lived here, including the four that I've lived here, nothing remotely like this has ever happened. It was very flukey in that he doesn't even live here anymore and but for the fact that he needed blankets for the 30' weather we're having, and but for the fact that those guys were about to rob somebody at the bar behind us, and but for the fact that the bar's security had scared them off from that robbery, and but for the fact that my backyard has signs all over the fences saying "Beware of dogs," and but for the fact that his yard is the next yard over and probably looked dark and empty because it was since they're no longer living there, and but for the fact that my neighbor didn't decide they also needed to get some other box of things or something besides the blankets that would have delayed them inside the house for another few minutes, and but for the fact that they took whatever exact amount of time it was in getting the blankets that they came out at the precise moment that these guys were coming out through the gangway then none of this would have happened.

But how cold is it that these guys, knowing the bar employee had just interruped their other crime to stop, rob my neighbor and his girlfriend, and then take the car. I mean, if they just needed a getaway car (which they probably did), they could have just pulled her out of the car, jumped in and left. But no, they stopped and made them go through their pockets and wallets and stuff and then yelled at them for a while and told them to get on their hands and knees and as that was happening, the bar employee -- who had apparently called the cops to report the first attempted crime (presumably, a robbery as well, as who has hoodies, bandanas, and guns on them for the casual stroll about the neighborhood) -- comes to our corner and startles these guys so they quit fucking with my neighbor and his girlfriend and finally just jump into the car and drive off. So my neighbor who has been trying to dial 911 on his cell but keeps getting "We're sorry. We can't answer your call right now, but please hold for the next available attendant" or some crap like that bangs on our door for us to call 911 and right as Brian and I are doing that, a cop pulls up to respond to the previous attempted robbery called in by the bar employee.

So that about summarizes my understanding of what went down. Point is, it was all a series of pretty happen-stance coincidences. Not that that makes them feel any better. And honestly, life in the city can be unstable like this. I grew up in the city with plenty of stories, and even have more recent anecdotes that I could bore my gentle reader with as well. So if we weren't already looking to leave, I'm not sure that this would motivate me/us sufficiently to do so. And we had just started to talk about whether we even wanted to buy in the city, or if we'd move out to the gasp! county. Can't we find a diverse, interesting area to live that is also safe? Or safer? Since we aren't under any pressure and we don't want to do this before the wedding in October, it's more of a hypothetical that just gained a certain degree of poignancy last nite.

So who knows how all this will work out. I want south city and diversity but I also want safety. But what am I willing to sacrifice for the ever-touted, ever-used-as-an-excuse-to-justify-all-sorts-of-unconstitutional- measures-that-aren't-always-effective concept of safety? What is it when we're talking about my life and limb, and that of my future husband and children, vs. something more esoteric, abstract, theoretical? How do I define that? Do we lock ourselves up, close our blinds, shut the world out? Do we install the lights on the porch with a motion detector that Brian and I were just talking about when we got home from Target yesterday, just hours before my neighbor was robbed and car-jacked? Here's a thought: Do we need to react at all? Yes, something as happened. Is a response, immediate or not, required? Are any additional measures or precautions necessary?

I guess we'll have to figure that out.

Poem: To the Future...

2007-03-09T09:03:00.001-06:00

It has only been ten months
Of our new life together:
But I see the coming years
As clear as I see today.

Every day I feel that I
Could not love you any more
Than I do at this moment.
And then every tomorrow,
I find I was mistaken.

Fifty years from now, we joke,
We will re-evaluate.
The fact that we’ve always planned
For five decades makes me smile.

I will always be with you:
By your side, my hand in yours,
Building life, home, family.
Facing all the challenges
That the future may bring us.

Whatever may befall us
In our entwined life to come,
You are the best of my life
In our journey together.

Happy Month-a-versary, Alex!

In Sickness and in Health

2007-03-05T17:58:00.000-06:00

So Brian spent yet another weekend tending to me in my sickness. I first got sick with this latest bout of bronchitis about 10 days ago. That weekend, I spent it in bed for the most part with a pretty high fever. I limped through the week, throwing in a doctor's appointment and lung x-ray in there for good measure, and made it to the weekend. I actually was feeling pretty good by Friday nite, and went to the symphony with Brian and a couple of friends. Afterward, we went to Red Lobster, where I stuffed myself full of their awesome cheese rolls and seafood pasta goodness. I'm glad I ate that much because all week, I had... hmmm. How to put this delicately? Let's just say that most of what went in to my stomach was not spending a lot of time there. But it was coming back, not going through, if you know what I mean. Anyway, Thursday and Friday, I kept my food down. Unfortunately, on Saturday, I got really dizzy and nauseous, probably from a combination of the codeine in the cough syrup I was taking and an inner ear infection. I ended up getting so dizzy, I fell down in the foyer, at the foot of the stairs and looking up with the room spinning as if I were really, really drunk, except without the part people think is fun about getting drunk. Then my stomach relieved itself of its contents. Fortunately, there had been enough time and warning beforehand for Brian to bring an appropriate container nearby. All the while, Bri and I were pretty freaked out because we didn't know what was going on or what we should do. I eventually made it back to my bed, where I stayed except for a brief foray out for mass on Sunday morning and a quick grocery trip.

Anyway, the point of all of this is not to talk about me being sick or the yummy details but about Brian being really awesome and taking care of me again, running out to get Gatorade and making me homemade chicken soup and watching home improvement shows with me even though he's not all that interested in them, just to keep me company. When he's sick, he mostly likes to get left alone. So I have to repay him by picking up the next couple of rounds of dishes or not nagging him about leaving stuff lying around or some other way, but unfortunately, not by tending to him like he tends to me...

Hopefully, we won't test each other's commitment to our partnership in sickness too many more times. Hopefully, we'll just be together in health, and go through life that way. But in the meantime, we can each take comfort that we're together even in the bad times. And that may be the best part of being together - knowing that we're not alone in life anymore.

Alleluiah!

2007-03-01T21:27:00.000-06:00

OK, it's Lent. Not really Alleluliah season yet. But we just got an email from the priest who is a friend of my family's (a good, good friend that goes back to my 6th or 7th year of age and his pre-ordination days, and has been with us for many family milestones, e.g., first holy communions, marriages, anniversary masses, etc.) . Assuming I am a practicing Catholic, he will marry us even if Brian is agnostic. We've had a rather extensive email conversation these last couple of weeks, and specifically, he said: "Brian has more faith than he gives himself credit for... because: the one who seeks, finds. If he is seeking, I call that faith. Of course!! I will still marry you. abrazotes........ J"

Things got rather stressful a couple of weeks ago when we met with the family friend of Brian's family, who is (was?) slated to concelebrate with Jaimísimo and handle our pre-cana. We wanted to mention our concerns with the Church and Brian's agnosticism before we were under any time pressure for the wedding. He reacted nicely but did not seem very open to the idea of Brian's agnosticism. In fact, he said he thought it would preclude a Catholic wedding. Ouch. We then talked to three other priests, none of whom seemed quite as alarmed about the agnosticism. Apparently, it's rather commonplace for Catholics to marry people outside of the faith. In fact, Brian's mom (staunch Catholic) married Brian's dad (Lutheran/Evangelical & Reformed) and lived a happy 36 years with him. So we asked our concelebrant Jaimísimo specifically what his position on the issue would be, and received above response.

So it's our alleluiah time.

Oh, and I almost forgot: Props to my man for writing me a po-ëm. And not even on a Valentine's Day or anniversary or anything!

Untitled Poem

2007-02-25T18:27:00.002-06:00

All the emotions I have
Whenever I think of you:
They can contradict themselves,
But somehow it still makes sense.

I'm nervous and excited;
Vulerable and yet strong;
I feel bold and still cautious;
Sometimes, I can't help but cry
At how happy that I am.

I never dared ask the gods
For a love like yours and mine.
I feel you have been with me
Even before we first met.

The best part of me, Alex,
I think, can be seen in you.
My best friend and my woman.
My fiancee and quite soon
To be my wife forever.

I can't think of anyone
Who is luckier than I.
My life...our lives...intertwined...
Until the stars fade from view...

The Sick of Moltar

2007-02-25T14:22:00.000-06:00

I don't like it when I'm sick. Good thing I'm not sick then, 'innit? :)

Unfortunately, Alex is.

Thursday evening, she felt just fine and then not unlike a freight train (you know, the one like you think is the light at the end of the tunnel) it hit her in the middle of the day on Friday. Bad hacking cough, temperatures up and down. At one point, she had 8 blankets on her and was still cold.

I know she'll be fine, and I love playing Florence Henderson...um, I mean Florence Nightingale for her: "No no...stay on the couch...anything you need, I'll go and get for you...you need to rest...don't exert yourself..." I know it's hard for her and she feels like total ¢®@¶, not being albe to do much of anything. I know for me the worst part of me being sick is not the actual sick, but the laying on the couch watching tv tends to get old after 10 hours or so...

Get well soon, baby.

Of politics and religion

2007-02-12T08:59:00.000-06:00

Good Lord, these can be thorny topics. And here we are, lucky enough to be essentially on the same page for those two items. On Saturday, we went with friends to see Barack Obama announce his run for president of the United States. I'm almost afraid to set my hopes on him, for fear that I might truly believe that he is different only to be disillusioned with the political process yet again. But boy did he sound different. Articulate, passionate, committed. He sounded soooo different from so many politicians. He said there was a certain audacity in running for president because he hadn't been in Washington all that long. As far as I'm concerned, that's one of the main things that sets him apart and is a distinct advantage over most if not all of his competition. So it was frigidly cold (I had foolishly not prepared as well as I should have for the cold), my baby wrapped his arms around me, we listened to the speech, there was a huge, huge crowd, and I felt hope. For us, for ending the war, for the country.

¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ

Next, religion. Again, Brian and I are very similar in this regard. We continue to talk and define our religious beliefs, if any, and talk about what we want out of our life together in terms of religion. These are the principles I/we've worked out:

I want my religion to guide my decisions but not make them for me. God gave me a brain; I can't imagine I'm supposed to set it to the side to believe man-made laws.
I want my religion to provide an opportunity for community interaction, both in my spiritual activities as well as social projects.
I do not want my religion to serve as a justification of any kind for judgmental or unkind behavior, from a mildly disapproving air to full-blown self-righteousness. Meaning, I don't want to be all pious on the one hand, talking about religion and Christ and devotion all the time, and then be mean and judgmental on the other. Even if it's just a little bit. Hopefully, I won't be unkind and judgmental at all, but I definitely do NOT want to use religion or devotion as a basis or reasoning for that type of behavior. And what is it with that classic combo of high piousness/low tolerance or patience, with a ton or two of hypocritical behavior mixed in? Like a friend said at work, that focus on the rules while missing the point of the book. At least the book that he's read. So I don't want to be that. Again, not that I want to behave in that way anyway, but particularly using religion for that purpose makes my skin crawl. And I'm not a world leader or anything, so it's not about taking the country to war for me; rather, it's about how I behave toward others in my small, daily life. Oi weh this is such an area of personal growth for me.... To the extent that I continue to integrate religion into my life, I want it to help me be more tolerant and kind, not be a way to rationalize judgmental and hypocritical behavior.

That's pretty much it - those three things. I've used the first person, singular here only because these exact words are mine (sometimes we actually draft emails and blog entries together, and this language here doesn't reflect that type of collaboration), but Brian doesn't want to shut his brain off for any reason, including religion, nor does he want to become pious and religious only to end up being judgmental toward others. He's also open to the idea of community activity. So we're at a good point for now. We've laid down the foundation, the basic principles, of what we want from this part of our lives together. Although the life that we build together is a work in progress, these principles should help guide our decisions. God willing.

Nine!

2007-02-09T13:02:00.000-06:00

Today is our ninth-month-a-versary.
Or our 3/4 anniversary...
Or...well...you know....whatever....

This blog entry is being brought to you today by the letters A and B and by the number 9! :)

I don't know why I thought about the Sesame Street song...but I did...
I love you babydoll!!!

NOTE: Fixed video on 3-26-07

Fitty years

2007-02-06T08:57:00.000-06:00

Fifty. Fitty. The big five-oh. Cincuenta. Cinquante. Funfzig.

That's our goal. Like a fifty-year-old cockatoo. Or fifty pence. Or fifty miles an hour. Or fifty red roses.

Fifty years. It starts out by finding someone who has the same image, the same concept in mind. God willing, we'll make it, but it seems to me that if we weren't starting out with the same goal in mind, it would make it awfully hard to achieve that goal. It helps - a lot - that our parents were married for a very long time. Maybe this is something that makes or breaks it. I mean, if we didn't have the role model, would we even know to think about it? To aspire to that? To be able to imagine it? I guess it would be possible, just that much harder.

Second criterion: Fifty Happy Years. Yes, that's romantic. And yes, there's probably some naïveté mixed in there, too. But again, if you can't fathom it, can't even conceptualize it, it seems like it would be hard to make it reality.

Oh, I imagine there will be good times, bad times, and (what may be even worse) the indifferent times. We have a lot to figure out. Maybe on a good day, I'll print this blog entry out and sigh wistfully and blissfully. Maybe on a bad day, I'll print it out and tape it to my closet door to remember why I went down this path. But Brian and I are closing in on a year (in three days, we'll have dated for 9 months, known each other for 10). And it feels good. So good. So right. So fifty years, it is. We'll re-evaluate at that point and see where we want to go from there. I told Brian I may just hobble over to the old geezer in the next room if he hasn't kept me happy. ;-). In the meantime, may God bless us in getting through the paper, cotton, wood, copper, china, bronze, silver, pearl, ruby, and sapphire years 'til we hit gold. Actually, before I get ahead of myself, may God help us get to the wedding day, and then help us through the rest of it. :-)

Open feedback

2007-02-06T08:36:00.000-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, I blogged about an ongoing discussion Brian and I have been having about where to wed. To me, a large overt statement in public is a significant moment in a person's life, there aren't that many, and even fewer that one gets to choose. That is, how much choice does one have as to where one is born? Where one is baptized or has a first holy communion? Or even confirmed? Presumably, one's parents - no matter the religion or lack thereof - play a deciding role in these events.

So a wedding - two adults making a choice - is, among other things, a statement as to what one believes or does not believe. I blogged because I had suggested to Brian that we bring others into the conversation; we had been going round and round on it, not really coming to a resolution, and needed fresh perspective. At the same time, we called the priest that's handling our pre-cana (our concelebrant lives in California, so only one is handling the preparation), and set up an appointment for next week. I've been talking a lot to my mom, and how she and dad integrated their faith and principles into their daily lives. As an aside, my mom freezes up about sex but we can talk about religion all day long. I've emailed friends and gotten unsolicited feedback from others who would like to add to the discussion. Basically, we really opened up to outside input.

Things are not settled yet, but the discussion has been so enriching, I'm amazed. People with whom I had never talked about religion have definite thoughts on the subject - it's not neutral like the weather. But most everyone has been kind, supportive, respectful, and offered true insights. I'm just amazed at the depth and richness of this conversation, and all because a couple of weeks ago, Brian and I decided to invite others in. We still have to make our own decision, and we still have to get through that process (we're not there yet), but how beautiful to have added the dimension of others into this issue. I tell you, it feels like grace shining down on me.

This seems like a very valuable lesson in life. It makes me wonder how things will play out in the future - when we're making a decision about, say, homeschooling our children (something I've been interested in for years). Or what if we're having a rough patch? The support and insight of friends may help us there, too.

Don't get me wrong - of course, I've asked for input from my support network before. But I'm generally pretty independent and comfortable making decisions on my own (I think Brian is, too), so what feels new is getting input on a decision we're making together. Wow.

Lazy day

2007-02-03T19:35:00.000-06:00

Today we did nothing.

Well, obviously not nothing...but...well, let me es'plain...

January was a very stressful month. We got engaged, told everyone, went to a B&B, Alex had a conference, we had a Christmas Party, my work's becoming more stressful, and we finished moving me into Alex's (now our) place. Just off the top of my head. I'm sure if I thought about it, I could come up with half a dozen more things that happened. Nothing too bad, but everything was in a three week period. We needed some serious down time.

So today we did a whole lot of nothing. Slept late. Puttered around the house. I made French Toast for breakfast...the most strenuous things I did was pay bills and do laundry...we took a nap...wrote a blog entry...watched some Food Network...made popcorn...so not a whole lot of anything going on....

There is a great releif in knowing that nothing has to be done in a quick fashion.

I know with our wedding coming up, we will have many days and weeks where we'll have so much to do we won't know what day it is. As such, I will treasure days like this with Alex.

Done and Done

2007-02-03T15:17:00.000-06:00

Today is Saturday, the 3rd of February.

Today is the third day that I am completely and fully moved in with Alex.

On Saturday, the 27th of January, we (meaning Alex, Mike, Mal and I) finished off one of the easiest moves I've ever been a part of. We (Alex and I) had been, over the course of the last four or so months, been getting stuff out of my apartment, starting in October or so. Comic books, bookshelves, the computer, the dresser, etc. Every couple of days, we'd swing by my apartment and get a couple of armfuls or a carful of stuff to bring over. Slowly, but surely, the apartment began to empty itself out.

By the time the Thursday before hit, we only had maybe a carful of stuff to empty out, not counting the big stuff we'd need a U-Haul to do (Uha! Ul!) and my mom and sister came over to help me clean the place up.

Well, I say "help"...but I was still battling a bug (which I'm still finishing off) which made my mom say "no - you lay on the couch - you're too sick to help." So really, they did while I rested.

Anyway, most of the place was clean by Saturday and we get to the aforementioned move. Actually, the hardest part was getting the truck. Did you know UHaul actually asked for the name and phone number of "a person who is not helping with the move?" When I asked why, they said it was for insurance purposes. They then proceeded to call my mom at 730 AM to verify that yes, I wasn't a Libyan terrorist or something.

Anyway...

I got the truck and was back to my place at 8AM with Mike and Mal and Alex just arriving. We had everything packed in the truck by 930 and headed out. (Like I said, we only had a few big items to move, everything else was done and gone.) The only bad part was we had to go to 5 different places to drop stuff off, including St. Vincent DePaul’s, my mom's house, Alex's mom's house, etc.

All in all, it was pretty stress free and easy....the truck didn't need a professor of spatial geometry to help get everything loaded in one shot, we had dropped off the truck by 11:30 and had a nice lunch. All in all, very simple and easy.

Oh, and before I forget, a quick shout out of help to my mom, Carie, Mal, Mike and especially Alex for all the help in closing out my apartment.

On Thursday, February 1st, I dropped off the keys. It was a good apartment - actually belonging originally to my friend Elliot - but I had it for 7 years whereas he had it for 18 months. It was my second apartment, but the first one I didn't really love. This one I did.

And while I will miss my old place, I don't for one second regret getting rid of it. I've never lived with anyone before in my life (not counting my family) and living with Alex these last couple of months has been the absolute best.

Not ready yet

2007-01-28T13:05:00.000-06:00

So Brian and I were talking this morning again about all this religion stuff. It occurred to us that, although we may not be ready to say we ARE Catholic, neither are we ready to say we are NOT Catholic. How's that for cognitive dissonance?

Here's the thing - we'd probably end up becoming Episcopalian or something (I've heard some Episcopalians call themselves "Catholic lite"). That is, no structured spiritual activity is unlikely. But before we walk away from our heritage, if we walk away from our heritage, we want to be sure. And neither one of us is ready to never take communion in a Catholic church again. Even if we weren't Catholic anymore, we'd be going to first holy communions, memorial masses, confirmations, etc., etc., etc. You know, the parts of life that come with a whole community of active Catholic family and friends.

Which brings me to another thing - there's a difference, a chasm in fact, a canyon, worlds away, that separates the Catholics with which we hang out with vs. the bigotry, racism, etc., that I mentioned in the previous entry. Most of the Catholics we hang out with are intelligent, thoughtful, valuable members of their communities. Many of them are Jesuit-educated, meaning we tend to think our way through the religion, not blindly accept it. They're active and volunteer and don't have issues with skin color, etc.

Ah, well. I trust.

So about these weddin' plans (warning: heavy stuff)

2007-01-28T13:04:00.000-06:00

Well, we have the church and the reception site. Actually, we have had for some time. When Brian and I started talking about moving in, we talked about getting married, or at least the possibility thereof. Maybe it's because I'm not 19 anymore, I think I needed to have a context to the decision to move in with someone. So we talked about it, and fortunately, both of us saw long-term potential, even likelihood, in the relationship.

We started talking about when. I've always wanted a fall wedding, but we also considered spring. I threw my dad's birthday out (Sept. 15), because I'd like to honor him in some way, as well as Larry. Well, it turned out that his birthday is in the fall, too, so we picked a the closest Saturday in between the two dads' birthdays. It also turned out that that'll be 18 months after we met. We also considered some spring dates of significance (we started dating in April, for example). Brian decided he preferred the fall date, and I was OK with that.

Well, that led us to the where. Neither one of us was really ready to commit (think: "Oh, we've been dating three WHOLE months!!! Let's get married NOW!!!). I don't think so. But we have a large group [note: I want a small wedding but it's really important to Brian to have is whole, extended family with us on that important day] and stuff books up in this city fairly early unless you want to pay mucho dinero so I told Brian if we really wanted a fall wedding, we should at least research locations, etc. Our primary criterion right after size and availability became refundable deposits. We researched and researched and then Brian found this fab place that is totally St. Louis and unique (as in there is only one in the entire world), right size, right price, right choices -- just perfect. Knock on wood.

Now we get to the whole church thing. Both of us assumed initially that it would probably be a Catholic wedding, and we do have a church selected, where (if I had to lay down money today) we will probably get married. We picked it because it's not his childhood parish or mine - neutral territory, as it were. Because good, good friends of ours (of his and mine, and it turns out they know each other) are parishioners there, we have positive memories of it from a variety of events we have attended over the years, and few or no negative associations with it (like I do, with my former parish - see below). It's also a beautiful church, so it won't need a lot of decorating, and is large enough for our group. It's in a part of the city that we both chose to live in years ago (long before we met), so it's a choice that's meaningful to both of us. I don't remember which one of us came up with it...

But here's the rub: Although both of us were raised Catholic (yes, with a capital "c"), Brian's a declared agnostic. Hmmm... agnostic/church wedding. Agnostic/church wedding. Hmm... Plus, we have some serious concerns with the Church's teachings. For example, neither one of us equates homosexuality with pedophilia. I am really, really opposed to the idea of switching pedophiles from one pool of victims to another (oops, I meant from one parish to another). Promoting Cardinal Law to Rome (and yes, I view his new position in Rome as a promotion) was a slap in the face. When my former parish (St. Cronan's) was one of the local parishes to have its priest removed due to the sexual abuse scandal and its repercussions, a bishop stood in full regalia in our church and denied that the payoffs to the families were payoffs. Now, the church's lawyers saying stuff like that in the press or in their legal responses to accusations have a different impact on me. Not particularly savory, but hey - they're lawyers. But for a man of the cloth to stand in the house of God and lie brings the issue to a whole new level with which human laws and liability issues have little to do. And when lawyers are more mindful than men of the cloth of things such as truth and honor and integrity and respect and morality and the terra sancta they happen to be treading, then the world has definitely gone a little topsy-turvy. I say the Church and at least some of its leaders have lost sight of some very important things that it would behoove them to reflect upon occasionally.

This is a topic that, quite honestly, I would probably reserve for my own blog or my handwritten journal. But it's a conversation that Brian and I have been having for some time, one that is not resolved. A year ago, I did not consider myself Catholic. Or catholic. But when we started thinking and talking about possibly getting married, I thought, "So what, I'm not going to have my kids baptized? I'm not gonna have an advent calendar?"

I'm not an atheist or an agnostic - been there, did that in late teens and college. So I believe in God. I also believe in spiritual communities and the power of human energy that is different when we come together as opposed to solitary expression of anything - faith, anger, joy, celebration. I also enjoy activities. My niece is applying to a local catholic high school and honestly, I'm thinking about the cool things I'll get to do in helping her out, not just homework stuff but the volunteering projects, etc.

Today, after we got done with the latest phase of moving [almost done!!!] and while I took a nap, Brian spent over 2 hours researching what it means to be Catholic. There's a difference between "de fide" matters and others that are disciplinary or doctrinal, but not obligatory like the "de fide" ones. They're summarized in the Nicaean (aka Nicene) Creed, but once I woke up, we reviewed 13 pages of .5 margin/single-spaced/size 10 font material to take a good look at this stuff together.

Basically, I think we've decided to take the classes. For one thing, we both would like to do some kind of structured review of marital issues to try to make sure we've talked about as much stuff as we can, to identify any issues, whether it's Catholic or not. But if we are able to reconcile ourselves with some of our issues with the Church, I believe we would be very happy getting married at Pius. Actually, I'm not sure reconciling ourselves with this stuff is required - it's an internal dialogue that we are having...

Another thing- Isn't the reason to have a wedding as opposed to eloping the idea of making this commitment in front of your community? Well, our community is largely Catholic. Not that they wouldn't come (although some might not) if we were married say by a judge but still, it's yet another factor.

Plus, people that I know and love and trust are Catholic. So I'm loathe to chuck the whole bit and make a decision I would later regret.

You know, I really wish my parents had just raised me to be a Christmas catholic that didn't really care and didn't really think about all this and it was all just bla bla bla. But if I am standing before God and my community, I'd sure like to be telling the truth when I say what I'm going to say. There's a part of me that wishes I could just sashay down the aisle and then flounce out of church with my rice or bells or bubbles or whatever the hell and worry more about the color of my damn ribbon than the whole spiritual significance of the thing. But my dad was the first lay catholic theology teacher at SLU, back in the day. He spent the last 27 years of his life as editor of the Social Justice Review and director of the Zentral Verein. My mom is a professor. What are the odds that I'm just gonna be blasé blasé about this stuff?? And Brian's roots are the same - his family is chock full of eucharistic ministers. Waddya gonna do? We can't not think about it.

But would we not be telling the truth if we stood in a Catholic Church and got married? I mean, Brian and I will (God willing) commit to a life together. That will presumably not change whether it's a JOP in a courtroom or an officiant in a park or a church.

On the other hand, why not just get married somewhere else? I'm only speaking for myself at this point. What is pulling me toward a Catholic wedding when I have so many unresolved issues with the Church? I guess I don't want to be the heathen slut that took Brian away from the fold, from what I assume might be his family's perspective. He says they know that he's an agnostic, but they didn't bat an eye when we said Pius. I don't know that he's really discussed it much with them over the years.

Plus, I don't want to regret it. Years from now, I don't want to look back, and wish I had had a church wedding. Does there need to be anything else? We've chosen other stuff for the wedding based on a variety of criteria - maybe what I just said is enough to choose a Catholic location. Maybe we don't need to over-think this stuff...

I have to think there is some kind of way to be spiritually active and yet avoid the bigotry, sexism, denial, racism, war-mongering, and homophobia that seems to be associated with the Church AT TIMES. But I don't think my ultra Catholic dad was like that, or my mom. Maybe it's a sign of the times, more of a temporary leadership issue, rather than the whole Church? I just keep going round and round with these issues, and lots of hours of conversation and research haven't led to a nice, easy solution, and Brian and I are usually so good at resolving things. AAAAGH.

But we can't very well criticize Church leaders for not thinking about things and then do the same thing ourselves. It's like criticizing political leaders and then not voting. Helloooo. Participatory process here.... I guess we'll just take the classes and see what kind of dialogue we can establish with our priest(s). Fortunately, we've got some good ones. So I'll think with this brain that God/the greater power gave me, and will pray with this faith that my parents gave me, and will hope with this love in my heart that Brian gave me, and will trust with the ever-strengthening bond that we are giving each other that all will be well. And try to set my type-A planning personality to a low hum, if I can, while we work this out. And breathe. I have to remember to breathe.

Safety = Brian and his baseball bat, plus a few other things

2007-01-22T09:34:00.000-06:00

So twice this month, we've had a middle-of-the-night adrenaline situation. First, a couple of weeks ago, the dogs start barking upstairs, run down to the front door and go absolutely ballistic. So I am flying down the stairs because it sounds like someone is right on the other side of the door or window and is trying to get in. Who would continue such efforts in the face of two large, very upset dogs is beyond me, but I run down. And I turn around to find Brian right there with me, with his baseball bat in hand. Although it was a canine emergency of the most serious kind, it was all a false alarm from a human perspective. That is, some guy was walking on the sidewalk with his two dogs (or was it three? I'll have to check with Brian on this). Not in our yard. Not even on our side of the street. Nope, by the time I made it downstairs, the guy was across the street about a half block down. But the sheer audacity of these dogs to think they could walk down our street, with their human in tow, was simply more than my dogs could handle without at the very least letting them know that they had better not even consider coming on to our territory. Or near our territory. Or within fifty feet of it. Because they were already waaaaaay too close for comfort.

Then last nite, I'm reading some interesting little blurb from a magazine to Brian before we turn out the lites, and we hear voices arguing, toward the rear of the house. They get louder and more aggressive, so I get up to go out on the balcony. When I do, Royale people are running toward the fighters, who are now on the side of my house and I can no longer see. I hear "Let me go! Let me go!", grab the cordless and am dialing 911 as I am flying down the stairs, again. These two people had gotten into a fight and were now grappling with each other on my front lawn. I'm standing on my front porch, there is a wide evergreen bush in front of the porch, and they're right on the other side of the bushes, so maybe 6-8 feet away from me. The 911 lady is asking me questions and honestly I am not able to answer coherently - I just keep repeating my address and saying, "there are people fighting, please come!"

Steve Smith from the Royale totally takes control and he and his employees step between the two fighters and Steve's like "OK, you go that way! and you go the other way!" and then they kept them separated while the one person kept yelling and going at the other. After a certain amount of time -- I am unable to assess the time; it felt like minutes and minutes but maybe it wasn't -- Steve was able to kind of convince the yelling person to walk away, down the street with him (heading east) and the other guy was kept heading west by Steve's employees. These weren't Royale patrons or anything; the Royale people had just heard the noise, too.

While all this is going on, I've been on my front porch talking to the 911 lady and describing what was going on and that they didn't appear to have any weapons and I don't know what all questions she was asking. Brian was right there with me, and then the cops came and asked us what happened and then we took pictures and I wrote everything down, 'cause I know from my work that memory starts to fade within the first half hour, and then the cops had to come again because when we took the pictures, we saw that one of them had dropped their keys on the ground - like the keys were in the imprint their bodies had left in the mud. So a cop came back and picked up the keys, and left.

As one might imagine, Brian and I are stone cold awake at this point, and keep trying to read again and relax, but it doesn't happen for a while. Finally, we fall asleep, but I can't imagine going through that by myself. It definitely felt safer to have Brian there, and the dogs, and Brian's bat and my phone and the locked doors and alarm system. And Brian. And his baseball bat.

Words, Words, Words

2007-01-20T20:12:00.000-06:00

Well,

A lot has happened since my last post, innit? :)

Yes, I am officially engaged and I couldn't be happier. One interesting thing is how fast I've slipped into the role.

I'll explain that. (I'm sure the people in Germany or India are saying "Good, 'cause I'm not sure what you mean.")

The first day I was at work and it just came out in conversation. My workmates were having a conversation and I jumped in with "Well, my fiancee actually works with...."

I didn't even get a chance to finish the sentence.

"FIANCEE?!?!" shouted my boss, my boss'es boss and several others.

I blushed a bit...."Well...yeah...."

(At least someone was surprised we got engaged!)

The next day, someone asked me what I was doing after work. I mentioned that "I was going over to my future mother-in-law's to help her install something on her computer." That, too, just rolled off my tongue.

I think I'm a little weirded out by the fact that me saying these things DOESN'T weird me out. Does that even make sense?

Well, all I know is I love you Alex....my intended....my fiancee...my love...

Goin' to the chapel and we're gonna get maAAAaarried

2007-01-14T16:02:00.000-06:00

...Goin' to the chapel of looooooooove.

We're getting married. Tying the knot. Going in to the little room and never coming out again (my mom's image of marriage). Puttin' on the old ball & chains.

We proposed to each other on our 8th monthiversary! How equitable is that?!?!? I mean, why SHOULDN'T I get to propose, too?? We had talked about it before and got our rings (my engagement ring and both wedding bands) mid-December, but wanted to make it through the holidays and planned a weekend at this awesome, awesome place called Beall Mansion (voted #1 bed&breakfast in Alton, Illinois, a mere 45 minutes from STL). It was to be 9 months from when we first started talking and 9 months to our wedding. Then Tuesday (January 9th), Brian said he just couldn't wait anymore. Independently of the engagement, we had made plans already to go to his mom's for dinner on Wednesday nite, and he really, really wanted to go public and make it official. As I did not anticipate my answer would hinge on three days in one direction or the other, that was fine with me.

So we went to his mom's, who was very pleased albeit a little wowed. We had dinner as planned and it was really wonderful. We wanted to tell my mom next but she and I didn't have anything planned so she was out running an errand when I called. To make time, we went to Cafe Balaban to have dessert - very romantic. After that, we stopped in at my mom's and gave her the news. She had a bottle of champagne left over from New Year's, so she brought that out. Next came our sisters; Brian, his mom, and I conspired to get them out to dinner without letting them know was up. Here, we've got the one reaction of true surprise (his older sister's jaw dropped). Everyone else has pretty much seen it coming.

We went to the Beall anyway, and had an absolutely marvelous time in a time a way from time. The mansion was a turn-of-the 20th-century wedding present from this really, really wealthy man of railroad fortune to his son. Unfortunately, when he passed away some five years later, his daughter-in-law had his son committed (the first of five husbands who died or were committed shortly after marrying her. One friend's opinion when he heard this story: She probably had very attractive ankles.) Anyway, the place has since become a haven for old and young alike; the guest book was filled with romantic stories and anecdotes, so all her bad kharma is gone, I'm sure.

On our way back in, we stopped to tell Brian's gang of friends, none of whom seemed remotely surprised, either. In fact, we heard they had a pool going but we fooled them all by picking a less obvious date than Christmas, New Years, Valentine's or St. Swizen's. bwa ha ha ha ha [evil laughter].

All is well. Love is in the air.

A Christmas Carol

2006-12-27T14:59:00.000-06:00

Ghost of Christmas Present:

This was the first Christmas (of, with any luck, many) that Alex and I will be together. This was particularly hard this year, as I know I was being pulled in about 15 different directions at once. I felt like whatever I choose, I lose...'cause I'm going to make someone upset.
This was also the first Christmas since my father passed. Anyone who's had to live through something like that will tell you that it's not going to be a good day.
My Christmas ended up going like this -

12/24, noon - Christmas Eve Lunch with Alex. I made for her Shrimp Cocktail, Shrimp Scampi, seared scallops and snow peas. Mmmmmmmmm... I know I needed to fill up, 'cause someone had the bright idea that we were going to have Lasagna for Christmas Eve dinner at my grandmothers. (I don't like baked pasta of any kind.)
12/24, 1:30PM - finished homemade garlic bread for dinner. Lotsa garlic and cheese....
12/24, 4:30PM - Alex and I arrived at my grandmother's house. My grandma has about 50 people over for Christmas every year (relatives - she had 9 kids!) We eat (I had lots of salad and bread - which went over great!) Alex burned her hand on the heating element of the stove and we rushed to Walgreen's for some burn spray.
12/24, 6:00PM - Santa Claus arrives to give all kids (grade school and under) a small toy. I was worried that Alex would be asked to sit on his lap, since it was her first Christmas with all of us - fortunately, that didn't happen. Although, it might have been cute... :)
12/24, 6:30PM - Begin the Secret Santa Exchange. Alex got a gift certificate to a Brazillian restaurant (wow, that looks so good!) and Bath Works stuff. I got a Bed, Bath & Beyond, and Borders gift cards (2/3 of my shopping Trifecta, if only Best Buy were there!)
12/24, 9:00PM - back to my mom's house to put all presents under the tree. Tradition!
12/24, 9:45PM - at our house, to finish wrapping a few gifts, and to let the dogs out.
12/24, 11:00PM - after picking up Teresa and Ben (Alex's niece and nephew) we go to her mom's house and then walk to College Church for Midnight Mass.
12/24, 11:45PM - The choir! I'm stunned. I now know what a good choir is supposed to sound like! (After years of trying hard to drown out the St. Andrew choir)
12/25, 1:30AM - We return to open presents at her mom's house. I got a puzzle game, some chocolate and a portable power station. Woohoo!
12/25, 2:30AM - Take pictures of Catalina, Alex's sister for a magazine shoot. (Later she sends them in and they're published - my first professional photo credit!)
12/25, 3:00AM - Christmas breakfast with Alex's family...chorizo and eggs and cheese and bacon and bread...mmmmmmmm....
12/25, 4:20AM - I drop Alex off at home, go back to my mom's house.
12/25, 4:50AM - I arrive at mom's house, sneak in the back door, make my way to the couch, kick off my shoes, belt and tie and crawl into makeshift bed.
12/25, 5:00AM - I fall asleep, glad that my mom and sisters said they were going to sleep late.
12/25, 7:20AM - This is late?!?!? I hear all three of them puttering arond the kitchen, banging glasses together and hearing the phrase "well, he needs to get up now..."
12/25, 7:30AM - Opening presents at my mom's house. Not a great time. We got several dad-themed gifts which brought the whole operation to a halt while we all cried a bit. Really nice gifts though.
12/25, Noon - The four of us go to JB Cemetery to visit grandpa and dad. Again, not a great time. Although, crying there in the cemetery with the misting sleet and my mom and sisters with me I think was good. I think it helped me move just a little through the grieving process. Not that I'm through it by a long shot...but every little bit helps.
12/25, 1:15PM - Grandma comes over for lunch, roast beast....mmmmm
12/25, 2:30PM - I fall asleep. Yay!
12/25, 3:30PM - I wake up. Boo.
12/25, 4:30PM - I leave to go home. I meet up with Alex and we have a very relaxing rest of the evening...well, as relaxing as I can have on 3 hours of sleep in the last 48.

Ghost of Christmas Past:

A lot would have been the same with previous Christmases. I would have gone to St. Andrew Midnight mass with my family, came home about 3AM, ate Jack in the Box and complained about the Christmas Eve party. "Did you see what X was wearing?" "God, Y was sooo drunk...again!...this year..." And of course, dad would have been there.

I miss you, dad.

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come:

We're thinking we may go out of town next year. Simplifies everything.

And to everyone celebrating Christmas, or Hanukah, or Kwanzaa, or Yule or the Solstice or Boxing Day or whatever, especially anyone who's lost a loved one recently, may God bless us, everyone.

He gets me, he gets the need

2006-12-22T20:30:00.000-06:00

I was raised in a middle class family. We didn't have fifteen cars or anything but I never wanted for anything. Even more importantly, I also did not want for a home, a family, and so forth. That is, we were operating at a pretty high level on Maslow's hierarchy. So it was shocking to discover the absolute need that exists right here in St. Louis. There is a segment of society that lives an existence reminiscent of that which I observed in Central America, doing missionary work with my parents.

This brings me to Christmas - besides my two front teeth, I don't really want anything. Actually, that's not true. There's always lots of wants. But there are few needs indeed.

Brian and I have been having this discussion about what I want. I happen to need socks, so I asked for those. Not that I can't provide them for myself, but at least they're a need, not a want. Well, I still got movie and theatre tickets from Brian this season (after a need, the next best thing in my opinion is an experience, and he got movie coupons and awesome tickets at the Fox) but we opened my Christmas presents tonite. Yes, we're early, but a) I'm not keen on surprises, b) I sometimes eat my dessert first, and c) Christmas is going to be chaotic enough trying to coordinate our families' schedules, so at least we got a few moments to celebrate on our own tonite (in the same spirit, we're also going to have our own Christmas Eve lunch together).

The first thing I got from Brian was a certificate for three socks that could be doubled one (1) time for one (1) kiss. I promptly exercised that option. The next thing I got was the first gift Brian's given me that made me cry: A flock of geese. Now, living in the city with two big dogs would make it challenging to raise a bunch of geese. So he arranged to have an international charity organization find a good family to place my geese in. There, they will be adopted, raised, and -- harboring no illusions here -- probably eaten after hopefully having had baby geese to continue the process. The price to them? They give one of the chicks to another family. The organization is called Heifer International. One of the things I liked best was finding out that they have some 70 active projects in the United States, something that is near and dear to my heart, as I know I do not need to cross an ocean to find true and desperate need (I don't need to walk more than five to ten minutes in any given direction from my house to find it).

He got it. He got me, and he got what I was saying about the need (not that he had never heard of need before, just that he heard what I was saying about it, and what the topic as a whole means to me). He listened. He paid attention. He researched something in keeping with what I was saying. He acted on it. I must have done something right in a past lifetime - I had the privilege of studying when I wanted to study and of studying what I wanted to study, I'm working in the work that I want to do, I'm loving the man I want to love, I'm living the life that I want to live. I rarely experience true need of my own, and continue on my journey to unlearning my wants. What more could I possibly want? I don't - I'm good. Sawl good. Merry Christmas, and any other holiday that you celebrate.

The Bestest Birthday Ever

2006-12-16T22:53:00.000-06:00

Brian and I celebrated my birthday together. On my birthday, as I'm lucky enough to do other mornings as well, I got off to a good start by waking up in his arms. I asked myself what exactly I felt like doing. That happened to be to read for a bit and then write up my X-mas cards. I didn't finish but got one group of people done. Then I felt like baking, so I gathered me things. Bri procured a few of the missing ingredients, and I made me some cookies. All day. In the meantime, Bri and I had watched this guy Alton Brown that has a cooking show and had already decided on a menu, so Bri got to cooking while I took me a nap. I woke up in time to set the table for us and throw some powdered sugar on the crazy cake. After a fabulous dinner en papillote (see entryTo all you chickadees out there ;-) dated August 19th to find out what that is), we watched a movie that I picked.

So it was my day, exactly the way I wanted it, and Brian was the best part of it. I could write a sob story about past birthdays that were not so hot; although true, they would change the focus from this year's birthday, and why would I want to do that?

Nay, my friends, I shall conclude with a simple word of gratitude to the powers that be that saw fit to grace my life with Brian's presence.

Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle

2006-12-14T07:29:00.000-06:00

So Brian and I have unwittingly worn matching outfits on at least two separate occasions. At least, we've made no conscious decision to match. Yesterday evening, after a long day of going from a conference to the office to my old office's x-mas party to brian's very nice birthday dinner to our friends' M&B's to open presents (including an unexpected and nicely-sized present for ME!!!), we're sitting on M&B's couch. And realized (or, rather, it was pointed out to us) that yet again, we were matching.

Other than talking about wearing my t-shirt that says "I ~heart~ my geek" and his that simply says "Geek" at the same time, and a couple of times double-checking our outfits before we leave to a more formal nite out (e.g., symphony) just to make sure we're not clashing, nada, as far as we know. And the time that we were supposed to wear the matching t-shirts, we forgot.

I'll interject here that a dear, dear friend and I used to match all the time. With him, it may have been telepathy or something, because we didn't coordinate or live together, so each for our own part would get dressed, then meet for lunch or dinner or something and find out that he was wearing, say, a burgundy dress shirt and I was wearing a skirt with burgundy detail or something like that. We've drifted apart these last couple of years, but for a long, long time he was an essential part of my life and was a significant influence on the parts of me that are still at my core. Thus, if Brian and I are developing that kind of energy between us, I think it would speak highly of/bode well for our relationship.

Also, if we were one of those couples (at whom I've always curled my lip up in slight derision) that chose to wear matching outfits all the time, I'd have no problem. It would be our decision, and whatever others thought (including other lip-curlers) would hold little bearing on our decision. Nevertheless, I am intrigued by this subconscious matching. I'd say it was sheer coincidence, and perhaps it is, but it'd be a pretty big coinky-dink, if you ask me. Brian got dressed first yesterday, so it could be something going on in me (I can't remember who got dressed first the last time we matched).

2 friends of ours, M&M [hey, I just realized their initials are the same as a famous chocolate company's] probably don't ever have that problem. M wears black, period, so she can wear the entire color spectrum and never clash. Bri on the other hand wears colors, so if we're going to some place where it matters a little more, I at least try to make sure we don't wear something that hurts the observer's eye.

We had already spent the entire evening with all but one of this group, including Brian and I sitting next to each other at the restaurant, but it wasn't until we were sitting on the couch that anyone noticed. Isn't that weird, too? I mean, we arrived together and sat right down at the table in the restaurant, but M&M didn't notice. By the time M&B got there, I had taken the matching sweater off, so they wouldn't have seen it. The other thing is, both times we were with this same group of friends. Maybe I/we want to match around them? Or maybe we've matched on other occasions and have just never paid attention.

So what does it all MEAN? Brian says nothing and that he wasn't embarrassed at all. He says to test it, we'd have to forget about it and then get dressed and only check it after we've gotten dressed, because if we thought about it before-hand, we'd skew the results. Heisenberg's principle says that if you measure one element, you alter the other simply by having measured it. It doesn't really matter one way or the other, frankly, and I'm probably too conscious of it now to really experiment on it.

Aaah, the absolutely trivial things in life that make you go "hmmmmmm."** The best part is that I wrote 691 words about it (up to but not including the asterisks**). But if you read it, hey, that wasn't my fault... I'm sorry readers (if any) won't get those five minutes of their life back...

The Merging

2006-11-22T21:46:00.000-06:00

In moving into Alex's place, and having it become our place, several things have occured to me.

("What?" gasps the audience. "You're moving in?"
"Yes," replies our narrator. "You obviously haven't been paying attention or are coming into the movie late. Please to start at the beginning.")

Alex is quite right about us blending our lives together. I've been de facto living with her for the last several months anyway, and it's interesting. (In that good way!) I love how we've taken lots of stuff of mine and slipped it into places in the house where it will compliment the room or the decor (You should see the JFK picture in the living room!) and not throw off the original feeling of the room. However, I got a lot of $#!+ in my apartment...and while Alex loves some things that I had in my place (like my DaVinci), some things...well...to quote Buffy: "not so much..."

(I am a geek after all...)

Instead of throwing it out, I have carte blance (well, within reason) in my own room. And that's not unlike our relationship.

Both of our personalities and characters were pretty well formed when we met. And while we blend together nicely, we still remain our own persons. We both like who we are and we don't have to change major aspects of ourselves to fit with the other. I'm very glad about that - not just for me, but for Alex as well. I would hate to change drastcally who I am to be with someone and I don't want someone to change their entire personality for me. So not only was I lucky enough to find someone smart, funny, sweet, sexy and fun...but the fact that our personalities mesh so well is...well...Alex said it before...it's like winning the lottery.

A wise man once said "I am what I am and that's all that I am." Well, I am what I am...but now that's not all that I am.

Of watery tarts and heavily armed christians

2006-11-22T11:54:00.000-06:00

So yesterday was my first real excursion into the Python world, besides the endless quipping by coworkers and Brian's references. I laughed, of course. It was funny. Course, but funny. Plus, you can't beat live theatre. God, I love it. There's something that happens that's different when it's live, different from movies. I enjoy movies quite a bit (depending on the flick itself) but the performer/audience interaction is palpable, I think. And the Fox lends itself to big-ticket shows with lots of flashy mechanics and stage props. Some would say, theatre at its best. It made me think of the summer in college that I babysat for a couple that worked on the Phantom - stage crew of some kind. As part of my payment, they gave me a couple of primo seats to the show.

We had better seats last nite. It's not that the seats I got that time for the Phantom weren't supposedly in one of the best areas - it's just that I really like the height of the balcony. You don't want to be in nosebleeds, obviously, but I really like to have an overview of the whole stage, particularly in a large production such as this one in which so, so much is going on. So our seats were great - they gave us just enough of the overview while being close enough to actually see the actors' faces, gestures, and so forth.

To digress and counter my own point, I think the most powerful theatrical experience I had was a show put on by a friend and his erstwhile "B-side" theatre company. The stage was a demarcated square in the center of a church hall around which several rows of folding chairs were placed. I could have leaned forward and touched the actors at some points. It was about a man that was coming out, I think, and how he deals with his own emotions when his gay lover (or friend?) is beaten by some particularly unenlightened young men in a dark alley or something. I don't remember the details of the plot well, but the controversial subject matter and the intensity of seeing the actors' emotions up close and personal (some of whom may not have been acting - I had the distinct feeling that they were well-acquainted with a number of the issues in their own lives) was... powerful, there's no other word for it.

But that was not last night - the whole play was fun, no other word for that, either, altough I was frankly a little uncertain about the song describing how you can't make it on Broadway without Jewish involvement. As I write this, I don't know if it was anti-semitic or not. I mean, substitute the words for any other ethnic group and it would probably cause demonstrations, picketing or riots. Not that I don't support free speech, and I'm told the author is Jewish, but still, I think that number treads a fine line. I did not laugh at that one.

Heavy thoughts aside, what made me enjoy the evening the most? Was it just the fact that it was theatre, and I like it so much? Was it going to the Fox (theatre of theatres, and a real treat because of its history in the city) again with Brian? Yes. Was it finally experiencing Pythonique humor? Particularly because it's something that Bri enjoys so much? Yes. Was it that I did, in fact, enjoy the show? Yes. Was it the feeling of being out on the town with my baby? Yes. Was it just being with Brian, whether we are sitting at home, each with our heads in our own books, in quiet companionship or out on a date? Indubitably.

So my score, as a whole: 9 out of 10, in its category. Although I resist the thought of becoming a true Montyite (mostly because I don't like being a "fan" -- short for fanatic -- of anything), I may have to check out a little bit more of this material.

Spamalot!

2006-11-21T13:20:00.000-06:00

So tonite is Spamalot, the Tony award winning musical based on Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail. We've had tickets since like August, and not only are Alex and I going, but I know Rob and Janet and I think Mike and Bridge are going. Woohoo! Big group!

I love the theatre. If I was sure it would pay, I would be an actor...a very mediocre actor. I would ASPIRE to be the guy on the heat pad commercial saying "I can really feel it working!" Anyway...

I also love going to the theatre with Alex. We've been to Les Miserables already, which I have seen like 4 times. (See Les Miserables, this blog) This would have been the first time I saw Spamalot, except...

On Halloween Night, Alex came home and said "Hey, my mom has an extra ticket to the opening night of Spamalot tonight...I have class...do you want to go with her?"

So I did go out, just me and Dr. Johnson, to the theatre. It was very nice company and the production was so fun. Different enough that if you saw Holy Grail you'll catch a lot, but a lot of new stuff as well.

Anywho, tonight it will be more fun 'cause I'm dressed up with my babydoll next to me. I cannot wait.

We're knights of the Round Table
We dance whene'er we're able
We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and Spam-a-lot!

We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are for-mi-dable
But many times we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able
We're opera mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot!

In war we're tough and able
Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable
Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in Camelot

I have to push the pram a lot!

ARTHUR: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.

Brian's room

2006-11-20T09:13:00.000-06:00

So my house has 3 bedrooms. Small, but there they are. One is the master, and the other two have been used at times as the home office or the TV room or the guest room. Most recently, the 2nd largest room was the guest room, and my friend Màire (Gaelic, pronounced "Moira") stayed there for a few months during a transitional period for her.

That room has now become Brian's room. Having gotten all the structural stuff over (computer, desk, shelves, and so forth), he recently spent time putting up lots of wall decoration. Those of you that know Brian will recall his no-square-inch-left-bare policy for decorating. Well, there are a few inches of wall here and there that have nothing on them. Brian tells me he's working furiously to remedy the situation.

Of course, there's some tongue in cheek here, but in all honesty, I quite enjoyed his apartment. We're both feeling some pangs about leaving it behind -- I would imagine Bri more so than me, but really, it was a great place. I don't know that there was a specific item or theme or anything that I could point to that stood out, although there were several pieces that I coveted almost from the beginning (e.g., his Kennedy picture; the Vitruvian Man; his space stuff; his "War Between the Worlds" poster). It was more the fact that his stuff really reflected HIM (his tastes, interests, etc.) and the mood that he set in the place.

Anyway, now that his room is more like him, and since I like him, it's almost a foregone conclusion that I would like the room. There are boxes and boxes and boxes of comics. There are posters and posters and posters on the wall. There are action figures and diplomas and an L-shaped computer desk that takes up a third of the wall space. His lucky bamboo is here. There's an overflowing trashcan... That part I don't find so endearing, but the whole composition is him, through and through, and I love him as he is. Isn't that convenient? I think it would be difficult to make any relationship last that started off with the premise that one or both have to radically change who or how that are just to be together. Not that I am perfect or that Bri is perfect but we really do complement each other well and appreciate both the virtues and the flaws in each other. At least -- so far, so good. ;-) ;-)

Back to the room: as I like the mood of the apartment, I like the mood of the room. And I love that blending our lives has not meant that he's lost himself or that I've lost myself. Throughout the rest of the house we're taking the best of our worlds and mixing them in together, but I also have my own little corners still preserved: My walk-in-closet-turned-computer room and my walk-in closet. I firmly believe that physical space reflects what's happening inside of us, and I like how the scales are balancing out between us. I hope he does, too.

That's when you know he really loves u

2006-11-14T10:25:00.000-06:00

So, who ever knows another person's heart? Unless you've held him over a volcano's edge, you may never truly know what they're thinking.

Well, I'm in my home (increasingly, OUR home) typing on Bri's computer. Now this is a gizmo that he himself put together, from scratch. Runs perfectly, has gobs and gobs of memory, and two big, pretty monitors. Yes, Brian's monitors are VERY BIG (there, honey, that's a plug for you ;-) ;-) ).
In any case, he brought one of his cordless phones over, too.

I think that's when you know a guy is really serious about you - when he brings his male toys (no, not sexual toys) and leaves them in your space. Especially something as permanent as his pompooter (computer) and his phone. When it's techno-toys, it's the real McCoy, no doubt about it.

"Normal"

2006-11-14T09:41:00.000-06:00

Being "normal" has never really been a goal of mine, so that's not what I'm talking about. What I mean by normal in this blog entry is a normal lifestyle. Ever heard of the curse, "May you live in exciting times"? Well, 2005 was very "exciting" for me - my sister was going through a nasty divorce. She could call her lawyer for $$ per 15-minute phone consult, or she could call her little sister for free. Take a wild guess. Plus, I'd like to think that I offered support and friendship as well. That situation, coupled with my mother's two hospitalizations and a heavy load at work, made 2005 a year that continues to go down in infamy. In fact, haven't I blogged about this before?

Anyway, this year has been exciting, but in the positive meaning of the word, because Bri entered my life. Granted, his father's health (and unfortunately, he's gone now) was/is one of life's challenges that we had to make it through early in the relationship and now my mom's going through something medical (but planned, so not as much of a crisis situation)... But things feel like they're settling into a routine. Bri's bringing more and more stuff over (in fact, his apartment doesn't feel like home so much anymore) and our schedule -- particularly with class 4 nights a week for me -- is intense but tolerable (besides just being tired a lot lot lot). Some day I'll probably fight that and blog about getting us out of a rut but for right now, getting to "normal" as far as the daily daily is concerned feels good. In fact, I want more of it. I want to continue to settle in, continue to stabilize. It feels good and warm and cozy, which is very nice as we're moving in to the winter season. Think hot chocolate, cozy blanket, book on the sofa, while it's icky outside - that's how he makes me feel.

And there are plenty of positive exciting moments -- such as when we got home last nite and Brian revealed the lingerie he had picked up for me while we had stopped in a clothing store for something I was looking for. Apparently, while I was in the dressing room trying stuff on, he plotted with the sales woman to covertly buy some items and then conceal them under his jacket. Focused as I was on my own particular errand, I knew nothing of it until we arrived at home, and voilà! a beautiful set of lacy stuff was set before me.

First, I love the suprise factor (no special occasion, just an "I love you"). Second, I love the covert operation factor. Third, I love that he actually picked something that really goes well with my coloring, plus in a style of stuff that I will feel comfortable in and he will like to see me in - the perfect combination! Mmmmmm: Baump-shiki-baump-baump.

I'm writing this entry in a stream-of-conciousness fashion, but him picking up something that suits me brings me to something else: Bri really listens. The other day, we were looking at some stuff in a store and I made some comments about, "Well, I prefer this style or that detail." You know, whatever, I wasn't even paying attention. He was making his own comments, too, as we went, and we were just chatting as we were going. Well, a couple of days later, he was surfing the web, apparently looking for what I had been talking about. I know he listens but that was a very clear example of it, and it was nice. I hope I listen as well to him. If I treat him half as well as he treats me, I'll know I'm doing a good job in our relationship. I love you, Bri. And I look forward to continue combining our worlds and weaving one new life together.

Six

2006-11-10T15:54:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was our 6-month anniversary...
Or our "sixth monthaversary..."
or our "Half-anniversary..."
or our "Halfversary..."
or our "Anniv..."

I know a lot of you are saying "wow, big whoop...6 months..."

Well, for me, it is a huge deal. I've never dated anyone for more than 4 months until I met Alex. And every month, every day...every minute I love her more.

Alas, we didn't get to spend too much of it together - she had class that evening (well, she has class EVERY day...ba-dum-bump) and didn't get home until 9ish.

Now keep in mind that we think certain things are very cool that others may think are pretty bland...I just want everyone to know that when I say what we gave and got.

I got a tie.
She got a pen.

See - I know everyone is furrowing their brow saying "what the hell kind of halfversary presents are those?"

I love ties...I have a very large collection of them and wear them to work most days. I love getting new and cool ties - and this one was very cool - showing ancient maps and star charts, picked up at the USS Constitution in Boston. Sorry - I couldn't find a picture of the exact tie I got. :(

She has a thing for pens - and I'm not talking Bic here - I mean one of those "don't lend to other people so they don't walk off with it" "price of a fairly decent dinner for two" kind of pens. She got it and immediately started writing with it...one of the lines was "I don't think I'll speak again - I will write everything down with my new wonderful pen." This is actually, the exact pen she got.

Anyway, today is the first day of our next six months together. I cannot wait until the beginning of the six after that...and the six after that...and the six-hundred after that...

Sick and Tired

2006-11-03T15:10:00.000-06:00

...and tired of being sick.

Okay, this is now the second time that both Alex and I are sick at the same time.

Here's what happened. Saturday, we were both in Salem, MA as part of our Boston trip. How was Beantown, you ask? Well, that's another blog entry....

Anyway, we get up to Salem and a nice steady rain has been going on for about 5 hours now. Not heavy, but steady. We park the car and run to the Salem Witch Museum where Alex was pressed against the wall and I was standing in front of her to block as much of the rain as I could with myself.

"Why the hell would you stand outside when it was raining?" one might ask. Well, the line went out the door. Halloween weekend in Salem is the busiest time of their year, of course.

So Saturday evening, when driving back to Boston (I was taking the, ahem, scenic route) my throat started to feel scratchy and the next day, I was feeling pretty miserable. I started to take some Tylenol cold medicine (which is really good stuff!) on Monday. Tuesday, Alex started to feel pretty lousy as well.

Today I'm feeling pretty good...but I know I'm not 100%, no sir, not by a longshot. Alex sounds worse than she is, but still is feeling yucky.

When we ran up to the Museum, the doorkeeper was standing outside and looked at us. He said, in a thick Boston accent: "No umbrella....no overcoat.......no comment."

Yeah, didn't see this one coming...

Of beans, ghosts, and wearing red

2006-10-30T18:17:00.000-06:00

So, I went to a conference last week, and Brian went with me. It was my first time sharing a professional event with significant other.

Seldom have I been to a more interesting place as Boston. I have seen lots of old edifices, grand cathedrals and the like. But this was MY history, and it had personal meaning because of that. Plus, it's just intellectually interesting - like the MIT study that was recently performed to test this supposedly haunted spot in the harbor where a lighthouse master and his family drowned (all except one daughter, that was waiting on the shore for the family to arrive and watched the tragedy occur). The MIT team's equipment supposedly went crazy when they got to the specific spot.

And Salem - jeez! What a creepy place. All this commercialism attempts to gloss over the events that transpired there over the centuries (of course, the witch hunts, but also all the pirating and the criminals that were hanged and the people that died of the plague or the pox or some other catastrophe, natural or otherwise) but if you stop and sense for a moment the residual energy that is still there... Well, we left at nightfall.

Going to the conference during the day and having my honey waiting for me when I got out was something that I would definitely like to do again. The only hard part was going to "school" while he was out galavanting around, taking in the sights. Luckily, the conference was really interesting, so as soon as things would get started, I was fine, but on breaks I kept thinking about Brian and calling him to find out what he was doing. Then we'd have the whole evening together, debriefing over dinner and visiting some other site before returning to our B&B. Really, really good feeling. As I said, I liked that.

I found out I ____ ABHOR___ lobster. At least when it's served whole, so you can see the head and the eyes and the antennae and the legs, and when you have to touch the bug shell to get the meat. Dear God, my stomach lurches even now as I write and remember. On to the next topic.

GOOOOOOOO CARDS!!!!!!!!!!

After catching a little bit of the beginning of the game at Cheers (the second one that they put in Faneuil Hall, not the real one that looks like the bar from the outside but doesn't on the inside), we went on a nighttime tour of the haunted parts of Boston (again, murders and plagues and such). Brian's gizmo that he can text-message and receive updates on had a half-hour lag time, so I called my friend Ed (who I knew would be watching the game unless he was under a surgeon's knife or incarcerated) to catch up on the score. Then we had just left the cemetery where Paul Revere, Sam Adams, and the 5 victims of the Boston Massacre (among many other names of greater or lesser renown) are buried when we walked past a bar that had a TV facing the window. A fellow tourist pointed at the TV and sure enough - Cards were jumping up and down and fireworks were going off. I brought it to Bri's attention and we hooted and hollered some. We were in an American League city, though, so the others around us didn't seem that excited. Plus, it was bloody cold and we had to get back on the trolley.

On Sunday, I watched the parade and rally on TV. Having gotten up at 4 a.m. and traveled for 8 1/2 hours, I just didn't have the energy to personally join in the revelry. And, as many of my coworkers, I wore red today to work.

I don't think we won against the Mets because we played that well in the playoffs; rather, they didn't really shine. But during the Series - boy, it was just good ball. Both teams did their best, and fortunately STL gets to celebrate, but really, it was just good ball.

My turn: By the Same Token

2006-10-18T08:55:00.000-05:00

So I spent last weekend (and I do mean most of the weekend) organizing all this crap in my basement. Most of my more recent stuff was in OK shape for regular storage, but there were all these boxes of stuff that I had left over at my mom's when I moved out. She finally asked me to clean out my old closet, at least a little bit, so a long term guest could use it. I didn't think it was fair to keep clogging up her space, so a couple of friends and I brought the crap over and dumped the boxes in this one part of my basement. It's stuff that I haven't touched in years, so needless to say, I reduced about a third of it down from 7 boxes to 1 (keeping gifts from my now deceased grandmother, for example, but pitching or taking the rest to Goodwill). I've still got much work to do but Brian's at least got one whole wall that he can put his shelves and boxes up against. More space will eventually exist.

The point of this blog, though, is not to talk about just the procedural or logistical aspects of moving in together. It's actually to talk about something that I recognized was happening with Brian's new presence in my life. I've noticed before all the things he is bringing in to my life - cool friends, frequent theatre visits, and so forth. But what I saw this weekend, too, was this wonderful opportunity to get rid of stuff as well. I mean, of all the reasons one could have to go through musty, dusty boxes, isn't the fact that you're doing it 'cause you've fallen in love with someone and that someone has fallen in love with you and is now moving in so you need more space in the basement an absolutely great reason to have to go through musty, dusty boxes?

And I don't think the whole outward flow of crap has to stop with boxes and papers that Lord only knows why I kept in the first place. I think I can use this as a wonderful opportunity to let go of some emotional baggage, too. I haven't figured out exactly how I would do that, or what I would let go of, but hey - I really, really like the idea. It's the concept: he's bringing great things to my life by being in it, and by the same token, is leading to the release of not so good stuff. He's doing the same thing, too, by giving away some of his old books and things. We're both making room for each other.

I have to say, I feel a great sense of relief at relieving myself of items, paring down, as it were. And if I can somehow parlay the experience into a metabolization of emotional or spiritual debris as well, then double-kudos to Brian for entering my life.

Boston!

2006-10-17T23:57:00.000-05:00

We're going to Boston!

Our second big multi-day trip in our relationship...and we're flying 'cross country!

I've always wanted to go to the northeast, and now, due to fortunate timing of a legal conference that Alex is going to, we are...

We had a chance to do this before...but then it was July, and it wasn't in Beantown, it was in Miami. I ask you, other than crocodiles and nightclubs, what is there to do in Miami in July? (And no, sweating to death is not an activity!)

So instead of going to 110 degree Miami in July, we're going to (at last check) 40 degree Boston in October. At least the leaves will be pretty and no crocodiles...LOL. I joke, but Boston will be so great, and even better that my baby is there with me.

Now as a topper to this post, how 'bout we get a little red dot on our map somewhere, say, around Cape Cod... :)

Moving in

2006-10-15T15:01:00.000-05:00

Wow.

So I'm moving in with Alex.

Can I say "wow" again? I can? Cool. "Wow."

:)

I've been slowly moving my stuff over to Alex's place (now, our place) a little at a time. I've got about half my comics (and anyone who actually knows me knows I got a sh**load of 'em.), most of my clothes, and almost all of my books. Of the "little stuff," I would say I'm about 50% or so moved in. We're going to move the big stuff (TV, bed, computer, etc) probably the end of January, (although maybe the end of November, depending on how things go...) and hoping to make this a very easy move.

Ummmm...I guess this means that I've been spending most of my free time with Alex...in case no one noticed the subtle, errr, I mean, obvious signs....

I've only moved twice in my life, and I'm hoping that this will be the easiest one yet. In moving a little at a time, by every time I swing by my place, I grab a couple of boxes of something and swing it by our place.

Wow, again....just saying our place sounds so good.

So anyway, by the time January hits, I'm hoping that there will be a few tables, the sofas and maybe the TV and computer...and this move will take about 2 hours for me and my friends.
Anyone who knows me also knows I got a lot of stuff...and the question is...if my stuff barely fit into my place....how in the hell will it all fit into our place?

Well, we've actually been kind of working with that...trying to place this thing and that...and I think we've found a way to fit most of my stuff in our place without it looking too terribly cluttered. Lots of stuff pitched...lots of stuff in the basement...etc...

My apartment looks so empty now....there's no books and a couple of bookshelves are missing...and every time I'm over there it doesn't feel like home anymore.

Alex's house...the house where I will soon live, is feeling like home.

I first felt this way a few months ago, I was just standing in her kitchen and the place felt...I don't know...it just felt right...it was a very weird (but extremely nice) feeling...

And now I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be living.

Like Lord John Whorfin once said: "Home is-a where you wear your hat...."

So I guess right now, as I'm blogging this from the upstairs bedroom at Alex's house...I'm home.

So much, so much!

2006-10-03T03:19:00.000-05:00

So much has happened since my last entry. I've been very busy at work, sadly, Brian's dad passed away, we hosted our first BBQ together. There just has been no time or energy to blog...

More and more of Bri's things are slowly but surely making their way over here, and none of them heading back. In some ways, it's amusing that we've led such parallel lives. In others, it seems like that much more evidence that we're meant for each other. But it is a little funny to see that we have the same bowls and stuff... A little twilight-zoney. Then we talk about some project or another that we have going, and our differences come to light - just enough to keep things interesting. I still don't think we've had an argument - the closest we've ever come was some tension over where the sofa might go in the TV room some five weeks ago. Other than that, smooth sailin'.

I may have mentioned it before, but one of the things I really enjoy about dating Brian is what he brings to my life - culture, politics, friends. Take trivia nights, for example. I've been to one or two over the years, but a group of friends of his get together about once a month or maybe every couple of months (several times a year) to go to some trivia night or another. They're frequently associated with good causes. For example, we just went to one that benefitted the Shakespeare theatre company. And you know what? We have a lot of fun - if somebody knows the answer, you surreptitiously communicate it to the others (can be by hand signal, huddling as close as possible to whisper, jotting it down on a note pad and showing it to the others). It's all very clandestine-like, as you don't want to tip off the other players! Plus, there are frequently silent auctions, and some of them have good stuff... Point being, it's a great way to spend a few hours.

Oh, I almost forgot. TAKE ME OUT TO THE BAAAAALLGAME! Yep, I finally made it to the new stadium. Bri got free last-minute tickets through his sister (which reminds me, did we ever call to say thank you?), so we ran home, let the dogs out, changed into more comfortable clothes (team colors for me), and had an absolute blast. First off, I don't know if it was a good idea fiscally for the city or not, but whoever designed the new ball park definitely did a nice job. Plus, the weather was great (crisp, cool fall weather) but not too cold, and the game was hot. It wasn't one of those mind-numbing pitchers' battles, that are 1-0 bottom of the 8th. Nope, this one had double and triple plays, home runs, and classic sliding-into-the-base-with-dust-flying, all-American baseball. It was a great date at the end of a long week, and as we left, I even got my fifth monthiversary present early: pink team memorabilia...

And did I mention the symphony? We stepped out with good friends, Rob and Janet, for opening weekend. The music was very enjoyable, but I don't think our current conductor is going to be here for long. He doesn't seem to fit in with the local color. Nice guy, and excellent music (of course - it is our symphony, after all) but he just doesn't seem like he's from around here or shares our values, type of thing. I don't know how to explain it. And his music selection seemed a little unusual, too.

How did I get so lucky? Blessed with love, family, and friends? All in good health (knock on wood)? A good career, and decent officemates? I am grateful, and thank the universe.