San Fran separation

It's a little scary how difficult it was to be far away from Brian, this soon.

Don't get me wrong, I had a great time with my sister - I had four absolute musts on my list; we got to all of them and much more. Plus, it was really, really nice to see my sister doing so well. Last year was difficult for both of us, with her going through unnecessarily lengthy and contentious litigation due to her [insert your most unfavorable descriptor here] ex-husband's lack of a) reason, b) penis size, and c) psychoemotional health. Although she had an attorney in Chicago handling the divorce, she could call her at some $65 a call or $250 an hour to ask questions, or she could call her little sister. I can't tell you how much in overage fees I spent on my cell last year. Regardless, whether I was wearing my sister, friend or lawyer hat, I was glad that both my personal and professional skills were of some avail to someone I care for. There is truly nothing better than that for me.

So it was really, really cool to see her healthy and centered. She's an incredibly intelligent and articulate woman and I love having her (along with my other ones) as my sister. I think that's the worst thing she can do to that repugnant man - succeed in life. Which she is doing, in spades, and this trip was her thank-you gift to me.

In the meantime, though, I pined for Brian. I actually pined. Sophomoric, I know, but what can I say? Maybe it's because we've been talking a lot lately about traveling together, so I could readily imagine him there with me. Maybe it's because sleeping in the crook of Brian's arm feels like my soul is at home, and I missed that. I don't know. I don't know where this will all lead, in the long run, but now, in the present moment, I can't imagine being without Brian.

God, does that sound like a stalker? Or does it sound like someone developing serious feelings for someone? It's so soon! Maybe the answer to that depends on what we each do with the feelings, i.e., hurt or complement each other. To my knowledge, there's no hurting going on, so I guess it's feelings developing.

Perhaps it's just the initial infatuation? My parents were married for over three decades. I'd bet every penny I owe for law school (aw, heck, let's throw in the credit cards, too) that they'd be married now but for my father's death. Throughout the years, they checked in with each other a couple of times a day - a quick call here and there, maybe run out to lunch together, that type of thing. I'm not being pollyanna-ish, as they had their good and not so good moments (over the course of three decades, at least a couple of issues popped up), but I should be so lucky. Maybe I don't want to "normalize." Maybe I don't want to get to the point now, in a month, or in a decade, that the difference between life with or without Brian is of no consequence to me. I want to want to talk to him, to be with him, tell him how my day went, laugh or console when I hear about his day. I guess all I can count on is what I have now. Since that is what I have now, it's absolutely good enough for me.