So about these weddin' plans (warning: heavy stuff)

Well, we have the church and the reception site. Actually, we have had for some time. When Brian and I started talking about moving in, we talked about getting married, or at least the possibility thereof. Maybe it's because I'm not 19 anymore, I think I needed to have a context to the decision to move in with someone. So we talked about it, and fortunately, both of us saw long-term potential, even likelihood, in the relationship.

We started talking about when. I've always wanted a fall wedding, but we also considered spring. I threw my dad's birthday out (Sept. 15), because I'd like to honor him in some way, as well as Larry. Well, it turned out that his birthday is in the fall, too, so we picked a the closest Saturday in between the two dads' birthdays. It also turned out that that'll be 18 months after we met. We also considered some spring dates of significance (we started dating in April, for example). Brian decided he preferred the fall date, and I was OK with that.

Well, that led us to the where. Neither one of us was really ready to commit (think: "Oh, we've been dating three WHOLE months!!! Let's get married NOW!!!). I don't think so. But we have a large group [note: I want a small wedding but it's really important to Brian to have is whole, extended family with us on that important day] and stuff books up in this city fairly early unless you want to pay mucho dinero so I told Brian if we really wanted a fall wedding, we should at least research locations, etc. Our primary criterion right after size and availability became refundable deposits. We researched and researched and then Brian found this fab place that is totally St. Louis and unique (as in there is only one in the entire world), right size, right price, right choices -- just perfect. Knock on wood.

Now we get to the whole church thing. Both of us assumed initially that it would probably be a Catholic wedding, and we do have a church selected, where (if I had to lay down money today) we will probably get married. We picked it because it's not his childhood parish or mine - neutral territory, as it were. Because good, good friends of ours (of his and mine, and it turns out they know each other) are parishioners there, we have positive memories of it from a variety of events we have attended over the years, and few or no negative associations with it (like I do, with my former parish - see below). It's also a beautiful church, so it won't need a lot of decorating, and is large enough for our group. It's in a part of the city that we both chose to live in years ago (long before we met), so it's a choice that's meaningful to both of us. I don't remember which one of us came up with it...

But here's the rub: Although both of us were raised Catholic (yes, with a capital "c"), Brian's a declared agnostic. Hmmm... agnostic/church wedding. Agnostic/church wedding. Hmm... Plus, we have some serious concerns with the Church's teachings. For example, neither one of us equates homosexuality with pedophilia. I am really, really opposed to the idea of switching pedophiles from one pool of victims to another (oops, I meant from one parish to another). Promoting Cardinal Law to Rome (and yes, I view his new position in Rome as a promotion) was a slap in the face. When my former parish (St. Cronan's) was one of the local parishes to have its priest removed due to the sexual abuse scandal and its repercussions, a bishop stood in full regalia in our church and denied that the payoffs to the families were payoffs. Now, the church's lawyers saying stuff like that in the press or in their legal responses to accusations have a different impact on me. Not particularly savory, but hey - they're lawyers. But for a man of the cloth to stand in the house of God and lie brings the issue to a whole new level with which human laws and liability issues have little to do. And when lawyers are more mindful than men of the cloth of things such as truth and honor and integrity and respect and morality and the terra sancta they happen to be treading, then the world has definitely gone a little topsy-turvy. I say the Church and at least some of its leaders have lost sight of some very important things that it would behoove them to reflect upon occasionally.

This is a topic that, quite honestly, I would probably reserve for my own blog or my handwritten journal. But it's a conversation that Brian and I have been having for some time, one that is not resolved. A year ago, I did not consider myself Catholic. Or catholic. But when we started thinking and talking about possibly getting married, I thought, "So what, I'm not going to have my kids baptized? I'm not gonna have an advent calendar?"

I'm not an atheist or an agnostic - been there, did that in late teens and college. So I believe in God. I also believe in spiritual communities and the power of human energy that is different when we come together as opposed to solitary expression of anything - faith, anger, joy, celebration. I also enjoy activities. My niece is applying to a local catholic high school and honestly, I'm thinking about the cool things I'll get to do in helping her out, not just homework stuff but the volunteering projects, etc.

Today, after we got done with the latest phase of moving [almost done!!!] and while I took a nap, Brian spent over 2 hours researching what it means to be Catholic. There's a difference between "de fide" matters and others that are disciplinary or doctrinal, but not obligatory like the "de fide" ones. They're summarized in the Nicaean (aka Nicene) Creed, but once I woke up, we reviewed 13 pages of .5 margin/single-spaced/size 10 font material to take a good look at this stuff together.

Basically, I think we've decided to take the classes. For one thing, we both would like to do some kind of structured review of marital issues to try to make sure we've talked about as much stuff as we can, to identify any issues, whether it's Catholic or not. But if we are able to reconcile ourselves with some of our issues with the Church, I believe we would be very happy getting married at Pius. Actually, I'm not sure reconciling ourselves with this stuff is required - it's an internal dialogue that we are having...

Another thing- Isn't the reason to have a wedding as opposed to eloping the idea of making this commitment in front of your community? Well, our community is largely Catholic. Not that they wouldn't come (although some might not) if we were married say by a judge but still, it's yet another factor.

Plus, people that I know and love and trust are Catholic. So I'm loathe to chuck the whole bit and make a decision I would later regret.

You know, I really wish my parents had just raised me to be a Christmas catholic that didn't really care and didn't really think about all this and it was all just bla bla bla. But if I am standing before God and my community, I'd sure like to be telling the truth when I say what I'm going to say. There's a part of me that wishes I could just sashay down the aisle and then flounce out of church with my rice or bells or bubbles or whatever the hell and worry more about the color of my damn ribbon than the whole spiritual significance of the thing. But my dad was the first lay catholic theology teacher at SLU, back in the day. He spent the last 27 years of his life as editor of the Social Justice Review and director of the Zentral Verein. My mom is a professor. What are the odds that I'm just gonna be blasé blasé about this stuff?? And Brian's roots are the same - his family is chock full of eucharistic ministers. Waddya gonna do? We can't not think about it.

But would we not be telling the truth if we stood in a Catholic Church and got married? I mean, Brian and I will (God willing) commit to a life together. That will presumably not change whether it's a JOP in a courtroom or an officiant in a park or a church.

On the other hand, why not just get married somewhere else? I'm only speaking for myself at this point. What is pulling me toward a Catholic wedding when I have so many unresolved issues with the Church? I guess I don't want to be the heathen slut that took Brian away from the fold, from what I assume might be his family's perspective. He says they know that he's an agnostic, but they didn't bat an eye when we said Pius. I don't know that he's really discussed it much with them over the years.

Plus, I don't want to regret it. Years from now, I don't want to look back, and wish I had had a church wedding. Does there need to be anything else? We've chosen other stuff for the wedding based on a variety of criteria - maybe what I just said is enough to choose a Catholic location. Maybe we don't need to over-think this stuff...

I have to think there is some kind of way to be spiritually active and yet avoid the bigotry, sexism, denial, racism, war-mongering, and homophobia that seems to be associated with the Church AT TIMES. But I don't think my ultra Catholic dad was like that, or my mom. Maybe it's a sign of the times, more of a temporary leadership issue, rather than the whole Church? I just keep going round and round with these issues, and lots of hours of conversation and research haven't led to a nice, easy solution, and Brian and I are usually so good at resolving things. AAAAGH.

But we can't very well criticize Church leaders for not thinking about things and then do the same thing ourselves. It's like criticizing political leaders and then not voting. Helloooo. Participatory process here.... I guess we'll just take the classes and see what kind of dialogue we can establish with our priest(s). Fortunately, we've got some good ones. So I'll think with this brain that God/the greater power gave me, and will pray with this faith that my parents gave me, and will hope with this love in my heart that Brian gave me, and will trust with the ever-strengthening bond that we are giving each other that all will be well. And try to set my type-A planning personality to a low hum, if I can, while we work this out. And breathe. I have to remember to breathe.