The Bubble Test

Actually, it's called the Focus Test. But you fill out bubbles with a #2 pencil, I guess, just like when you take a test at school, if it's that kind of test. This test will tell Brian and me if we are compatible. I am worried that we'll get a bad grade. Why, you say, are there problems between you two that we don't know about? Nope, I say, just my ordinary performance issues. I remember the first (and last) time I got a C+ in grade school. My mom called me downstairs. Unsuspectingly, I bounced down the stairs but as I rounded the landing and saw my parents sitting sternly waiting for me, positioned exactly as these people are here (although my parents would have been much younger than this couple at the time), and my mind started racing - what did I do? I couldn't for the LIFE of me remember breaking anything! A vase? A dish? What then?? I paced my steps to cross the rather large front hallway as slooooowly as possible. I had to explain why a student such as myself had gotten a C+.

I never had to have that conversation again. My dad died, and my GPA went down from a 9.9 to a 9.3 (out of 10, in my high school). I had to work through all manner of things in college and grad school(s) but that was never reflected in my grades.

Performance is essential. Or not. I've tried over the years to work out some of my psychoemotional kinks relating to this issue, but it's a little like prying something out of a cold, dead hand - that stuff is deeply embedded in my soul.

Anywho, Brian and I have struggled with the religion issue. When we decided to get married, I thought it was just about getting married, but it turns out that it's actually a pretty significant public ritual solemnizing an important event in two people's lives. I mean, we will actually be making a statement on all levels. Hopefully, the ceremony will state that we are more focused on the true meaning of the event and less so on bells, whistles, and ribbons. Hopefully, the reception will reflect our focus on fun and family get-togethers. Hopefully, our wedding ritual itself will say a lot about who we are as people... I mean, I didn't know it was that big of a deal -- I thought we were mainly making a statement to each other -- but it does involve others. This is not to say that our decisions should be made on others' preferences; only that we will be making statements whether we want to or not, so we should take care that we don't communicate something we don't want to. Ultimately, the choice of what to communicate or not is up to us, but I don't want to unwittingly or carelessly communicate something that I don't want to...

So back to the test, tomorrow nite. I'm actually excited, and that really outweighs the trepidation. It's the first formalized marital prep things we're doing. All along, we've wanted to do some structured prep no matter where we got married, and now we're doing it. We'll be talking to a priest who will hopefully also handle our formal pre-cana "talks" and then we'll do the engaged encounter and natural family planning things. Or maybe he won't require them. We don't really know yet. He's a new priest, as the other gentleman handling our pre-cana didn't work out (see our entry about that issue). It won't be our priest friend in California 'cause he's far away. It's the priest at Cronan's, Gerry Kleba.

Anyway, he wants us to do the test first and then we'll talk about whether he'll do marriage prep or not. I think he didn't want to commit to giving his blessing on the wedding if the test showed we were diametrically opposed to each other on all major issues. That does tie in a little bit to my ordinary feelings of performance pressure (it's not anxiety, because I do well on tests and have all my life - it's just the knowledge that no other option is acceptable), but more than anything, it feels good. If something comes up, we'll talk about it, just like we do about everything else that has come up this last year. It's something beautiful and touching and full of hope and our love for each other, that counters some of the ugliness this week.

In memoriam