Sleeping with Brian

First, I am not speaking metaphorically. That is, when I say "sleeping," I mean actually sleeping, not having sex.

Second, this one's gonna bust the schmarmometer, so if you're not inclined, don't read on.

So, sleeping - a state of relative unconsciousness, right? Where true feelings might be expressed, although typically in non-verbal fashion?

Well, Brian and I snuggle. I know we've commented on this before; it just amazes me when I wake up knowing that I've cozied up to Brian the whole night. If he turns, I turn, that type of thing, but we stay connected.

I've never slept this way with someone before - it feels so right, so natural, so good. Usually, I push away from the other person. Not kick them off the bed or anything, but just needing more space. Like space between us.

With Brian, my head rests on his arm most of the night, and I have my back snuggled up against him, or I'm turning toward him, with my head on his arm resting in the crook of his shoulder.

So we continue to express our deep and growing affection when we're unconscious - gotta be some true feelings there. Brian, I say affection, not love, because I think that's the emotion that carries a couple through time. Friendship, trust, affection are the strands that, woven together, make up love, in my mind. Now that I think about it, though, there's gotta be trust when you're sleeping with someone, too, because it's a very vulnerable state, so I'll throw that in as well. Well, really, there's gotta be friendship, too, because I tend not to relax around enemies. Hmmm... Aw, what the heck, I guess it's just love, no matter which way you slice it.

I love you, darling, in my sleep, and in my waking hours. 24/7.

Synchronicity

Okay, now that's just strange...

Last night, Alex posted an entry about how wonderful our relationship is, ending it with the phrase: "Brian, I love you. There. I said it out in the open, on our blog. In 'public,' as it were."

This blog entry was posted at 19:34. Half Past Seven.

At that time, I was with my friend Rob at the Cardinals game. There is a new feature at the park where (for $2.99) you can text a message and it will show up on one of the electronic signage around the park. The messages pop up for about 15 seconds, but still, everyone in the stadium can see them.

Rob sent a message, but we're pretty sure "Fire Izzy!" was censored. :)

I sent one as well. About the same time Alex posted that message on our blog. Mine read: "Alex, I love you! <3 Y.S. Brian"

How's that for being in tune with the one you love? :)

Life's little bends

Have you ever suddenly come around a corner in life, and found yourself in a whole new place? A mere few weeks ago, I did not know Brian. Never met him, never heard of him. And here I am now, beginning and ending my day with him (either on the phone or in person), and talking/emailing in between. It's no real surprise that we would fall for each other, because, after all, we have a lot in common. I mean, we both were raised Roman Catholic, neither of us fully espouses catholicism/Catholicism at this time, he went to SLU High and Undergrad, I went to SLU Undergrad and Grad, we're both sociopolitical liberals... We share movies, walks, hanging out with friends. It's therefore not all that surprising that we would like each other.

The thing is, we've lived about a mile from each other for the last seven years. So the twist in the plot is that we made contact in the first place. A further twist is the intangible connection, that which cannot be expressed neatly with words - the emotion. That which may or may not be there, even when people match well on paper, and which is so strong as to almost be tangible with Brian and me. We speak of the now and of the future. I don't feel like I've fallen down a rabbit hole, per se, as the experience is not so much bizarre and unfamiliar as unexpected. I simply turned a corner and found a prize.

This blog is dedicated to our relationship, so I feel comfortable platsching around in the schmarmy and the kitch. I can say that it is hard already to imagine my life without him. Even as I type that, it freaks me out a little because that sounds so serious, so adult, so real. But am I to deny what I'm feeling? Life is short for foolishness of that kind.

Hmmm.... can I guarantee him or myself that things will work out for us, in the long run? Of course not. But I can promise to be open and honest, and that includes saying the good, no matter how high the degree ticker gets on the schmarmometer.

Brian, I love you. There. I said it out in the open, on our blog. In "public," as it were. I hadn't declared so to the rest of the world yet; I am doing so now, officially. I know I've said it to you privately, in word and deed, but now I'm taking a stand, flying the flag, whatever. You are my big damn lovebird, and I love you. My life is richer for learning from you as well as learning with you.

Your Steady.

On the topic of anniversaries...

This past Monday was my parents 36th wedding anniversary.

Alex decided to pick up a card for my parents, and inscribe a sweet note inside, wishing them well, telling them what a good job they did raising me and hoping that maybe our relationship might be as good and strong and long lasting as theirs.

I read what she had written in the card and began to cry. It was so beautiful. (Yes, happy tears!)

When I brought it over to my parent's house, my mom misted up when she read it as did my sister Meghan.

Meghan said "I've never met the girl yet, but I already love her!"
"Yeah," I replied. "So do I."

So on this, the eve of the (and I say this only for political correctness with our dating life, see Definition of a Date and Well, Now, I Wouldn't Exactly Say That...) six week anniversary of our first meeting, let me just say I love you, Alex.

I hope that our relationship grows and becomes as strong as either of our parents'.

Inclusion

Alex was a little worried that my friends would possibly not like her.

I can understand that, beings as I want her friends to like me as well.

She has met Mike and Bridgett and Mary and Maloki. They all seemed to like her while she was there, but a quick note from Mary confirmed it...

On a recent occassion when Mary invited Alex and I to just hang with them at her place, I said probably wouldn't be able to make it, as I had a trivia tournament that evening. (BTW, we got our @$$es kicked...14th place...ugh) Mary's responded that it was cool, although Alex was invited without me, if she'd like to come.

It's so awesome that they like each other :)

Sensuality

Yes, it's been a while...my bad!

One of my absolute favourite things to do with Alex is to sleep with her.

And yes, I mean SLEEP.

There have been several times over the past several weeks, I have stayed at her place or she at mine for the evening. And while, yes, the [insert euphamism] is always wonderful, having her head in the crook of my shoulder while we both drift off to sleep is amazingly sensual. When one of us rolls over or changes position, the other compensates and moves to adjust so that we're still snuggling and comfortable.

And waking up next to her is just a joy.

Of course, recently, it's been wake up with the alarm at 7:15 and then jump in the shower and go to work. Not nearly as pleasurable as, say, waking up without the alarm at 9:00 and then lazily talking about what we should do with our day for the next hour or so. But really, either way is wonderful...Alex next to me being the first thing I see in the morning...

This assumes that Galahad or Gwenevyre (Alex's dogs) don't decide that I taste like bacon and begin to lick my foot to wake me up. ;)

I have proposed that one of these days when we both have time off, we should stay up late watching movies and then sleep very late, wake up, order Chinese and eat it in bed.

The sensuality of it all is something I hope I never take for granted.

What do these pictures and today have in common?

.

Take a look, and tell me what you see:

Did you catch it? If not, look at the number of each item.

There are four trees, four fairies, four branches in the Celtic (or is it Welsh?) symbol...

You may wonder at the commonality of the element of four: This posting is meant to celebrate the four weeks to the day that Brian and I have known each other. Yes, the first meeting was a pre-date. Yes, we are counting as of that day. I can handle both the idea that the first meeting was a pre-date as well as the idea that we can count from that date on if we want, in terms of our anniversary. Logical inconsistencies (if any are to be found in this position) are irrelevant in love, or friendship.

What matters is that we're celebrating the day, not bemoaning it. At least I am.

To Brian, I say: Con mucho cariño, querido.

.

I may not know much about art...

But I know what I like...and I LOVE this...



Sunday evening we were on the phone and Alex said she had a present for me. I thought it was the blanket that she washed that got dirty at Shakespeare in the park or maybe my cell phone holster which I dropped at her place and couldn't find later.

Well, she did have both of those...

...AND...she then gave me this. A simple 8 1/2 X 11 sheet of paper, done in ink and watercolour commemmorating our date the night before at Shakespeare in the Park.

I cannot tell you how much this small gift touched me. No one has ever given me hand-made art before and I kept staring at it, trying to take in every detail...still quite stunned that anyone would take the time to capture something like this in such an extraordinary way.

I absolutely will be having this framed and hung proudly on my wall. Hopefully hung in a place where I can see it often and remember the beautiful simplicty of it all: Lying on a blanket under the stars, Chatting about our relationship before the show and at intermission, Picking apart a roasted chicken and drinking wine, The words of the greatest playwright in the English language wafting over Art Hill and a truly special woman who I love and who loves me to share it with.

It's by far the best present I've received in a long time.

Moments of Idyll - Our First Weekend Together

I got Brian from Friday around 10 p.m. to Sunday close to 2:00 p.m., minus a few hours during the day on Saturday. This was our first time to spend two nights together, and so many hours in a row.

Sweet moments of idyll, my friends. For those of you have been in love, recall your first few weeks of heady romance. For those of you that haven't, I hope someday you get to experience what we are feeling. For both groups, imagine a wonderful late spring evening in Forest Park, clear skies so that the stars and half-sliver moon accompany you, Shakespeare's eloquent lines ringing out into the night, a warm blanket to snuggle under, and your honey close by, avidly soaking up the play while occasionally running his hand down your arm or touching your back to let you know he's thinking of you. Now that, my friends, is a date.

This after our first night together, shopping for summer shoes the next morning (nothing so fancy as the Jimmy Choos shown). How hooked is he, that he spent 45 minutes giving me his feedback on this pair or that pair of sandals?? :-) And Sunday morning, oh, so glorious a Sunday morning. A late, late morning, snuggling and cuddling, and then some fireworks... Mmm... yummy... Honestly, to whomsoever might be reading this (if anyone), can you think of anything better than that? I can't.

Unfortunately, reality cut in. Brian and his relatives are going through what is probably one of the greatest challenges that life can throw at a family. He had to leave, but not before thanking me for standing by him during this tough time. I worry, my friends, that I will not have the strength of character needed to do right by him. I absolutely want to, but my own reserves are low due to my sister's divorce and my mother's two hospitalizations last year, as well as a professionally challenging period. In short, 2005 was a bit of a nightmare. I've told Brian all of this, so it's not news to him, but I'm sending this out to the universe (whether or not anyone is actually reading this) and asking the great spirit for the strength and courage that I need to support Brian as best I can through this.

In the meantime, I treasure our moments of idyll, holding them close to my heart like so many pressed flowers, to be pulled out from time to time so that we might remember the warmth and affection steadily growing between us. And yes, love, too.

So when are you in love...?

I heard someone once say "When you think you might be in love, that's when you are in love." No, I don't remember where I heard it...

If that's the case, I've been in love for the last week or so.

I've said "I love you" to three different women (non-relatives), and really, only been in love twice. The difference? When I said it to K. or V., there was no hesitation, no doubt at all in my mind. With D. there was always a little something in the back of my head...call it what you will: intuition, red flags, whatever.

Yesterday there was absolutely no doubt in my mind when I said it for the first time in this relationship. The first of many times, I'm sure.

I love you Alex.