Untitled Poem

All the emotions I have
Whenever I think of you:
They can contradict themselves,
But somehow it still makes sense.

I'm nervous and excited;
Vulerable and yet strong;
I feel bold and still cautious;
Sometimes, I can't help but cry
At how happy that I am.

I never dared ask the gods
For a love like yours and mine.
I feel you have been with me
Even before we first met.

The best part of me, Alex,
I think, can be seen in you.
My best friend and my woman.
My fiancee and quite soon
To be my wife forever.

I can't think of anyone
Who is luckier than I.
My life...our lives...intertwined...
Until the stars fade from view...

The Sick of Moltar

I don't like it when I'm sick. Good thing I'm not sick then, 'innit? :)

Unfortunately, Alex is.

Thursday evening, she felt just fine and then not unlike a freight train (you know, the one like you think is the light at the end of the tunnel) it hit her in the middle of the day on Friday. Bad hacking cough, temperatures up and down. At one point, she had 8 blankets on her and was still cold.

I know she'll be fine, and I love playing Florence Henderson...um, I mean Florence Nightingale for her: "No no...stay on the couch...anything you need, I'll go and get for you...you need to rest...don't exert yourself..." I know it's hard for her and she feels like total ¢®@¶, not being albe to do much of anything. I know for me the worst part of me being sick is not the actual sick, but the laying on the couch watching tv tends to get old after 10 hours or so...

Get well soon, baby.

Of politics and religion

Good Lord, these can be thorny topics. And here we are, lucky enough to be essentially on the same page for those two items. On Saturday, we went with friends to see Barack Obama announce his run for president of the United States. I'm almost afraid to set my hopes on him, for fear that I might truly believe that he is different only to be disillusioned with the political process yet again. But boy did he sound different. Articulate, passionate, committed. He sounded soooo different from so many politicians. He said there was a certain audacity in running for president because he hadn't been in Washington all that long. As far as I'm concerned, that's one of the main things that sets him apart and is a distinct advantage over most if not all of his competition. So it was frigidly cold (I had foolishly not prepared as well as I should have for the cold), my baby wrapped his arms around me, we listened to the speech, there was a huge, huge crowd, and I felt hope. For us, for ending the war, for the country.

¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ¯Þ

Next, religion. Again, Brian and I are very similar in this regard. We continue to talk and define our religious beliefs, if any, and talk about what we want out of our life together in terms of religion. These are the principles I/we've worked out:

1. I want my religion to guide my decisions but not make them for me. God gave me a brain; I can't imagine I'm supposed to set it to the side to believe man-made laws.
   
2. I want my religion to provide an opportunity for community interaction, both in my spiritual activities as well as social projects.
   
3. I do not want my religion to serve as a justification of any kind for judgmental or unkind behavior, from a mildly disapproving air to full-blown self-righteousness. Meaning, I don't want to be all pious on the one hand, talking about religion and Christ and devotion all the time, and then be mean and judgmental on the other. Even if it's just a little bit. Hopefully, I won't be unkind and judgmental at all, but I definitely do NOT want to use religion or devotion as a basis or reasoning for that type of behavior. And what is it with that classic combo of high piousness/low tolerance or patience, with a ton or two of hypocritical behavior mixed in? Like a friend said at work, that focus on the rules while missing the point of the book. At least the book that he's read. So I don't want to be that. Again, not that I want to behave in that way anyway, but particularly using religion for that purpose makes my skin crawl. And I'm not a world leader or anything, so it's not about taking the country to war for me; rather, it's about how I behave toward others in my small, daily life. Oi weh this is such an area of personal growth for me.... To the extent that I continue to integrate religion into my life, I want it to help me be more tolerant and kind, not be a way to rationalize judgmental and hypocritical behavior.
   

That's pretty much it - those three things. I've used the first person, singular here only because these exact words are mine (sometimes we actually draft emails and blog entries together, and this language here doesn't reflect that type of collaboration), but Brian doesn't want to shut his brain off for any reason, including religion, nor does he want to become pious and religious only to end up being judgmental toward others. He's also open to the idea of community activity. So we're at a good point for now. We've laid down the foundation, the basic principles, of what we want from this part of our lives together. Although the life that we build together is a work in progress, these principles should help guide our decisions. God willing.

Nine!

Today is our ninth-month-a-versary.
Or our 3/4 anniversary...
Or...well...you know....whatever....

This blog entry is being brought to you today by the letters A and B and by the number 9! :)



I don't know why I thought about the Sesame Street song...but I did...
I love you babydoll!!!


NOTE: Fixed video on 3-26-07

Fitty years

Fifty. Fitty. The big five-oh. Cincuenta. Cinquante. Funfzig.

That's our goal. Like a fifty-year-old cockatoo. Or fifty pence. Or fifty miles an hour. Or fifty red roses.

Fifty years. It starts out by finding someone who has the same image, the same concept in mind. God willing, we'll make it, but it seems to me that if we weren't starting out with the same goal in mind, it would make it awfully hard to achieve that goal. It helps - a lot - that our parents were married for a very long time. Maybe this is something that makes or breaks it. I mean, if we didn't have the role model, would we even know to think about it? To aspire to that? To be able to imagine it? I guess it would be possible, just that much harder.

Second criterion: Fifty Happy Years. Yes, that's romantic. And yes, there's probably some naïveté mixed in there, too. But again, if you can't fathom it, can't even conceptualize it, it seems like it would be hard to make it reality.

Oh, I imagine there will be good times, bad times, and (what may be even worse) the indifferent times. We have a lot to figure out. Maybe on a good day, I'll print this blog entry out and sigh wistfully and blissfully. Maybe on a bad day, I'll print it out and tape it to my closet door to remember why I went down this path. But Brian and I are closing in on a year (in three days, we'll have dated for 9 months, known each other for 10). And it feels good. So good. So right. So fifty years, it is. We'll re-evaluate at that point and see where we want to go from there. I told Brian I may just hobble over to the old geezer in the next room if he hasn't kept me happy. ;-). In the meantime, may God bless us in getting through the paper, cotton, wood, copper, china, bronze, silver, pearl, ruby, and sapphire years 'til we hit gold. Actually, before I get ahead of myself, may God help us get to the wedding day, and then help us through the rest of it. :-)

Open feedback

A couple of weeks ago, I blogged about an ongoing discussion Brian and I have been having about where to wed. To me, a large overt statement in public is a significant moment in a person's life, there aren't that many, and even fewer that one gets to choose. That is, how much choice does one have as to where one is born? Where one is baptized or has a first holy communion? Or even confirmed? Presumably, one's parents - no matter the religion or lack thereof - play a deciding role in these events.

So a wedding - two adults making a choice - is, among other things, a statement as to what one believes or does not believe. I blogged because I had suggested to Brian that we bring others into the conversation; we had been going round and round on it, not really coming to a resolution, and needed fresh perspective. At the same time, we called the priest that's handling our pre-cana (our concelebrant lives in California, so only one is handling the preparation), and set up an appointment for next week. I've been talking a lot to my mom, and how she and dad integrated their faith and principles into their daily lives. As an aside, my mom freezes up about sex but we can talk about religion all day long. I've emailed friends and gotten unsolicited feedback from others who would like to add to the discussion. Basically, we really opened up to outside input.

Things are not settled yet, but the discussion has been so enriching, I'm amazed. People with whom I had never talked about religion have definite thoughts on the subject - it's not neutral like the weather. But most everyone has been kind, supportive, respectful, and offered true insights. I'm just amazed at the depth and richness of this conversation, and all because a couple of weeks ago, Brian and I decided to invite others in. We still have to make our own decision, and we still have to get through that process (we're not there yet), but how beautiful to have added the dimension of others into this issue. I tell you, it feels like grace shining down on me.

This seems like a very valuable lesson in life. It makes me wonder how things will play out in the future - when we're making a decision about, say, homeschooling our children (something I've been interested in for years). Or what if we're having a rough patch? The support and insight of friends may help us there, too.

Don't get me wrong - of course, I've asked for input from my support network before. But I'm generally pretty independent and comfortable making decisions on my own (I think Brian is, too), so what feels new is getting input on a decision we're making together. Wow.

Lazy day

Today we did nothing.

Well, obviously not nothing...but...well, let me es'plain...

January was a very stressful month. We got engaged, told everyone, went to a B&B, Alex had a conference, we had a Christmas Party, my work's becoming more stressful, and we finished moving me into Alex's (now our) place. Just off the top of my head. I'm sure if I thought about it, I could come up with half a dozen more things that happened. Nothing too bad, but everything was in a three week period. We needed some serious down time.

So today we did a whole lot of nothing. Slept late. Puttered around the house. I made French Toast for breakfast...the most strenuous things I did was pay bills and do laundry...we took a nap...wrote a blog entry...watched some Food Network...made popcorn...so not a whole lot of anything going on....

There is a great releif in knowing that nothing has to be done in a quick fashion.

I know with our wedding coming up, we will have many days and weeks where we'll have so much to do we won't know what day it is. As such, I will treasure days like this with Alex.

Done and Done

Today is Saturday, the 3rd of February.

Today is the third day that I am completely and fully moved in with Alex.

On Saturday, the 27th of January, we (meaning Alex, Mike, Mal and I) finished off one of the easiest moves I've ever been a part of. We (Alex and I) had been, over the course of the last four or so months, been getting stuff out of my apartment, starting in October or so. Comic books, bookshelves, the computer, the dresser, etc. Every couple of days, we'd swing by my apartment and get a couple of armfuls or a carful of stuff to bring over. Slowly, but surely, the apartment began to empty itself out.

By the time the Thursday before hit, we only had maybe a carful of stuff to empty out, not counting the big stuff we'd need a U-Haul to do (Uha! Ul!) and my mom and sister came over to help me clean the place up.

Well, I say "help"...but I was still battling a bug (which I'm still finishing off) which made my mom say "no - you lay on the couch - you're too sick to help." So really, they did while I rested.

Anyway, most of the place was clean by Saturday and we get to the aforementioned move. Actually, the hardest part was getting the truck. Did you know UHaul actually asked for the name and phone number of "a person who is not helping with the move?" When I asked why, they said it was for insurance purposes. They then proceeded to call my mom at 730 AM to verify that yes, I wasn't a Libyan terrorist or something.

Anyway...

I got the truck and was back to my place at 8AM with Mike and Mal and Alex just arriving. We had everything packed in the truck by 930 and headed out. (Like I said, we only had a few big items to move, everything else was done and gone.) The only bad part was we had to go to 5 different places to drop stuff off, including St. Vincent DePaul’s, my mom's house, Alex's mom's house, etc.

All in all, it was pretty stress free and easy....the truck didn't need a professor of spatial geometry to help get everything loaded in one shot, we had dropped off the truck by 11:30 and had a nice lunch. All in all, very simple and easy.

Oh, and before I forget, a quick shout out of help to my mom, Carie, Mal, Mike and especially Alex for all the help in closing out my apartment.

On Thursday, February 1st, I dropped off the keys. It was a good apartment - actually belonging originally to my friend Elliot - but I had it for 7 years whereas he had it for 18 months. It was my second apartment, but the first one I didn't really love. This one I did.

And while I will miss my old place, I don't for one second regret getting rid of it. I've never lived with anyone before in my life (not counting my family) and living with Alex these last couple of months has been the absolute best.